advice needed please

[theoldtrout01876]

Ok This may be long,Ill try and get all pertinent info included

Ive been divorced for 12 years,Exh is a vindictive arsehole with a major martyr complex. We have no contact.

He has taken me back to court 4 times over the years and has "lost" every time ( no winners except the expensive lawyers ). Im going back next week again.

This time its different. He wants his child support reduced as Ds2 has graduated college. I totally agree with this,its only fair.

He didnt involve lawyers this time as its cut and dry,so I thought. I took the summons to my lawyer to look over before I replied ( hes tried to stiff me every time hes taken me back so far,I just wanted to be sure )

She informed me that hes in contempt as he has never paid a penny of the kids college costs or out of pocket medical expenses ( He was court ordered to last time he took me back in 2009 ). Ive paid everything.

Shes filed a motion to have his support INCREASED.

Here is my dilemma. I think his child support should be decreased but I want the money toward the kids school fees etc. My Ds1 has informed me tonight that his dads unemployment has run out and hes at risk of having his house repossessed.

The man is 57 years old. He retired from a government job in 2009,the year before my oldest went to college. He didnt have to retire he chose to ( He always said he was gonna retire as soon as his 23 years were up, when we were married I had told him that couldnt happen because the kids would be starting college then ).

The judge,when he took me back for a reduction due to retirement in 2009, told him tough,get another job,normal people cant afford to retire at your age.He then increased his child support.

This is the man that actually has it in black and white in the divorce papers that he refuses to spend a penny on anything for his kids ever,will only pay the minimum child support ( that is all I went after him for). The court ordered him to pay 1/2 the college fees and out of pocket medical stuff.Im the 12 years we have been divorced he literally hasnt spent a dime on any of the kids ( cos I take all his money dont you know ). Ive paid for EVERYTHING literally, and my kids want for very little ( Im up to my ears in debt due to this too)

Am I being mean,vindictive and unreasonable to go forward with this or should I stop giving a damn and go after him for what he was ordered to pay ( This is also the man that swore to see me penniless and homeless and broken for divorcing him and tried to get me and the 3 kids thrown out our house,hes been nothing but evil and vindictive over the years and had no problem hurting the kids and denying then things if he thought it would hurt me ) I feel like Im stooping to his level with this one.

I should add that even after all this time Im still scared of him,hes very volatile. I want him to just go away,BUT Im pissed off that he still plays the martyr and Im the evil "cunt" for doing this to him,still bad mouthing me to the kids and anyone else that will listen

She can't file a motion without your agreement.

If you and he agree that support should be reduced then do that.

If you think he should pay more then take him to court.

I don't really understand your dilemma (sorry, I am quite tired).

You said that you’d like your ex to pay the sums ordered by the court, which seems perfectly reasonable to me, but you also say that you don’t want to seem vindictive. You need to remember that the judge made that order because it was the appropriate order to make.

As for your ex being likely to lose his home, how is that possible? When he retired he would have received a lump sum and monthly pension payments. Most people would have used the lump sum to pay off the mortgage. If your ex didn’t then that was his decision and not a reason for you to forgo the money due under the court order. I suspect that he spun this line to your son because he knew he wouldn’t have the financial knowledge to appreciate the size of the lump sum your ex would have received and in the expectation that your son would pass the information back to you and put pressure on you to forgo the sums due.

You also say that you’re scared of him. What exactly is he likely to do? Is he likely to cuss you off behind your back? I could live with that. Is he going to make abusive phone calls or send abusive emails? I wouldn’t take his calls and I would take abusive emails to the police. Is there a serious threat of violence?

If I were in your shoes I’d enforce the court order. Once the ex had paid all sums due I’d agree to a reduction in future payments.

Is he unemployed or retired? What do you mean by his unemployment has run out? Are you in America or the uk?

I should have added that if your sons are now at college then they are old enough to be told the truth about their father's failure to support them financially over the past 12 years and his breach of the court orders. I would sit them down and spell it out to them and show them the court paperwork. I would also explain how much debt you are in as a conseqence. At the moment your son seems to have some misplace sympathy for your ex.

GloriousGoosebumps Thank you,it sounds so simple and reasonable when you wrote that.

It has progressed and Im going to come out of this smelling like shit in my boys eyes. He called them to come visit him last night,showed them the court papers Id sent him etc.They are telling me Im unreasonable and nasty. I tried to explain but they dont seem to want to hear my side.

They have always felt bad for him,even though they didnt get on too well when they were young ( he bullied them something fierce ). I think its probably because hes spent the last 12 years telling them how poor he is cos I take all his money etc. He does have a MAJOR martyr complex. I on the other hand never told the kids about anything that went on.

coalscuttle Im in the USA,you only get 6 months unemployment here.