Brother and step neice - what can I do

[ninetynineonehundred]

I had a long talk with my 15 year old very DN last night.
She is a step neice but no less special for all that. In fact the only reason I even thought of it is because of something she said.
Basically she feels that my brother doesn't care for her even though he has been her dad since she was about a year old.
They now have two other children including a baby and she feels pushed out.
So far so sad but nothing we haven't read a hundred times on these boards (that isn't meant to sound dismissive of her by the way, if it was just that then I wouldn't post)
She told me last night that they argue a lot and that on at least two occasions he has got physical with her - picking her up and throwing her on her bed, and blocking a door way to stop her going through.
Her mum intervened (doesn't normally) and he swore at DN.
Obviously I've told her that isn't acceptable in any way. It's breaking my heart as she came out with 'he hasn't hit me', 'i can't control my temper when I'm with him', 'nothing I do is right', 'if I tell them how I feel they just laugh at me'.
She doesn't want me to say anything about it to anyone.
My brother and I are low contact unless it's about our kids, mainly because of his nasty temper and condescending manner.
What can I do? I don't live close to them and she only really opens up to me in our late night chats. The rest of the time she does that normal teenager thing of being very casual about things.

I'm sure he will treat his own DCs the same when they get to the answering back, teenage stage.

Perhaps she can speak to her DM about the physical stuff and in a round about way point out that SS might prosecute for what he does.

See if DM can influence him, he sounds awful.

When a 15yo girl told me recently that she'd been physically assaulted by her DM I reported it to the NSPCC and Child Protection. They call it a 'direct report', took it seriously & paid the family a visit.

Throwing her in the bed is not acceptable in any way, hitting is not the only form of violence. I think I'd be ringing nspcc for advice.

NSPCC is a good idea thank you.
Fuck - it's the second time I've had to call them in the last month about family.
Cogito, what was the effect on the girl of the visit?

It's a difficult one. Sounds like your brother is finding it hard to cope with a teenager, a baby and another child. I know some the arguments between myself and my teenage kids became low key physical at times. I think sometimes it's how we act when are out of control and not coping (not excusing it btw). As you have not directly witnessed it and that she has asked you not to say anything then there is little that you can do atm. It does sound as if they are really getting to each other and that your brother is not coping well with the confrontation. I would give your DN the telephone number of childline and tell her it's a free phone number and that they will listen to her anytime she feels stressed and worried and maybe they will be able to offer some practical advice. It's difficult if you don't live nearby as you can't pop in. Keep the lines of communication with her open. Perhaps you can find an excuse to talk to your brother about something and see if he lets anything slip about not being able to cope and the stressful situation at home.

Why do you think she is telling you this? To pop it on your calendar 'bro threw step niece on the bad again'? She is telling you because you are the only person she trusts. And she needs help!

The effect of the visit was that the family rather closed ranks. The 15yo seemed to be a little happier than previously - wasn't expected to babysit her smaller siblings for an entire weekend for example. BTW I have a teenage DS and, even if we fall out occasionally, the only time I get 'physical' is when I have to calm him down with a hug... It's not inevitable or acceptable to be aggressive with a teenager.

Cogito the closing ranks thing is what I'm concerned about.
Funky I know she has told me because she trusts me. I'm not concerned about rocking the boat. Her needs, and the needs of my other neices far far outweigh anything else but I don't know what form that help should take.
I'm concerned about making things worse for her.
will call childline.

Heyday it is difficult. She's not scared just angry and hurt that she isn't treated the same as her sisters
sisters.

She doesn't have to be scared for it to be wrong. Teenagers will put on a tough front and try to minimise. Doesn't mean they are not being damaged by the experience.

Being picked up and thrown on a bed by an adult male is scary for a 15 year old girl whatever she says about it in retrospect.

She can't be sure and nor can anyone exactly where he'll stop. Her mum was there to intervene, but what happens if she's not?

Absolutely right to call the NSPCC, and also to tell her that if he physically assaults he again she should call the police. It must be difficult for you because he's your brother but you have a duty of care to your niece.

From her pov it's like being in abusive relationship. Psychologically this is so damaging for her, it could well cause all kinds of trouble - anxiety, depression, self harm, and getting herself into other abusive relationships.

Good luck x

Cogito and twinkle, I totally agree. It's the fact that I had to explain that it isn't right that has worried and upset me the most.
Don't worry, I have no intention of minimising things, I just need to get this right so that it doesn't cause her any more harm.
Can I log something with 101 or does she have to do it?
I don't care about the fact that this is my brother. It's my neice who needs the consideration not him.

You can try 101 but I think they'll point you towards Child Protection. You're calling on behalf of a vulnerable child who has given you that 'direct report' of abuse so that's just as it should be.

In the case I got involved in, I'm really not sure if the 15yo came off better or worse. Whether through intimidation or loyalty she opted to cleave to her DM and stepfather and crack on everything was OK. But, like your niece, she's just a kid and what options does a kid really have? However, it got her on the radar of the authorities, school were made aware, the parents had a bit of a rude shock and I think that the more people she has looking out for her, the better.

I don't know about 101, someone else more knowledgeable may be able to advise.

I would just ring them, tell them the situation and ask their advice. Given that she's a minor, I can't imagine that there would be an issue with you reporting it. Talking to the NSPCC will get child protection measures initiated.

Sorry, just updated didn't see pp. Cog knows far more about it than I do.

My concern would be that she's vulnerable until the CP measures are logged. It wouldn't hurt for her situation to be logged with 101 in case she needs to call on them in the mean time.

Do you think you could persuade her to write a letter to her mum and give it to her when she's on her own?

I spoke to the nspcc yesterday who said that it may be worth speaking to Ss but that it's a difficult one because at the moment she is only confiding in me and that breaking her confidence for something that may inflame the situation could cause more of a problem.
So that helped!
Apparently I can talk to Ss confidentially so will do that next.

Quite, her mum was there so knows already.

Nspcc also told me to mention childline, support at school and reiterate the fact that my brothers behaviour is totally wrong.