Is it just me, or is this abuse?

[ovenbun]

I know I have things a lot better than many people and I'm not trying to sob story here but feeling pretty shit so please be gentle. I get that this might just be normal relationship stuff, and that I am probably equally in the wrong, and that when you have a new baby things are supposed to be rough..but something just feels really wrong in our marriage. I was reading a post a few weeks ago about a shit boyfriend who kept looking his temper, (particularly in the car) and everybody was replying "run for the hills", and I just suddenly felt wow..that's what they would tell me.
My husband is a funny, kind, laid back bloke with everybody else, but I feel like he can't be that person with me. I love him and I know I'm not a great wife Scotty/untidy/anxious. I have tried to end things before and said some really unkind things to him I'm in no way perfect in this. He cries and tells me he loves me and we start again
Here are some of my concerns will bullet point for ease-

• I feel like he watches and assesses me constantly, how I eat, drink, walk and talk are often brought into conversation and never in a positive way. For example if I am walking in front he will regularly scold me for always getting in people's way, but if I slow to let them pass ' we'll never get anywhere at this rate', if I walk beside him he will comment if I turn 'why would you go that way' I got into the unconscious habit of walkin g half a step behind so I can follow him, but now this is always wrong too. I try to lightheartedly bringing up the issue but all I get is 'we'll if you knew how annoying it was'
• He often looses his temper and speaks to me in an aggressive way so that the dog hides behind me shaking, then says he was talking normally. He will be very aggressive to companies on the phone to the extent that it scares me.
• He has never hurt me but has held me physically from leaving a room or the houses.
• He will constantly undermine me about the littlest things in front of people, for example I said how lovely the big archway in our friends New kitchen was, he made quite a big thing of telling the people we were with how silly I was because it was only a normal door size, later on we visited friends again..it is huge.
• when he comes in he often stomps around tidying/correcting the house, gutting sighing and complaining, this often involves throwing my things, or kicking our baby daughters toys across the floor. I have told him this makes me really upset as I feel it might frighten her. If I react when he's doing it he will say he wasn't angry but I've made him mad by asking, if I don't react he will often get into my personal space like snatching food out of my hands or moving my leg out the way. I can't explain it but it feels so nasty.

-He regularly reduces me to tears then laughs at me while I'm crying calling me hysterical.

• Regularly looses his temper in the car/ getting ready to go somewhere or silks.

Feel so unhappy as I don't want our daughter to be affected by the bad atmosphere between us.

Oh love; he won't change, he will just change his tactics.

You don't owe him anything - even the dog is cowering in fear.

ovenbun,

Nice, reasonable women like you always give such losers like him another chance at ultimately further cost to themselves. This man does not even know the meaning of the word love and love is not just a verb.

The sunken costs fallacy in relationships again rears its ugly head here and you walked straight into that trap. You forget that the damage has already been done.

By giving him a month that just gives him more time to abuse you and you now will suffer another month at his hands. He will now become more careful and change his tactics. They all say that they promise to change - they never do. Fundamentally these men do not change; they actually hate women and all of them as well. Don't you think you've had enough already; even the dog has become scared let alone your DD who is learning about relationships already from the two of you.

0808 2000 247 is Womens Aid's phone number.

There are so many major problems here OP that he won't change. He controls you with his aggressiveness and criticism. You are frightened of him.
He's nice to everyone except you.
He criticises you - even to the point where you can't walk down the street properly, he has a violent temper and frightens you, he has physically restrained you.
You've already told him how his behaviour affects you and upsets you and he laughs at you and belittles you.
Do you really honestly believe he wants to change?
Or that he'll make an effort for a short while before reverting right back to normal.
People on this thread have given a resounding LTB, that's because he's massively abusive towards you and it's a shit environment in which to raise a child.
I wouldn't be hanging around, why does he deserve this chance? And how much will he 'change' in the space of a month?
Come on, you know what you need to do. Start making plans to do it.

Sorry, lots of 'you's in that post

Oh you are a poor thing! I have left my partner with the behaviour like this three months ago. It is horrible because your mind is blinded by love and a mammoth amount of input you have made trying to keep things nice. It is a very hard step to make and I just hope the time will heal indeed eventually. Why do we so often see men with this narcissistic pattern?? what is it in our society or culture that turns lovely boys into abusive self-serving men who cause so much pain and suffering to their families? They are charming in public, play caring friends and sons but at home they habitually insult, dissect, call names, critisize, emotionally maul the very people they depend on in being reassured and loved.
My heart goes out to you.

