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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it possible to recover from this?

4 replies

stickydate65 · 16/08/2014 12:03

I have been married to DH for 24 years, 3 DC. DH had a breakdown about 18 months ago, due to work stress. I supported him through this and tried to be there for him even though at times it was very claustrophobic! I am (pre) menopausal and I know I have perhaps not always been the easiest person to live with lately but I thought we were doing ok, youngest child (15) hasn't been the easiest of children and has definitely tried all our patience in the last couple of years. DH has suddenly come out with the statement that he's no longer happy, I irritate him and he thinks we've drifted apart. He had been different towards me for about 6 months , no longer loving and hugging me etc. but I just put that down to busy work etc. I was looking forward to our holiday for a chance to spend some quality time together but he was just as distant. I am completely heartbroken, I feel he should be supporting me through my menopause or at least be a little understanding but it feels like he has just kicked me when i'm down. He says there's no body else and he doesn't want us to split up but how do we get over this? I can't think straight at the moment, I am so devastated that the last 24 years seem to mean nothing to him. He seems completely oblivious to my tears and how hurt I am, in fact they just seem to make him more irritated! He thinks we can mange to 'drift' back together again but is that really possible? What do others think? is it possible to refind our love or am I kidding myself?

OP posts:
FinnsMum19 · 16/08/2014 12:16

You've both been through pretty major life events in the past year, I'm sorry you're going through this.

Have you considered counselling?

stickydate65 · 16/08/2014 12:18

I suggested this but he doesn't think our problems are so bad we need it! That's what I mean, he seems incapable of comprehending how devastating his announcement was to me! It's almost as if he feels i'm over reacting? Maybe I am, but it hurts like hell! :(

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 16/08/2014 12:22

Well, what does he suggest happens next? If he feels you have 'drifted apart' then he should be looking for somewhere else to live and packing his things, surely - or at least to have told you he plans to move out.

Or does he expect you to scurry around frantically trying to please him and begging him not to go, while he continues to enjoy his home comforts?

Given that you say he doesn't think you as a couple need counselling, what is he trying to achieve by saying something so unkind to you?

stickydate65 · 16/08/2014 12:28

I wish I knew! He says we just need to keep talking but seems to be irritated by 'going round in circles'. Atm 'scurrying around' him is exactly how I feel! Afraid to do/say the wrong thing! Trying to repair things, be less irritable and more loving irritates him, so what do I do? I don't want us to split up, he says it's not what he wants but can we get over this by just talking and giving it time? does that really happen? or are we in danger of just drifting along....

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