Stay or go..am I unrealistic about repairing things?

[Mummyoftwobeautifulpoppets]

Just that really.

Currently in a potentially unhealthy relationship with a partner who is not my DDs dad.

All started off fine, we've both made mistakes..said things we shouldn't have during arguments, let each other down. But we're both still here.
At the moment it's separate bedrooms and no affection at all, maybe we're both hanging in there to see if we can re build the trust..but it's painful; I still love him and the lack of affection and 'normal' relationship is hard..
I worry about how it looks to DD but we are very friendly, more like housemates, so at least the atmosphere is nice for them.
Of course I wondered of there's someone else..it'd be easy for him to leave though and they're not his DDs..I don't know what to do.

He's difficult to talk to - you can't push at all, he's more of a fix your bike/cook you dinner to show he cares, I know he finds talking about emotions difficult.
I just do wonder if it's all been damaged beyond repair..or if you can come back from lack of trust/saying horrible things to each other and move on..I know he deep down doesn't like being on his own, so I also wonder if he's 'making do' for now until someone comes along..

It sounds crap!

It's this all really about words? How long have you been together?

I think you can heal a relationship like that but it takes both of you working on it. To start with, you need to talk about what you both want.

Thanks liberal, it is crap!

Uggg it's mostly about words..I try not to drink too often as the last time I said some nasty things as I have a lots of pent up stuff about the relationship..he can be quite controlling and I feel like I need to behave sometimes I suppose. I'm not proud of it by any means, it's always better to rise above. He also said nasty things, I'm not used to a man saying things like that, but because of the way I behaved..deep down maybe I think I deserve them.

It's a mess

Yes coughie, thanks. I think the time has c

Sorry posted too soon! Time has come to talk...

We've been together eighteen months

If this is what its like 18 months in you'd be both better off apart now because this is really well and truly over.

What do you get out of this "relationship" now?.

You are certainly miserable and this is also showing your DD a very poor example of how a relationship is conducted. You want her to learn that a loveless relationship like this is the norm for her to copy?.

Why are you both in the same residence?. Whose place is it anyway?.

Also you state that he is quite controlling; that is actually reason enough to separate now. And no you did not deserve to have him call you nasty names, that was his choice to do that and you did not make him do so. He has also done his bit to bring your own level of self worth and self esteem down.

After 18 months it sounds like it's overrun by about 12.... Even if you've behaved badly you don't deserve to be spoken to nastily. If you can't speak kindly to each other, end it rather than sticking around for yet more punishment. Show your DD that angry men are to be rejected, not tolerated. (Children are not fooled by plastered on smiles....)

Thanks Attila and Cogito.

I don't get much out of it, I think I'm probably hanging on as I think it might get better, go back to how it was. We're renting together jointly. But I have the option to move myself and DDs out this week. Part of posting on here I think was a last ditch attempt to see if there's any hope.

God I sound pathetic.

You're right though; I do need to show DD that I won't put up with an angry man...

You could waste years of your life and lose what's left of your self-respect in the process if you stick around counting on someone like this changing. Most people are very pleasant in the early days/months of a relationship. Get to the 6 - 9 month threshold and you start to see the real them. This is the real him. Don't waste your life on false hopes therefore. If you have the option to move on, take it.

Mummy I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this.
I'm in almost exactly the same situation (house mates sums it up perfectly)
No advice just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and that I understand how hard it is when things aren't bad, just not good.

You're spot on Cogito, thanks again for posting. He started changing slowly six months in. I defaulted to blaming myself (and I have made mistakes), but the fact to accept I suppose is that we are incompatible.
We will move. It's just so confusing as he is literally amazing with DD, would give me his last pound and is a constant in other ways..but it's not much of a relationship is it? No intimacy. We're just friends (when he's being nice!).

Just holding on to the thought I'll look back and realise moving was the best thing we ever did...

No-one likes being lonely and it's tempting, as a lone parent, to put up with less-than-ideal just to have another adult in your life and/or a father figure for DCs. But this sounds like it's only going downhill. Time to cut loose.

This should be the honeymoon phase. If it's shit after 18 months then it's the wrong relationship.

Walk away

How it was? There is no 'how it was' 18 months in - this is how it is.

So sorry to hear you're going through the same ninetynine it's so hard isn't it..what do you think you'll do?

Yes I suppose you're right..there is no how it was so early on.