after thanking me for being so patient& loving... he hurts me so deeply

[middleagecrisis]

So I have written before about dp's stress the last while due to work. I took the advice given here and backed away from the relationship, to given him space. He noticed and was very upset that I thought he didn't care. He made promises. But, I have supported him above and beyond what any dp would do. At times I wondered why as he was often so hurtful or cranky. I put it down to stress, possibly slight depression. He'd say things and then retract them saying he loves me and nobody has ever stuck by him this much. That he loves nothing more than my company and relaxing. He would apologise for his behaviour and I would forgive and forget. I loved him.I knew he was under a lot of pressure. But the promises never materialised. He was pulling away from from me slowly. I noticed and it was so hard for the last 3 weeks. I kept blaming myself, am i not good looking enough, slim enough, sweet enough? I kept asking myself did i ask too much of him? I know i didn't. I rarely asked much for me.
The only thing I had hoped would happen was that we would live together more permanently. Buti never pushed. We just discussed it and that it would happen naturally in the future.when we were both ready.

Well it will never happen. It's been all about him. Selfish him.
I know now that my instincts were right in the last few weeks. He came over earlier. Didn't stay long as he said he had work early in morning. His phone buzzed while he ran up to the bathroom before he had to leave. I had to check it. it read " hi x, yes i'd love to meet up with you tomorrow evening. Would be nice to finally meet face to face, where would you like to meet?".
I deleted the text. I was shaking. I didn't want him to know it had been read. He came down, kissed me goodbye and said he would ring me later that he wasn't sure about meeting tmrw as might have to meet the lads in town. I stood there motionless. just smiled and said ok. i walked him to the door and like a robot i waved, inside my heart was still beating fast.
I sat down and cried. every thing he said and did with me for the last 6 years went through my head. He can try ringing later if he wants but I won't have the phone on. I will change my number and never speak to him again. It's the lies that hurt the most. I'll never forgive him for hurting me and making me feel worthless. Men like this don't ever change and it took me 6 years (too old for more children now)to see that.

Oh no, what an awful shock for you. Wishing you lots of strength to get through the next few days and weeks. [Flowers]

Hey middleagecrisis you are not alone you don't deserve this noone does leaving him is the best thing for you see thread about dv elsewhere on mumsnet what has been happening to you is emotional abuse a type of domestic violence look after yourself and don'tket him make yiu feel bad and let him back into your life all the bwst

Thank you coughle, kind words, I don' want pity as I know i have only myself to blame for not walking away years ago, but i stupidly thought he cared about me. I know now he was using me, all the lines of flattery were sweet talk tojust have me there to help and support him. I can't believe I was fooled. I am so proud that even you sending flowers there kills me as it makes me realise how stupid and blinkered I was How can someone be so horrible and selfish. I don't understand it, that's what's killing me most. I didn't deserve that. End it like a real man, not like this. he didn't have the balls.

Oh poor you, what an awful shock.
Don't waste any more of your emotional energy on him - it's precious.
Look after yourself now.
I wouldn't even engage with him about it, just make it clear that he's not welcome in your life any more.
Rotten bastard.

yes before this if we had an arguement i tried tomake him see how hurtful or selfish he was being, that itwas his actions that made me either pull away or leave. I kept telling him if he didn't want to be with me the just say it. we'd go our separate ways and get on with life. But he cried,pulled me back and said it is you i want. i put his behaviour down to immaturity in a real relationship. stupid me.
this time I won't speak to him. i know he'll try call, but my phone is off. tmrw I will get a new number. he just hurt me so bad now that every bone in my body hates him. i never thought I'd say those words about him.

You poor thing! What a complete bastard! Stay angry, channel it to Ice Cold Fury and you'Ll get constructive.

Agree on the number changing etc.

(((hug))) keep talking, we're here!

Oh that's awful, you are worth so much more. Please don't let this idiot shape who you are, seriously how dare he! X

I think he probably did and does care for you but perhaps he was not as committed to the relationship as you were.
You gave him the benefit if the doubt and believed that he wanted to be with you however, I think deep down you knew that the relationship was not really going well but chose to ignore the signs.
It's time to have a good old cry then start the healing process which will take a bit of time. Onwards and upwards.

He's a dick, but I guess you knew that deep down. Been there done that, I surrendered so much power to my Ex it wasn't funny. I too would say if he wanted to end it he'd just have to say the word. He didn't because it wasn't convenient for him and despite my awareness of his cowardice and selfishness, I delegated not ending a dysfunctional relationship because ultimately I didn't want the responsibility.

Is the relationship over? You're not returning his calls, are you fearful that if you did speak to him that he'd sweet talk you back? Right now the hurt is fueliing the talk but you also need to walk the walk. Tell this man that he's a dick and that he's never to darken your door again, then change your number.

From your post it sounds like there are some serious self esteem issues and the insecurity that brings, kept you tethered to this man. Don't waste your time trying to figure out why he was a shit and invest your energies into exploring why you let him treat you with such contempt.

I don't know you're back story and I don't know if your DP is an arse but I've sent messages like that to colleagues (I work freelance) when we've worked together a lot via email and are meeting for the first time. Could it be a similar situation? I don't know why he'd say 'meeting the lads' though...that's the suspect bit. The message itself doesn't have any emotion attached to it at all. Even down to the use of the word 'nice'.

thanks all. has been a tough day. he called non stop. but i didn't pick up. he texted and turned it on me that i was being emotional and what was going on. I answered him finally. i needed to let him know. i know i shouldn't have but i couldn't leave it like that. i told him about the text.of course he replied that it must have been wrong number etc. i told him that i wasn't going to listen to his lies. He admitted then he had joined a siteand that he got talking to a woman. he told me he didn't know why he did it, he apologised, joked and did all the things a desperate man would do after being caught. i said it didn't matter now, that he did it because he wanted to and that i would never have done itto him.i told him that I wanted to be left alone. after much pleading he said he would leave me be if that was what iwanted.
yes i have self esteem issues. he has created them, i don't want that anymore. i love him but i hate him also. So i am focussing on the hate, to get over him. But i feel so empty, like i have lost a huge part of my life. i doubt my decision and want to back track every ten mins but i can't. everyone can make mistakes like he has but i deserve better than this. i want him to realise his mistake. He can life with that. altough i strongly suspect he is turning this in his head blaming me.

Yes of course he will blame you, people who are wrong quite often do.
Yes, people make mistakes but he deliberately joined some sort of dating website, that's not a mistake, that's outright nastiness and deceit.
Keep yourself busy, block his number, cry if you have to but above all, be thankful, very thankful that you have finally removed this piece of rubbish from your life.

He didn't create your self esteem issues, he undoubtedly contributed to them but he didn't create them. Whatever your issues are that led you to stay in a dysfunctional relationship for so long, now is the time to address them.