How do i do the right thing by my best friend?

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

I'm feeling a bit shaken after a row with my bf's dh.
He had it coming tbh. My dh has already stopped having anything to do with him and today they all came over (my dh was out). The kids played well together. A great time was had until this row.
Under normal circumstances i would apologise for shouting/ calling him pathetic but he really is a phenomenal twunt and i have no inclination to do so on this occasion.
I am tempted to be straight with my friend (who is wonderful and far too good for him) and just say i cant be around him and its best to meet up without our DH's. ( Or at least without hers, my dh likes her and they get on.)
Is this too much to ask of her?
We are close and she is a terrific friend. Our kids all get on well.
What should i do? I dont think i can visit her at her place if he is there.

What does 'phenomenal twunt' look like? Aggressive? Intimidating? Offensive? Something else?

What was the row about?

But what did he do?

Err. Good question.
There is a long list.

I dont think he is violent.
More offensive and annoying. I dont find him scary.

Squeezed my arse at his own wedding during the photos.
Bossy and "nagging" about how things should be done at home.
Conflicting views on pretty much every subject imaginable.
Given to tantrums and long periods of sulking at the slightest "insult" to his position on, well, anything really.
I have managed not to argue with him mainly because i have a great skill for letting things go, and have bitten my tongue.
This is only the second argument we have had in 20 years.
He is very rude about his wife. Occasionally in her company.

Sorry, I should have been clearer - what was this argument about? What really pushed you to your limit?

He wanted to put a film on for the kids. I politely (honestly, i was so nice about it because i knew he could take offence) that was unsuitable. Above their "certificate" and although still a kids film, it was a bit violent.
I thanked him for thinking of them, and trying to entertain them (which they didnt even need, they were quite happy playing with sand in the sand tray). He was persistent though. He kept on saying ot was great, they would love it. My friend didnt want them to watch it either, tbf.
He totally got the arse and although i tried to ignore that (was dealing with all three kids at this point so had other things to worry about) he brought it up again before they left. All offended because i embarrassed him. So i let rip. Told him he was an idiot for even suggesting it, that i was unfailingly polite and frankly, didnt have to be because nobody i.know would have been so fucking stupid as to suggest it, never mind bang on about it for so long.

Then you need to stay in contact with your friend. If he feels justified in behaving this way in public, chances are he is 10 x worse behind closed doors than simply bossy, nagging and rude. He sounds like a pretty classic bully - inadequate, offensive and unable to accept that anyone might know something they don't.

In your shoes I would try to get her on one side and ask how things really are at home. Express concern for her rather than out and out condemnation of him because, if he's been this way for 20 years, she will have rationalised his behaviour in order to tolerate it. 'It's just how he is' etc.

cogito thats exactly what i think, how i see the situation.
Its hard because i find it difficult not to call him on his unreasonable behaviour. (As you can see)
She is so lovely.

Thank you. I will try to not condemn him, and to ask about her.
These sorts of conversations are hard ime. Because all our dp's can be annoying, and we all moan about them from time to time so bad behaviour can be minimised with comments like "yes, they're all the same aren't they" iyswim.

I think you should be assertive with him rather than submissive. Your friend may be lovely and she may have her own reasons for tolerating his behaviour but you don't have to follow her example. Set your own standards. If he shows himself up, it's his look-out

Yes. Agghh. I think the part i struggle with is that its so exhausting. Pulling him up on things leads to an argument or pr a sulk. I can see why she blocks it out.
I was supposed to take the dcs to see them in a few weeks but after this i feel uncomfortable being on his "territory" as it were.

You don't have to pull him up on everything but you are entitled to tell him he's being a pain in the arse if applicable. Stick up for your friend if he's rude to her in your presence. Pop his bubble from time to time and it might give her some encouragement to do the same.

Yes. Thanks.

Btw, does this mean i need to apologise for being rude to him please say "no"
Maybe i should apologise to her for shouting.
I did want to poke him in the eye so i felt i was being quite reserved.