I told my DP that I can't deal with his drinking

[EdwiniasRevenge]

And now I feel shite.

He knows he is alcohol dependent. He has told me that. He knows the impact on his health..

It is a long distance relationship for various reasons so I thought I could handle it at weekends.

But we've had a 'heavy' few days and its got to me. I grew up with an alcoholic father so I know what that lifestyle is like.

I told him I was 'struggling with the alcohol' I guess i wanted him to see the effect on me.

I don't know why I did. I don't know what I hoped to gain. I have no intention of telling him to choose between me and the alcohol. I have no intention of asking him to choose.

He hasn't left yet. I'm getting the silent treatment. I feel horrifically guilty. It's not my fault. I don't know what's going to happen next.

Don't know what I hope to gain from this post.

.

I'm sure someone with better advise will come along, but you shouldn't feel guilty for sharing your feelings.
If he knows he has a problem would he consider going to AA?

Thanks.

I know there are some things you shouldn't say to an alcoholic hence me focussing on the way it makes me feel. I just hope this isn't one of the things I'm not supposed to say.

He is seeing an "dependency physciatrist" but he says it isn't helping. This has been forced on him by his employer so.
He is also taking sleeping tablets to help him sleep and replace the alcohol but he has run out and can't get any more for over a week. He claims he has been drinking more because he has no sleeping tablets - but he's had no sleepig tablets for a couple of weeks not a couple of days."

It sounds like on the surface, you've accepted that he is problem drinker and probably won't do anything about it anytime soon. However, the anxiety and frustration of being in a relationship with someone who abuses alcohol will never be far away.

Don't apologise for expressing your feelings, there is a reason why you have and expressed them. Maybe it's time to confront those feelings rather than feeling guilty for having them.

I've no idea what you are and aren't supposed to say... Is there a list?

I think the good thing about aa is it's like minded people who've actually experienced and continue to experience the same thing, I don't know how many 'experts' are actually alcoholics themselves. I think alcoholics get more from talking to other alcoholics, but I'm no expert!

I'm probably less tolerant than you but drinking doesnt help you sleep and using sleeping tablets instead of alcohol can't be a good thing, can it? Could he use valerian?

But his drinking will impact on you so you shouldn't feel guilty that it does. It is about you. SIL's husband is an alcoholic and I know very well how it affects the family. Not what you want to hear, but do you really want to stay with this man?

You can't change his drinking habits.

You didn't cause his drinking
You can't control his drinking
You can't cure his drinking

Just seen your latest post. Your frustrations stem from his lame excuses, despite being given an pportunity by his employer to deal with his drinking.

What's your relationship like with your father?

I know. I know.

His sleepig tablets are prescribed partly because of the alcohol dependence and partly because of pain. I can live with the amount he drinks when he has them. This is the first time I've spent an extended period of time with him when he hasn't had the sleeping tablets.

its just a matter of time isn't it?

I need to go and do some bits now. I'll be back later to read all comments.

I hated my father. Unrelated to the alcohol butthat didn't help.
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Your partner's abuse of alcohol could be a trigger, even though you say disliking your father was unconnected to his alcoholism.

Cut your losses.

You won't meet someone new until you chuck this one.

If he ran out of sleeping tablets a couple of weeks ago and still has to wait another week for more, this suggests he far exceeded the proper dose.

I have to say I would walk away from this. You cannot save him. He has to help himself, if he wants to.

I know you don't want to, but I too think you should leave him to it. Those of us who grew up in situations like yours often feel that their feelings are not important.

Why do you feel you have to tread on eggshells with what you say? Why do you not feel that your feelings are of equal importance to his?

You're in a relationship with an alcoholic. Anything you do or say that brings their alcoholism into focus is going to cause a negative reaction. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't say it or that it doesn't need to be said. Your truth and your experiences are important too. This is a relationship, a partnership; it shouldn't all be about him. If his drinking is causing problems then you have every right to say so.

An alcoholic's drinking ebbs and flows like the tide. Sometimes it's going to be huge amounts, sometimes it's going to be less. Sometimes it's going to look like they've more-or-less got it under control and sometimes it's going to be horrendous and damaging. And always, but always, they'll have some "reason" why they're drinking like that. They're not really trying to convince you that the reason is valid; it's much more to do with self-justification.

Nothing you have said so far shows that he has the slightest desire to want to stop drinking. So your relationship with him will continue to rise and fall on the tide of his alcohol consumption.

Your father was an alcoholic and now you are in a relationship with an alcoholic. Is this good enough for you? Is this how you saw your life panning out?

You can't compete with alcohol. The situation is not going to change. Even when they are not drinking they are thinking about their next drink. I dated one alcoholic. It was horrible. Drinking too much (whether they call themselves an alcoholic or not) is an immediate deal breaker for me. It's not a lifestyle I can handle. For an alcoholic their priorities are (1) alcohol, (2) them, and (3) the rest of their lives including whichever unfortunate soul is involved with them romantically - and usually there isn't much life or energy leftover for anything in group (3). It's a big fat yuck.

Cut your losses.