Deeply hurt and lost..no idea what to do next

[whatisforteamum]

I had hoped this would be a relaxing summer after a fraught few yrs.Mums cancer returned 2012,stage 4 incurable.Dad diagnosed 2012 incurable and aggressive.My job changed2013 with longer hrs until midnight then Dh had a huge heart attack and was off work months seeing if he needed a bypass (54).
DH and ihad worked long hours as many couples do with no treats or fun knowing that when the mortgage was paid we could go out a bit.we hadnt always got on but we had small kids so made the most of bringing them up.
As i said i lost 10lbs through stress this yr and the doc signed me off 2 weeks (i never take sick days).
DH knew i couldnt get summer hols off and knew for months when my hols were.He went golfing anyway so i was stuck here bored.Today as i applied for another job i asked him why he never goes anywhere with me and he said his heart attack made him want to do what he wanted for a change.
I think he couldve made it clear in march when i booked my hols so i would know.
TBH im not a going away type usually but i made it clear i was deeply stressed out and wanted a break before my parents had cancer checks again.
Dad found out his terminal cancer has spread this thurs..no sorry to hear that or hugs from DH.
DH also has meds for his bad temper but still shouts or throws things on occasion although his usual take is to walk away or sulk.
Im not sure how much more sleeping on a floor and hoping things will improve i can take.I feel v lonely and dread my parents dying as anyone would.I had hoped 28 yrs together would count for something.
I know i need legal advice as i feel a seperation is sad but inevitable
we were staying together for the kids but one is 17 the other nearer 16.
How do i handle so much upheavel with no real support (ive put my job and kids before a social life) ?

Any ideas ?

I'd consider starting one or two activities just for you, social or otherwise.

In terms of support, you can professional support. I read your post and wondered if speaking to a counsellor would be really therapeutic, give you someone to talk to?

Hi VIv yes i went to councelling and the therapist said i could go to group meetings to change the way i feel.I declined as i felt it was another thing on my to do list with 2 kids taking exams.I was assessed as only mildly depressed (who wouldnt be).Thanks though i may contact her again as the offer was ongoing.

What about some social activities? I'm thinking about something that's just for you, away from being a daughter, wife and mother.

I know it's trite, but something related to physical activity is good for the mind as well as the body.

I agree and often go for a brisk walk as we live in a beautiful part of the country.I am definately not the sporting type ( watching or participating).Maybe an evening class would be the way to go.

Yes, definitely build more of a life for yourself. Do you have any friends who might enjoy a break away? City breaks with a girlfriend are fab.

Other ideas...gat a dog (you enjoy walking, it's very therapeutic and you meet tons of nice people), join a book club, go to a class, learn a new skill, swimming, Zumba, yoga ( I know you said not sporty but these are either therapeutic or fun).

And maybe reconsider the terms of your marriage as it doesn't sound very equal.

Take good care of yourself and here's a hug from me, (((( ))))), you've had a shit time and you deserve better.

Matilda thanks i have no idea what to do for the best or how i will cope with both parents on chemo as ive been there before although last tme Dh wasnt ill or having such mood swings and i had a lovely job with straightforward hours ha ha.Looks like some kind of class would be a good way to meet people rather than throwing myself into work which is how ive coped before and perhaps a distraction from all my ill loved ones :).

I think, with so much going on for you, that this is a bit of a "long game" and creating the support systems you feel that you are currently lacking, ready for the changes to come.

Didn't you promise to get a sofa bed on one of your other threads? I have been very concerned about you sleeping on the floor.

I'm glad you are coming to the realisation that the marriage is over. Don't let him continue to punish you for the rest of your life. Do as your husband has done, and think of yourself first. What do you want?

Agreed i have had panic attacks when i was younger so i realize the importance of not waiting until too much stress is upon me that i am overwhelmed .

Agree that it's worth doing something different for you, meet new people. I'm a big fan of adult ed / evening classes, doesn't have to be physical (alth agree they are great for mood lifting etc) but something creative like pottery, stained glass or such, you'll have a break from all the usual stresses and I've met lots of great people doing such classes. Big hugs from me too

Oh ps, getting a dog is a great idea if it doesn't add one more chore to over crowded busy life, they'll always be so glad to see you and spend time with you without demanding anything from you

I have been very concerned about you sleeping on the floor.