He won't change - you will just walk on more eggshells and keep your fingers crossed that he won't start again.

Please speak to Women's Aid again.

He will NOT change. You will be drawn again in the cycle of alternating hope and despair, draining your will and motivation to live. Save your strength for the future when you will really need it.

Oh OP your post is heart rending. The fact that you think you don't even have it bad speaks volumes. As does the fact that your parents would apparently expect you to stay in this god awful relationshit.

Please get yourself and DD free before it is too late.

You don't owe him anything. I am really worried about you.

He has never hurt me but has held me physically from leaving a room or the houses That's the turning point right there. Kicking your daughters toys is one step away from kicking her. Please leave him, safely and secretly. He is abusive and I bet it is escalating. i'd like anyone to try to tell me how to walk! What a sodding bully. You've put up with too much for too long. Do you have family/friends you can confide in?

Just read. Please don't give him a month. You owe your daughter not him.

Where is he going to get 'help' for this? Who can help? Who can make him change?

My blood ran cold reading your op.

stopping you physically is abuse - just because he isn't punching you it doens't mean his behaviour is acceptable.

Please read the advice given here OP - so many have been in your shoes. And we got away.

Ovenbun massive hugs and hope you're ok. As everyone else has said, this is abuse.

It sounds like it's escalated already (think back to the start of your relationship - did he behave like this in the early days?) and it will probably continue to do. If the dog is scared, it won't be long before your daughter is too.

I was with a man who behaved just like your husband for a long time. I was scared of all the same things, and especially confused by the fact that everyone else thought he was such a lovely person, but one day we were in a shop and I walked out of the door before him and he started screaming at me in the street and I realised it wasn't right. That's the first step. I don't think anybody really wants to be abusive, they're generally just trying to make themselves feel better about something and going about it in an awful way. The hardest part was confiding in parents, and then leaving him, but as soon as I had done that his hold was broken and it got easier from then on. Good luck and stay strong for your daughter.

Are you still there OP?

Sorry for going so quiet, busy day..thank you all again for the kindness, support and guidance. I am listening to each of you, and I will think about. What you have said. It's hard because I still have a lot of hope that things can be better. If I do need to walk away I need to know that I tried my best...it probably sounds really stupid but I don't think I can leave until I know I've tried my hardest for both of them

'Tried your best'?! What have you been doing up until now? Only half trying?!

Seriously, you have tried your best. You really, really have. Right now you are trying to bail out a sinking ship with a teaspoon. Its just not going to work.

Marriage is a partnership - why would you want to be partners with someone who has NEVER had any intention of being HIS best for the person who (supposedly) matters the most to them?!

You have tried your best. By staying you are putting your baby at risk. He has destroyed your marriage you aren't causing it to end. He chooses to be an arsehole. By staying you are not doing your best for your dd.

You may find your anxiety issues lessen when you leave and he is no longer a threat to you.

He will promise, he will threaten, he will possibly change for a few days.but fundamentally the nasty man is your dh, the nice glimmers are your fake dh, it's an act to keep you there.

Do not risk you dd growing up thinking this is how a relationship should be. Choosing a husband who treats her like this.

Get everything on record with hv. Get real life support.

You deserve better than this, you sound like a nice person.

No, it is a common answer. You try your best and he carries on.

Such a sad thread.

I wish you strength

As a result of your 'conversation' with him he will definitely change for the better!
For a little bit.
until he gets comfortable. Or until you find a bit of confidence and need bringing down.
Recognising that he is abusive is a good start.
Its still worth speaking to women's aid now rather than waiting out the month.
Good luck and remember whatever you feel you owe him you owe your daughter, you and dog more.

Glad you came back OP, keep posting here for support.

Please though, listen to everyone, as a lot of us have been where you are. By giving him another chance you are just prolonging the inevitable.
He won't change. He won't.

Once you've got away, you will be so much happier and far less anxious - promise!

Oh my goodness, absolute bully, nasty piece of work, he will never change, this is who he is, he might, just to keep you under control again but give it a few more weeks and he'll be back on his reign of terror.

Seriously OP, please get away from him, he's an absolute vile human being and is using you as his verbal and by the sounds of it, sometimes physical punch bag - nothing kind about him.

Angel, do not let his hollow promises to change lull you into a false sense of security. Abusers are at their most dangerous when they feel that their iron-grip on their victim is loosening. You have just made this as plain as day and that could leave you incredibly vulnerable. Do not trust him one single inch, and please watch your back!

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