Have I told dd too much?

[cosmicboy]

I am a tad emotional this week as I suffer from fairly awful pmt and find it very hard not to burst into tears for 2 days a month Anyway, I split with dd dad when she was 6, she is now 13. He doesn't live locally but sees her for long weekends etc approx 6 times a year. Our split was amicable, nobody else involved etc but I know it was hard for dd. Ex moved away (100's of miles) weeks after we split and initially contact was a little inconsistent. I have always spoken fondly of him around
dd, we do birthday/Xmas
pressies etc for him and his
new family and I still have a very good relationship with his extended family. Over the years he has been cold, distant and critical towards me and despite never contributing anything financially, he has never (it would seem) given a dam about my welfare. I came very close to losing my home in the early days of our separation and over the years have successfully hidden so many hard and tricky times from both our dcs.

So last night dd and I were chatting and as expected for her age she was asking for money for something (she is a lovely girl who actually asks very infrequently for anything!) and I suggested that for once she asked her dad. She got very defensive about him and how poor he is (which is true) and it ended up revealing a little about how hard life had been in the past and explained that I had never been supported by her dad financially etc I just
feel so bad now, I have
always always put her
emotional needs first and
want her so much to view her
parents to be on good terms.
I feel like my 7 years of hard
work are ruined, as believe
me there have been many
occasions over the years that
I have wanted to rant about
and at her dad!!

Not sure if it's relevant but dp and I are n

It may or not be relevant but dp and myself are now much better off than my ex but by no means are we rolling in it!
Thank-you if you've got this far I did intend to be brief!

My god, I really can't deal with technology!! So sorry about the very disjointed post!

I think you tell the DCs what appropriate to their age group.

So it was right to protect dd when she was little however now it's no bad thing for her to have some understanding and appreciation of how rough it has been for you.

You sound as if you're doing a great job

I agree - age appropriate is fine.

I do wonder why no maintenance though - why don't you file a claim with CMS?

Firstly I think it's a shame that because she hardly ever asks for things that you told her to ask her dad. I mean you said she's a good kid etc so I don't understand why you didn't just say yes.

Secondly I suppose she is getting to an age where she might ask questions etc. you were only being honest and tbh if you and him don't get on/put a front on for dd I honestly believe she will have or soon figure out its not original. Kids are great at stuff like that!

Don't be too hard on yourself. Kids deserve the truth. She knows he has no money so probably won't have been surprised that he didn't pay maintenance.

I didn't want to read and run, it sounds like your doing a great job and it's good that you've always tried to be positive about your ex. My mum was the same but you get to an age where you have to start to understand the adults around you aren't perfect and that they have their own relationship that has been up and down and flawed.
I'm sure it will all be fine and as long as you keep talking, a bit of honesty is not a bad thing.
I got to an age where yes I still loved my dad and the k he's great but realised he can be a useless arse at times.

I believe that children need to see reality that's fitting for their age. I think it's right that you have told her. You don't seemed to have gone over the top about it. I wouldn't worry.

You did the right thing. It's only badmouthing when it's inaccurate or inappropriate. Hide the truth too successfully and DCs can end up very confused. After all, if he's such a great guy and you got on so well together, why would you split up in the first place?

Thanks all. To clarify, I suggested she asked her Dad as we are struggling a bit this month thanks to various unexpected expenses.
I have never tried for maintenance, simply because I so wanted for things to remain on friendly terms and whenever I have asked for help things have always become unpleasant. Basically, if I stay friendly and don't challenge his lack of financial help we tick along ok. Does that make sense?
I just feel awful that I cried and had a mini meltdown Although she does totally understand I'm hormonal at the moment as unfortunately she is the same.

Incidentally, we split up because we were childhood sweethearts who out grew each other, both of us are now much happier!

'Ticking along OK' has smashed your confidence. You've essentially been very passive in an effort not to rock the boat and now you're beating yourself up simply for telling the truth. Your ex sounds like a complete bully and a really crappy father. What kind of man would deprive their own child of funds?

I think it's too easy to dismiss this as hormones. If you've had years of bullying felt obliged to stay friendly and been unable to assert yourself despite enduring hardship, that's pretty depressing stuff.

It's not too late to make that financial claim and have it backdated. Stand up for yourself and DD. Take a risk and stop being passive. If he gets unpleasant, it'll save you the job of telling DD that her Dad is a miserable, penny-pinching shit.

The thing is he is extremely poor and dp are comfortable, our own (small!) home etc This hasn't always been the case, when I was on my own, I went through some desperate, hard times and I look back now and wish I had been tougher with my ex.
I am weak, I know I am but the relationship I had with my ex was horrendous compared to what I and the dcs have now, so I'm just so glad that life is so much rosier now. I guess what I want is for my ex to appreciate all my hard work, I have worked so hard to raise them, they are happy, thriving at school and just bloody wonderful, yet all I get is contempt from him while I'm trying so hard to be positive about him around the dcs. I guess letting my guard down is fine, as others have said as they get older they will become more aware of how things are/have been.

