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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How much flirting is ok for your dp/dh?

21 replies

hellothere1202 · 15/08/2014 20:23

I had this thread in AIBU a while ago www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a2151473-To-think-this-is-way-beyond-harmless-flirting DH wrote it all off as being a joke at the time, I told him I thought it was going too far and I didn’t like him saying that and he said he wouldn’t again but it’s still bothering me.

To me harmless flirting is slightly teasing someone or something not asking for pictures of their tits, he’s working with her again now and it makes me uneasy that he’s said something like this to her but I don’t know if i’m being silly. I don’t have any reason to think he’s actually done anything and I do trust him I’m just still shocked a bit I guess

OP posts:
VanitasVanitatum · 15/08/2014 20:26

I would have been raging about that message!! I don't know what you can do though, he has to work with who he is told, and you say you trust him..

Does he now agree that he was inappropriate?

Original poster
hellothere1202 · 15/08/2014 20:42

He has but it was quite half hearted, said he'd never say it and actually mean it but that he knew she wouldn't take it seriously

OP posts:
firesidechat · 16/08/2014 08:36

Actual flirting, rather than merely being friendly?

None.

What your husband did was definitely flirting, inappropriate and a bit sleazy too.

butterflybuttons · 16/08/2014 08:50

Of course you are not being silly - he has behaved inappropriately and to hide his embarrassment and fury at you finding out he tries to minimise it and turn it into your fault.

If this is what you know about - what about the flirting you know nothing of?

And what if she had taken it seriously and sent him a photo - because one day someone will - and he will take it further? Will that be harmless too?

Quitelikely · 16/08/2014 08:54

If someone said that to me it would put me off my toast. Especially if they were in a relationship.

kaykayblue · 16/08/2014 09:00

He's lucky that she didn't make a sexual harassment complaint.

Insinuating that she should attach a picture of her boobs is blatantly inappropriate for a workplace.

ChangelingToday · 16/08/2014 09:05

Yes that's over the line flirting.

Original poster
hellothere1202 · 16/08/2014 12:05

Thanks it is reassuring that I'm not over-reacting

OP posts:
FabULouse · 16/08/2014 17:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
hellothere1202 · 17/08/2014 16:48

But would you really divorce your DH for this?

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 17/08/2014 16:52

No I would not divorce him but in all honesty if he carries on like that in the work place he might one day find someone has reported him to HR and secondly most women would think that comment gross not flirty.

IMO when someone is flirting they are doing it to see what response they get back. If they get flirtatious responses back constantly that is how affairs or relationships begin.

butterflybuttons · 17/08/2014 17:27

I think this could be the tip of the iceberg - and for that reason I would divorce him. He has no respect for you and your relationship - and he has shown he has no respect for colleagues and women in general. I couldn't be with someone who thinks females are just there to be his wank fodder.

coppertop · 17/08/2014 17:49

Would he still have considered it harmless flirting if another man had sent the same message to you?

I would say that his message was too much even if he'd been single. The fact that he's married makes it a thousand times worse.

Does he not realise that he's also putting his job at risk with this behaviour?

AnyFucker · 17/08/2014 17:52

I would not define that as flirting

If my h did that he would no longer be my h

areyoubeingserviced · 17/08/2014 20:11

He has to be careful . That could be deemed as sexual harassment

Original poster
hellothere1202 · 18/08/2014 22:28

I'm sure he wouldn't like it coppertop but he claims he'd be fine 'if it was the same sort of situation'

Also tried to get the sexual harassment thing through to him too, he said he can see that for other people but that he and her are friends and that she would never do something like that and he would never say it if she thought it would bother her. He seems to have an answer for everything

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/08/2014 22:32

These blokes always have "an answer for everything" but it is completely your choice whether you accept it or not.

Nicklt1988 · 18/08/2014 22:46

That kind of message crosses the line. And its really sleazy.

Harmless flirting is well...harmless I think a lot of people do it and it means nothing, think we do it without realising from time to time.

This goes way beyond harmless though, I think it does show a lack of respect to you to a degree, grounds or reason for divorce - yes and no depends how trusting you are of him or if he was just being a silly twat for a minute.

hashtagwhatever · 18/08/2014 22:51

That's not flirting that's being a sleaze

Finney2 · 18/08/2014 23:29

My H wouldn't say anything like that because he's married. If he did, I'd split up with him because a) I would consider that him talking to a woman about how he liked her breasts would be essentially him making an attempt to be unfaithful and b) that is such a sleazy line that if he came out with that, he wouldn't be the man for me.

What would he hav done if she had sent a pic? Would he have crossed a line then, in his opinion? Would he have told you? Would he bollocks.

Finney2 · 18/08/2014 23:31

And also, flirting isn't harmless if it causes harm, and this has. To you, his wife, which he should be sorry for but he's clearly not. X

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