talk some sense into me please

[coffeeandcroissants]

Very fragile at the minute so please be gentle. Following a violent outburst a few weeks ago (first in 14 year marriage) I left with kids and no intention of going back. Unfortunately I have kept in contact for kids sake (they are unaware of what happened) and I can already feel myself being worn down, he is sad, he will change, he was stressed.
Believe me I really have no intention of going back and have sorted a house, sorted finances and informed work/ family what happened....but how do I stay strong over the next few years if I'm already starting to feel guilty for kids/ sorry for him.
I am seeing solicitor this week to discuss contact as I have no idea what to do, but I can tell that me speaking to him all the time is not a good plan.

Not sure what I'm really asking but have been reading a lot of threads lately and wondered if anyone had any words of wisdom about managing contact with kids?
Also worried about him reading this as he knows I come on this site a lot so won't go into too much detail.
Thanks

Didn't want to read and run. Assuming the violent outburst involved stbxp being violent towards you, Women's Aid will be able to help you. Best of luck, well done and stand firm.

You are doing fine. You are doing all the right things. Keep contact to the minimum, and keep it practical topics only. Let your solicitor guide you and lean, lean, lean on your friends.

Thanks for the quick response, didn't expect anyone to reply tonight! Friends (and boss) are being great but feel like I need some experienced opinion too hence solicitor. Have spoken to women's aid but as I don't need refuge they didn't have too much to say other than see solicitor.
It was his violent outburst cheapskatemum and all very nasty, but as he has told me that no bones were broken and he wasn't arrested (because I asked them not to for kids sake) then I need to stop being dramatic and get over it.
Don't feel I am being dramatic at all and quite sure I am dong best thing for kids but he makes me question it.

sorry loads of typo's!

I was sickeningly verbally threatened by violence in my own home very recently. It has caused the total breakup of my family. Someone who defends his actions says that he didn't actually carry out his threats so it's ok and I need to calm down. No way. I called the police and the person in question is never, ever allowed anywhere near my home. I grew up in a very violent home where my father used my mum as a punch bag and the emotional scars have wrecked so many lives.
I have no idea what this man has said/threatened but obviously it was serious enough for you to take the drastic action of moving out. Just remember, whatever he threatened he may well carry through with the next time he is 'stressed' or whatever pathetic excuse he comes up with.
You have been so strong so far so don't you dare start to crumble now. You have done the hardest bit. My mum was unable to leave my father as DV was not considered a crime when I was growing up. If she had been able to then she would have had 4 level headed children instead of the 4 broken, traumatised children she did have thanks to my fathers actions. My brother recently committed suicide due to the emotional pain of the abuse.
In your case, no, no bones were broken but what are you going to do, wait until they are? Keep texts to an absolute minimum and reply to very few of them. Of course, he will try to wear you down and you will start to doubt yourself but hey, if only more women were strong enough/able to leave as soon as they saw the first sign of abuse. It rarely goes away.
Whenever you start to feel yourself weakening then get back on MN so your friends on here can give you words of support and encouragement.

heyday :( so sorry to hear about your brother.

OP It will help if you reduce contact as much as possible and absolutely just keep it related to the DC. You are not overreacting and going back just gives him permission to repeat his behaviour.

Stay strong. You are doing the right thing.

So sorry you are going through this.

Are you comfortable for your children to have unsupervised contact?

Generally contact is agreed at mediation, anything from 50:50 care, to every other weekend and a night in the week, it's all about what suits the individuals.

With DV involved the situation changes, what do you think is right for your children? Their safety and well being is paramount.

You made a massive step by leaving

You have done SO well

As others have said keep contact to a minimum and don't forget why you left him

Don't be drawn into conversation (verbal, text or email) with him unless it is about the DCs.

No doubt he will accuse you of breaking up the family and upsetting the DCs, but just ignore him. Keep the texts and emails but ignore.

My friend's DD is going through similiar and always regrets replying to his texts.

Well done for leaving, it's not easy, but it is essential.

'no bones were broken so you need to stop being dramatic about it'

What the actual fuck - he's not even sorry for what he has done. Fucking hell, what does he think you should do? Go back for more until he really hurts you or kills you?? What an utter bastard.

I would go back to the police, make a statement, tell them you were too scared to have him arrested at the time but want it on record as you are scared about him having contact with your children. You might not be right now, but one day you might and you will need all the official back up you can get to get supervised contact.

You would be putting your life and your children's lives in danger if you went back. What more do you need to hear to stay away from him? It is no use saying 'he wouldn't hurt the kids' - think back, did you ever think 'there's no way he'd actually hurt me' - I bet you did :(

Stay strong, you can do this, we're all here to help
x

Can a friend or relative be there? If not would you use a contact centre?

He has caused this. He chose to hurt you. He is now minimising and no doubt will have the audacity to blame you for splitting up the family.

I am wondering if he was abusive in other ways, ie emotionally abusive or financially or verbally in some way because that adds a further dynamic about contact.

The first time I split with my ex he wore me down. I felt it was easier to go back. The second time I split up with him he tried to strangle me - I was lucky but I honestly believed I was going to die.

Maybe get a friend to proof read his emails and texts prior to you reading them. I would do this for a friend for the next 5 years if I had to. I would tell her to get a new number, put the old sim in a cheaply phone and I would deal with it. You would get to know child related things only. Get someone else to do handover. Tell him all communication must be written. Can you go back to the police and press charges now? It may actually help you in the long run.

The best thing is to avoid, ignore and report.
Avoid contact wherever possible. Keep it to email so you can prove it.
Ignore things he says, to rile you, or nice and nasty manipulation so intended to hook you back to your place.
And if there are any crimes such as threats or harassment, report them.
Contact not at your house, not designed to be a way to see you or communicate with you.
Use a third party if necessary.
If it doesn't work, suspend it and go through court.
Good luck! X

I'm glad you got out of the relationship. You're doing all the right things. It's going to sound unnecessarily harsh but you have to keep contact to the very bare minimum now. Business-like rather than friendly, and preferably in writing rather than in person or over the phone where he can try out his sob stories and wear you down. This is important a) to create distance and b) as potential evidence. Otherwise surround yourself with people who agree with your decision. Reject anyone that tries to cause doubt

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and answer, I really appreciate the support. Heyday I'm sorry for what you went through and it has brought it home why I wanted my kids out of there.
He kept me locked in the house, threw me around, like I said nothing broken but lots of bruises, held a piece of glass and lit cigarette to my face and made many many threats. I did think I was going to die although I knew a friend had called police. I'm shaking like mad as I write this and think about it.
The most difficult thing is that the kids want to see him all the time and think I am mean if I don't let them.
There are things from the house we all need and whilst he is being nice (and thinking we can sort this out) I'm tempted to go and get them, neighbours around etc, feels safe. I have not given impression at any time that we will get back together, just said its over but he doesn't believe me.
sunshine you are right he isn't sorry because he has convinced himself its no big deal and lots of couples go through this and stay together, in fact he said it could be the making of us (!) as he now realises what he has got to lose.
His mum (who has always been a great MIL) said 'remember your wedding vows, everyone makes mistakes' after I told her everything. unbelievable.
Just cant wait to be in new place and set boundaries as everything feels in limbo at the minute. Cog and everyone else, thanks for reminding me what I need to do, I will be strong, my kids need me to even if they don't know it. Thank you x