Oh, God, I didn't realise this was you. I think that your issues go beyond an evening class or two.

Well it is my own fault for thinking a roof over my head was enough,i didnt want to rock the boat when mum was ill,then Dad i had no idea DH would become so selfish or angry.Dh has said he will get a bed settee and sleep down here.This only leaves the problem of being lonely when i need him most.He is not the talking through things type.Not sure what it would be like to move out as i have savings but only work part time.

If I remember correctly he's been violent in the home. He's pestered you for sex, despite making you sleep on the floor for the last decade.

You deserve more than this.

yes he went for my arm yrs ago i turned the tv off to talk and he lost it.Relate said this was a one off incident from a man whose wife had had an affair.Last summer he lost it again when he crushed a porn DVD into my hand after i snapped it in two(he has 180 i found them all). Then 4 yrs ago i lost my sex drive prob because of his bad moods and he continually pestered me and told the Dcs your Mum is dried up!!
Tonight he said ive had to listen to you moan on about your summer,do you want me to explode or something maybe punch a hole in the wall or hit you is that what you are trying to do ?
Yes he is like this at work apparently the kind gentle man i met at 20 is still there but you never know when mr angry will appear.:(

Right, stop messing about and get your arse into gear. You've been downtrodden too long.

Work out the financial situation, get evidence (there's a thread telling you what you need, somewhere, maybe someone will link) of income and assets.

Decide where and how you are going to live. Make two plans, one for 'with children', one for 'without children'. I would normally assume that children stay with mother but yours have learned how to abuse you from their father (previous thread) and they go on holiday with him and without you (previous thread - from memory..).

Write down all the things that are wrong in your marriage and why you want a divorce. Take that with you when you see a solicitor. Go for divorce right away, no 'legal separation' nonsense.

When you know exactly where you stand, and have plans, raise it with your husband. Don't accept any 'I'll change' stories. If he tries to be violent remind him that you will now prosecute him for anything he does.

Lastly, when its all underway, talk to your children. Tell them that after a decade sleeping on the floor, you can't live like this any more, your health is failing (previous thread again). If you can provide a home for them, offer them the opportunity to come with you. If not, or if they don't want to, tell them they will always be welcome to visit.

If you spend the rest of your life alone in a bedsit, sleeping in a bed and having peace of mind, it will be better than what you have now.

Sorry if I've missed something but how come you are sleeping on the floor?
Why don't you get a free half hour solicitor's advice? You'd need to write down all your questions beforehand to get the most out of it.

Oh whatisforteamum this is a dreadful situation. Your husband should be there supporting you not draining you further. I have no idea what the sleeping on the floor is about but it can't possibly be good and certainly not in your best interests.

Tbh that is what you need to start doing. Looking after your best interests. What is he adding to the relationship and family life? In what ways is he enriching your life? In what ways does he care about you?

The Relate counsellor sounds crap btw. You live with a selfish, angry, abusive man. The violence was never going to be a one-off and that incident wasn't even in response to your affair it was in response to you wanting his attention. Classic abuser. Stonewalling and when that doesn't work, escalating.

HumblePie offers some good advice when/if you are ready to make the move. Especially writing things down even if you aren't ready to leave yet. It'll help clarify your thoughts and put into perspective how bad his behaviour is. Women's Aid may be able to help and Rights of Women may also be useful.

Thanks you are right.Sleeping on the floor ( on settee cushions) was a response to sick child i was ill too so hubs took care of her.When i tried to return to bed his bad snoring and 420 alarm meant no sleep.I didnt mind for a while but when i realized if i had flu i was still on the floor i realized it was a bum deal but hubs just got angry when i raised it and wont sort snoring.He was such a considerate person it never occurred to me he was being unfair.Only when i got home midnight from work to put my cushions out i thought this is b**ks.Obviously with mum dad and hubs ill i have been stuck in frozen situation not knowing what to do next,Legal advice first before anymore shit hits the fan.I think DH has been my only support through my parents cancers but its not that great TBH.