Thank-you again, opening up on here is helping so much.

What opportunities does he get to show you his contempt? If you're in contact then that should stop. He's not your friend.

We only really have contact via text/email to organise contact. When I drop the kids off he is generally ok unfriendly but ok, he has been known to drop the odd snide remark about my parenting style etc I have learnt to just ignore this!!

Even though he is poor, I think you should still pursue the financial claim on principle. Even if all DD is awarded is £10/week, it makes the point.

I personally think you have taken the right path with her DF. It has kept things amicable then that has benefitted your DD and probably, in some ways, yourself too. Your little girl is now on her way to adulthood and does need to start to begin to learn about the complexities of the grown up world. It's been really hard for you financially and no doubt you resent that ex has been of no help at all financially. You could have got into endless arguments with him over money but let's be honest, you wouldn't have got anywhere with it as he was unable/unwilling to contribute to her upbringing.
You have said what you said, you can always return to the subject again (once hormones are more settled perhaps) and use this as an introduction to money management for your daughter.
I would text/email yr ex and say that now she is getting older she is going to want/need more things and could he start contributing something either to you or directly to DD to help her get the most out of her life. You may well be met with hostility but it is long overdue that he starts to contribute something for his own daughter, even if it is only a small sum.

I don't think you've said anything you shouldn't: when my xh left I was pregnant. He had sporadic contact with ds when he was tiny but was unreliable and often very unpleasant. To start with, I tried the "daddy loves you, it's just he and mummy couldn't live together any longer" line but as my ds witnessed his father's tantrums I realised that I was simply confusing him (when I told him I loved him it came with cuddles and home and stability, so how could shouting and not turning up also be love?).

So I changed it to "daddy was a bit silly but he should have looked after you better". This made much more sense to him (aged 3-4) and seemed to put his mind at rest. Now he's 10 (and his father hasn't shown his face for over 4 years) I just say " that's not how to be a father but it's not your fault - it can't be because grandad, uncle, godfather etc etc all enjoy spending time with you and help me to look after you".

As he gets older still, I will be honest if lack of maintenance means ds has to miss out or wait a bit longer for something than his friends. I try to stick to facts rather than making personal comments about his father but at the same time, I think my ds deserves to have an understanding of the reality of our circumstances.

Are you on your own yb? It must be hard having no contact/support I am now going to try to be more honest, the thing is I have spent the dcs entire childhood sort of papering of the cracks when it comes to their dad. He is actually a decent dad when he sees them, very kind, loving etc, he just doesn't have an ounce of respect for me and certainly doesn't feel under any pressure to offer financial help. He's actually had another dd recently, which I must admit does seem to me a little irresponsible when he claims he can't support his older dcs?!

From what you have said it makes me wonder what horrible things he may have been saying about you to dc all these years while you have done the opposit. If the split was amicable why has he held such a big grudge against you all these years? Sounds like he got badly hurt.

I think you should get an application in for maintenance - sorry, but he will never respect you, but he should contribute.

Hi op

How do you know so much about his financial situation? Or are you trusting what he is telling you?

I too think you have been too soft with him, I also have been guilty of the same to be honest, but if he can afford another child he can afford to support the two he has already.

Maybe it's about time you found your voice and fuck him off for a change.

It really was an amicable split and initially we very much shared parenting and were good friends. He moved on very quickly and I was pleased for him as he was a bit lost initially and I wanted him to be happy. He may well be unkind about me when the dcs are with him, I guess I'll never know. He generally is regarded as a very imposing, cold character by others, although he can switch on the charm when necessary, so I think really how he is with me is no different to how he is with others. For example I have a very easy and close relationship still with his family, while he often falls out with them, upsets then etc
I think I'm over thinking things now aren't I? Anyway, dd is as smiley and jolly as I would expect her to be today, we're off out together later so maybe it may come up in conversation again but I certainly won't push it.

She'll be fine - it was one little blip and you sound a really thoughtful mum. Stop beating yourself up!

You haven't done the wrong thing. They have to know sooner or later, and by the time she's 30 she'll have worked her way through the whole thing and will realise just how brave and good you've been by being positive all these years when he was offering no support at all.

I disagree with following the financial claim on principle.

I did this with ex and it's like poking a snake. I inadvertently opened a whole can of worms which I'm still dealing with years later. I wish I'd have just cut and run so he'd have fucked off out of our lives with nary a whimper. We didn't really need the money so it wasn't really worth it.

Op do what you feel comfortable with and what you need to do to keep a decent-as-possible relationship with ex. You have to be pragmatic.

Thats how I feel plynth, we don't struggle, although we do lead a fairly modest life and certainly don't have a nest egg. My hunch is that it would be like 'poking a snake' which would make life so much harder for us all and for what? £5 a week I'm guessing I just hate that I'm still quietly seething (at times) about how her dad is with me and regret letting my guard down when I was feeling emotional. Normally he is far from my thoughts!