Is this true - if so how/what can I change?

[StCloud]

When I was a teenager I was always told that I caused all the arguments, I made people unhappy and our home a horrible place to be.

I have never discussed this with dcs. As I thought about it when I was older I put it down to me being a difficult teenager.

My 15 yr old ds has now said the exact same thing to me, I am the one making everyone miserable etc. He also said to dh he feels sorry for him and doesn't know why he puts up with me.

This has really hit a nerve with me. I asked ds to explain what he meant and he said he hates me because all I do is watch tv every evening and I always think I am right and know everything.

It feels exactly like it did when I was a teenager, really hurtful but obviously others can see a side to my personality which I am blind to. What can I do to change it?

I think most teens regard parents as boring and bossy to a greater or lesser degree. I think a lot of parents regard teens at some point as fairly argumentative. What would bother me most in your shoes is the allegation that DH agrees with a teenager's assessment. (And I would stress the word 'allegation') Get your DS to apologise for the insult and then - assuming you have a good relationship with your DH - have a word with him about it.

It could also be worth having a chat with a close friend and asking them to be honest about how they find you. I have a marvellous friend who is pricklier than a bag of opinionated thistles... but she knows it and we wouldn't have her any other way :)

What was going on at home with your parents as a teenager? How was their relationship? They may a) have just disliked having a teenager with all the issues it brings up or b) used your teenishness as a scapegoat for problems within the relationship/family.

All teens pretty much resent the fact that their parents 'think they're right and know everything', so your son is entirely normal in that regard. Parents don't let teens do whatever they want, and teens believe that if they were allowed to do whatever, they'd be happy.

It may be that you're particularly argumentative, but on the other hand it may be a random accusation from your son, based resentments about pocket money and the latest computer game, has created echoes to an unjust accusation as you were growing up.

Thank you both for your replies. Cogito, I think my DH does agree, he has never been one for an argument at all and at the moment he is suffering from PTSD and avoids any conflict by completely shutting down or walking away. He would rather let DS do whatever he wants than have the argument.

Twinkle, they split up after I had left home, so realistically it wasn't just me at all, thanks for helping me see that.

Is he having treatment for PTSD? How's that going? If you're the only grown-up in the relationship prepared to set standards, tackle conflict or try to enforce discipline or whatever then you're bound to be painted as the 'bad-guy'. Not much you can usefully do about that if you don't want to end up with a spoilt brat for a DS who shows you ne respect ....

I think many of us with very strong views and who are very capable of expressing them can be thought of the same way.

I certainly have to be very careful how I come across. I hold very strong views and often those who aren't as adept at communication can feel squashed or run roughshod over.

I often have to take a step back and analyse whether I'm right or the other person simply has given up trying to make me see. I try not to want to always be right now because I now know that despite others capitulating, it's purely because to them it's pointless to argue.

So this is not about you at all. You're the enforcer in your family, and you husband is the yes man, that's always a thankless role.

I'm not sure PTSD necessarily makes you avoid conflict though, I had it when I was younger, it can make people more confrontational, aggressive, stressy. Was your h always conflict avoidant?

He's never liked arguing, but now he closes off, starts sweating etc. if anyone is falling out.

First of all I'd ask a few other people who know you well and see if they agree. You need to find out if it really is a problem and what exactly it is before working out how to address it.