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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

pregnant by my ex dont know what to do help!!

19 replies

charbeat · 16/08/2014 19:17

I am 36, my partner and I separated I january after 18 years together, we have a 16 year old daughter together. Shortly after we separated, he met someone else, I was devastated. We had a brief reconciliation in may/june when he was telling me he wanted is to be back together and it was over between him and the other woman, this was not the case and he is now back with her. 4 weeks ago, I discovered I am pregnant, he has told me in no uncertain terms to have an abortion and even asked me to tell he other woman it is not his. He has since told me, if I dont, he will have no further contact with our daughter and even saying he hoped I would die in childbirth if I go ahead with it. I was due to have a termination last week and when I got to the hospital, I couldnt do it, I have asked for more time to consider. My daughter is desperate for me to have the baby and has said she will help me all she can. I have not told my parents because hey despise my ex and would be so dissapointed in me. I have an appt at hospital booked for monday and I still dont know what to do.

OP posts:

Mumof3xox · 16/08/2014 19:18

What a disgusting man

Tbh your daughter is 16. I would be honest with her.

Mumof3xox · 16/08/2014 19:19

Argh posted too soon

Your parents will of course come around eventually.

Your ex is trying to bully and scare you. So hardly a good man to have in your dcs life anyway

StampyIsMyBoyfriend · 16/08/2014 19:25

I take it you never married him? Assume this would make it harder to claim maintenance etc.

Do what is right for YOU. If you can manage on your own, then go for it. I'd also be honest with your daughter.

He sounds like a grade A bastard, and you all sound better off without him.

Please keep talking to wiser mumsnetters than me.

Twinklestein · 16/08/2014 19:26

He is clearly a cunt of the highest order so it's handy he's found this other woman.

Keep the baby if you want it, don't be bullied into a termination. (But equally don't let your daughter pressurise you either because it's got to be your own choice). Give yourself some time to think it through carefully.

He was only threatenening to cut contact with your daughter you because he knows his relationship with this other woman may be over if she finds out about the pregnancy. If he goes through with it he wasn't worth knowing.

newnameforanewstart · 16/08/2014 19:28

Close your eyes. Pretend that your Ex doesn´t exist, then just consider your options. If you want to go through with the pregnancy then there is help available and your parents will come round.

Be kind to YOURSELF and limit contact with your EX. and for the moment do it via email only - written record of any harassment etc and email has a password so you can log on when YOU feel able to and most importantly log off if you want.

Do what is right for YOU.

lottieandmia · 16/08/2014 19:28

OP, I'm so sorry he has treated you this way. Make the right decision for you and not for him. You do not have to be married to get maintenance from this man. If you say he is the parent and he disputes it, he will have to agree to a DNA test or the CSA will presume parentage.

Original poster

charbeat · 16/08/2014 19:48

Thank you for all your advice, im so worried about what affect it will have on my daughter if I have the termination, but im not sure I can go ahead with havi g baby. I want to move on with my life and I dont want him to have any part of it, he rarely sees our daughter anyway, and I have had to go to the csa to get him to pay for her.

OP posts:

lottieandmia · 16/08/2014 19:48

He sounds like a complete arsewipe.

Original poster

charbeat · 16/08/2014 19:55

He is, he was abusive throughout our relationship and I stayed hoping, it would get better, I was still in school when I met him and ive never had any other relationships. He injured his leg last year and he was off work for several monhs during which time I suported him financially and arranged my work arojnd hospital appts etc. As soon as he was able he started going out, staying out all nignt etc and id finally had enough and decided to end it.

OP posts:

newnameforanewstart · 16/08/2014 20:00

Charbeat.

Your daughter will understand, it might take time and carefully considered words but she loves you and wants you to be happy.

Is it the thought of being tied to your EX for 18 more years or so that you can´t face at the moment? (Quite understandable from what you have said)

Do you feel that having a termination is the best thing for you? If so then it is the best thing for you. No one else really matters, if however you feel pushed into a termination by your EX then don´t go through with it until you are confident in YOUR decision.

For what its worth I was in your position many years ago, and for me the right decision was to continue with the pregnancy, if it helps my EX wanted nothing to do with DD and has had no contact with her or me since I was pregnant, which was GREAT by me, I was more concerned that he would want contact (abusive relationship)

Can you / have you talked to anyone in RL?

StandsOnGoldenSands · 16/08/2014 20:04

Setting aside him and your daughter completely, close your eyes, take some deep slow breaths and listen to your instinct. What is it telling you?
You have to do what you feel is right for you. Spend some time focusing on that, tune the test out. Yes even your daughter. Whatever you choose, she will love you and I'm sure she will support you when she has had time to absorb your decision.
Just focus on you. What do you want, how do you see your future?

StandsOnGoldenSands · 16/08/2014 20:04

Rest not test. Sorry.

Twinklestein · 16/08/2014 20:06

Your daughter is 16 and has no real idea of what's involved in having a baby, she probably just thinking of something cute to love. She's got plenty of time to have her own kids.

I remember a girl at school got pregnant and really really wanted the baby. After it was born she got bored of it and her parents looked after it. That's teens for you - fads and fashions.

SolidGoldBrass · 16/08/2014 20:09

This is your choice. And, by the way, cut all contact with your XP. If you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy, leave him off the birth cert and do not chase contact - he has no right to contact you at all until the baby is born. He will probably vanish and good riddance.

As to your DD, she is entitled to her feelings about the pregnancy, but it's your decision to make, not hers.

You are (presumably) about 10-12 weeks pregnant, so you have a week or so to consider your decision. Wishing you all the best.

sezamcgregor · 16/08/2014 21:22

Do what is right for you. You know the love and joy of having a child, and you know what having a termination - and having a baby - means.

I had my DS under similar circumstances, in that I found out after we split up. DS is nearly 7 now and I'll be a similar age to you when he's 16 and I can start my life again with my gorgeous grown up son and the world as my oyster.

Starting again, especially as a single parent is absolutely not what I'd want to do!

You need to make the decision based on your thoughts and feelings and put all thoughts out of your mind of proving horrible ex or proving him wrong. There is no easy options here

BolshierAyraStark · 16/08/2014 23:22

Have the baby, the fact you already cancelled the termination gives you your answer.

Chiana · 17/08/2014 00:40

Think about what YOU want. Leave your ex and your DD out of it. And good luck either way.

Trills · 17/08/2014 00:58

Do not have a baby because your 16 year old wants you to. It is not her decision and she does not understand, and will not have to live with, the full impact of it.

Do not have an abortion because your ex wants you to. It is not his decision and he does not understand, and will not have to live with, the full impact of it.

What do YOU want for the rest of your life?

Hughfearnley · 17/08/2014 13:57

Big hugs
Your ex is not a nice person.
I would take him, your parents and your daughter out of the decision-making completely. Your daughter is 16 and will understand that if your Ex refuses to see her then there is only him that can be held responsible for that. If he refused to be involved with any baby then that may make life easier for you by the sounds of it.

Genuine questions to help you make the decision
How would you feel following a termination (short/long term)?
How did you cope with a tiny baby last time? ?PND ?physical problems
Can you face starting all over with a tiny baby?
Are there any other goals on your life and how would a baby impact on them? (For example travel, hobbies and future relationships)
How would you cope with a child with special needs?
Factor in the enjoyment and Iove and other opportunities having a child brings.
Are there financial/career implications regarding this decision?

Remember, you WILL make a good decision if you are making the decision that feels right for you.

I wish you all the best. There is no right or wrong decision here, you are just choosing the path that your life will take.

Sending you all the luck in the world whatever you decide to do.

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