Playing the long game or flogging a dead horse?

[Ilovebrandi]

Looking for words of wisdom!

Four months ago I came out of a ten month relationship. DP has some MH issues, specifically relationship anxiety and stress, was treated badly by exW who left him with two DC, pregnant by another man. So there's trust issues there as well.

Although it was volatile at times, the good outweighed the bad completely. We broke up because, by his own admission, he just can't 'do' relationships as he gets too anxious. It wasn't pretty at the end but I'm okay about that now

Really care about him, and for him. It's the only relationship I've had to work at, and it did me good. For whatever reason, I seem to need ups and downs, rather than a smooth ride.

Back in contact with him now, I texted him to go for a walk. It wasn't awkward at all, we've got lots in common and he texted afterwards to say he enjoyed it, and we should do it again. He's not with anyone and says he's better like that. I'm quite prepared to wait and give him time and space, just meeting occasionally and hoping things pan out gradually. I'm in no hurry.

I should mention I've got my own issues, separated 3 years, no signs of a divorce yet due to financial issues and overly dependant ex.

I'd like to know what you all think, is there a chance for an 'us' or am I wasting my time

Thanks.

He obviously still likes you so there is definitely a possiblity. I think you should gain his trust by always being there as his friend and then let it develop slowly once he feels confident again.

I would seriously consider counselling for your own self to unravel all this because this could go back many years and perhaps into childhood itself. There's an awful lot of stuff here that needs to be unlearnt. You should not have to make a man your project to make your own self feel better about you. Men are not houses or projects that need improvement.

Love your own self for a change and give this current man a wide berth as well. He will never give you what you want and could keep you hanging on for years.

I would also now get divorced; the issues you cite need sorting now. How long is this all going to take otherwise, you are stuck currently. Dependent ex (also he seems similar to this man in that you and he seem codependent on each other) needs to be jettisoned as does the current man because he has his own issues and actually both of you bring out the worst in each other. He is Mr Emotionally Unavailable and you seem to be his Fallback Girl.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. What sort of example did your parents set you?.

I would read up on co-dependency and look at the relationship website called Baggage Reclaim.

I should mention I've got my own issues, separated 3 years, no signs of a divorce yet due to financial issues and overly dependant ex.

Until you sort out these issues, you are not ready to be doing anything.

He's not my 'project'. I care about him, have known him for over 20 years and I think we could have a future. I know I need to sort my own life out and am trying to do so. However, it's taking time so I have time to spend trying to build something with this man.

We are both carrying our own baggage.

However, it's taking time so I have time to spend trying to build something with this man. But you're not building a relationship with this man. You tried and it ended.

You want a relationship and he doesn't, your 'wait and see' approach is a refusal to acknowledge that. Your investment in this man is a distraction. Invest your time and energies where there is a greater chance of a return.

He's stated clearly, unequivocally that he does not want a relationship. I'm not sure why you're not listening and trying to over-ride him. So yeah, in answer to your question, you're wasting your time.

Well I wouldn't bother, no. I can't really be doing with all that sort of nonsense. I agree with ATM that you'd benefit from some counselling.

For whatever reason, I seem to need ups and downs, rather than a smooth ride

And therein lies the problem. Would you be as keen if there were no difficulties in the relationship? If it was a healthy relationship? And by healthy, I mean a relationship with no trust issues, no anxiety and no volatility?

Are others making boundaries that make you feel invisible in your own life?

You seem corralled by your indefinite 'separated but not divorced' status...is that your ex's boundary: no divorce?

Your exdp/friend has set a boundary as Twinklestein posted...no relationship. Pretty clear. Yet you are trying to find a loophole in the dynamic and get around that. That is manipulative and disrespectful; "playing the long game"...it is not a game, is it?

What are your boundaries? Forget other people; they will make their own choices and live on (good or bad- it is their life). Respect their choices. Choose better for yourself.

Ihmo, move ahead with the divorce. Also, you need to honor the breakup with exdp, at least have no expectation of intimacy with him as he is now your walking not fuck buddy.

Attila's entire post, especially advice for counselling for yourself, is excellent.