Having a wobble...

[nappyrat]

Background is my husband moved out a week ago because of issues in our relationship, shouting, name calling etc. Have a ds who is 14 months.

Have made efforts this week to include him, make sure he sees ds most days etc, one-sided from me on the whole however.

Tonight husband came over 5pm and fed ds tea. I had previously told him I wanted to go and see my parents next weekend for a few days. Tonight he said he wanted ds to see his family next weekend in the Peak District where they are holidaying and said to ds 'you'd like to see your family wouldn't you?'

I said 'don't use ds as a pawn' although I have no issues with ds seeing husband's family next weekend.

However, husband is not communicating properly with me about the weekend, I am increasingly stressed as husband hasn't spent much time to date (!! I know!) with our ds, and has never spent a full day or ever done a bedtime etc with him (can only get him to nap if he puts him in the car), so I have said no way to an overnight without me at this stage.

Am getting stressed about next weekend. I don't want to feel this way.

Any suggestions please to calm me down. I hate the way I feel after these confrontations with me, it unbalances my entire peace of mind.

I keep reading wise sayings(!) about how 'it's only you that can control how you feel and respond, people can't make you feel a certain way', but quite honestly, he makes me feel anxious, stressed and upset. :(

TIA x

You've only been split for a week so it's still early days. Keep those wise saying for later when the emotions aren't quite so raw.

It's great that you're trying to keep your ex involved, I hope he's not going to take advantage.

For situations like this (where ex conveniently forgets plans) I found it helpful to send a text so it's written down. When it's written down it's harder for him to 'forget' or pretend that you never told him 'Oh I'm sorry I'm taking DS to see my parents this weekend. It's already arranged, remember the text I sent last Monday?'

agree that ds shouldn't be used as a pawn. not at all.

dont agree with Izzy's passive-aggressive approach. that kind of approach won't work long term.

in your post you say that you don't mind ds seeing husband's family next weekend but then go on to say no to an overnight without you at this stage.

what do you want. you can't have it both ways.

here's a bump for you. someone with more practical advice will be along and in the meantime figure out whats best for you and ds. don't dance along to the tune of your H.

it seems you might be all over the place at the mo as he's only moved out recently and your still married... if quite a lot of unresolved things are happening and your left feeling "unbalanced" after interactions with h then give yourself some time and indeed space to figure out what is best - even if that means ds spends the next weekends with you. trust yourself.

Can't see that Izzy's approach was passive aggressive

I think that its completely normal to feel stressed about this and that seeing your ex will raise all kinds of negative emotions for a while.

Are you saying that you still don't know whats happening next weekend? I wasn't sure from your post if you actually are taking your son away to see your parents?

It's very early days and you are both finding your feet.

Is there any way he could take your son for the day to see his family?