Mediation- why did the mediator say this? Anyone on here been a mediator or to mediation?

[shellinout]

We have just had our first mediation session.

At the end the mediator was starting to look less confident than she had done at the beginning. She refused to look at the agreement my ex had drawn up saying she had already read it. She then suggested that she thought we might like to discuss it with our solicitors before rushing into another mediation. She also said she didn't want us to waste her money.

Is it sometimes apparent to mediators that a case is beyond them right at the beginning. Or might she be doing this because she feels the contract is unfair to one party or unworkable but because she has to remain impartial she doesn't want to say so.

I'd be interested to here if other people going through mediation were told to go back to solicitors. I was under the impression you had to go through mediation first before entering the legal process though I have consulted with a solicitor.

Maybe she thought your Ex's agreement was heavily biased towards his side rather than being fair.

Don't agree to sign anything your Ex provides before getting it checked out by a solicitor, your ex may be trying to screw you over.

Thanks. He is trying to screw me over to some extent. I think the mediator knows I have been forced into considering a settlement that is very weighted towards him for various reasons.

He wants to continue direct negotiations but i wanted someone else in the room to be a witness to some of the tactics being used which is why I wanted to go down the mediation route.

I guess it's back to my solicitor first.

I agree with the PP. Mediation is a matter of fine-tuning something reasonable. If the suggestion on the table was totally unrealistic, there's no point mediating around it. Get some upper/lower parameters from your solicitor (it's not 'entering the legal process' but taking professional advice) and then go back to the mediation table.

BTW... did your STBX operate any kind of controlling/bullying/abusive behaviour in the relationship? Has he been cooperative about the divorce and shown a willingness to compromise? 'Forced into considering' doesn't sound like a promising basis for mediation. If any kind of coercion, bullying or similar has been applied the legal process might be your best bet, even if it is more expensive.

What exactly is the "contract" you are referring to? It's not very clear what stage you are at?

When we attended mediation the first thing we had to do was gather all our financial information and bring it to the sessions. We also went through an exercise to work out our outgoings and what each person would probably need in terms of income and capital.

Once we had all the financial info she helped us set it all out against our needs so we could see how things would need to be split.

At this stage there was some negotiating which she guided us through (eg ex thought he should be getting a bigger share of capital but by laying it all out she was able to demonstrate that would not leave me enough to raise a mortgage so he had to capitulate on that).

She also made suggestions for things we hadn't considered which was helpful.

Then she drafted a report to take back to our solicitors on what we'd agreed.

I'm not sure if my example is typical but it worked - took about 5 sessions to get to a draft agreement iirc.

I think because my partner wants a quick turnaround ( ie all agreed in 2 sessions) mediator is worried that we will end up making decisions we will regret later.

Cogito: no controlling behaviour until I initiated breakup.

When I mean forced I mean he is putting pressure on me to agree a settlement within his time frame (I will not be rushed). And not wanting to consider other options beyond that which suits him best