Emotional manipulation/abuse.

[GoMe]

Reading about it last night brought back a lot of memories from my ex husband and our crazy relationship.
We finished in 2004 but sometimes I still wonder what should I have done differently but sometimes I feel strongly that I was the victim.
In other words: it still causes confusion and makes me self doubt 10 years on.
What a dangerous man!

My question is: did he know what he was doing or is it just sickness of his mind? Could he be so calculating?
Also, he kicked me to be with our friend. They seemed to be made for each other. It was obvious to me how she idolised him. Maybe she was being groomed and was a victim already? Is he treating her the same way? They are married with a kid.

My question is: did he know what he was doing or is it just sickness of his mind? Could he be so calculating?

It's both. Abusers, emotional manipulators, are fucked right up. Do they think they're abusive? No. But they know what they're doing - they know how to manipulate, and control, and they do this, because it serves them, because they don't know how to have a healthy relationship, because they want to have power over another being - the why is difficult to pin down. Through my personal experiences, and through the reading I've done, it definitely seems that abusers are not capable of the same humanity and empathy most healthy people are.

They don't change. Lots of times no one can see what's going on from the outside of the relationship. I'm sure he treats her the same.

You will see differing opinions on this.

Did he know what he was doing? Yes and no. If he was dangerous and abusive, this, IMO, may have resulted from some kind of personality issue involving impaired conscience and empathy (among other things). So the abuse emerges from that: poor empathy, poor conscience, distorted view of the self relative to others,sense of entitlement, abnormal need for control, etc. You're not talking about a healthy person who just decides to be awful.

On the other hand there's a strong calculated element. They abuse some people and not others. They soon learn which tactics are most effective at achieving particular things.

Is he treating the new partner in the same way? If you are talking about two normal people, both with fully functioning empathy and conscience, a new partnership is a whole new deal.

But if you're talking about abuse: then if you argue that abuse emerges from deep within the personality, he will not have another nice personality up his sleeve for someone else. The honeymoon period is full of idealisation, idolising, adoring,perfection, etc,but when that's over....the new partner turns out to be a real human being with ideas of her own, even (shock) imperfections. And the old him starts to creep back.

However, you will also see differing opinions on this.

Interesting. Thanks.
He was/is very intelligent and knowing it, thought himself superior. Was highly critical of most people and even a selective lucky few were worthy of respect from him (I obviously wasn't).
She was very two faced. I genuinely thought she liked me and was my friend although they were getting together behind my back. When they were flirting in front of me, she would help him convince me they were only friends and I was a insecure jealous person.

They sound as bad as each other :(

I think abusers of all types often start from a place of low self-esteem, ironically. That's not to say we should feel sorry for them - quite the opposite - but I think they often go with the philosophy that 'attack is the best form of defence'. I'm not surprised to hear that he thought himself superior to others or that his new DW massaged his ego in the early days. If you're not dancing attendance and sycophantic you're regarded as a threat to the carefully crafted bubble of self-delusion.

They learn to manipulate, intimidate, threaten, cajole and bully because they're inadequate failures. Look up the concept of 'predatory self-esteem'.... only being able to feel good about yourself by making others feel bad. Pathetic creatures really.

Very ironic indeed that he should have low self esteem. No one would say this observing his behaviour and achievements.
Unfortunately I am still unable to let go completely, I mean, I hope I will never see him again, but sometimes I do wonder how he is getting on, how their relationship is, if Karma got them, etc...
Also, I changed my mind during the relationship regarding having children with him, I just couldn't see him as a tolerant father, even though he wanted to be one so, so much. For me, I just sensed he needed someone smaller and vulnerable to control and manipulate...and I wasn't even clued up about his EA at that time, I genuinely thought it was all my fault.
Luckily he facilitated my scape.