Infidelity and more

[danderson0581]

I posted on here a while back but I will give you all the story and fill you in to the latest news. At the end of this post remember I'm not after sympathy or anything just plain advice on actually what to do and where i'm going wrong with everything.
6 months ago I had an affair for 2 weeks. It was the worse mistake I have ever made in my entire life. I still haven't really figured out why I did what I did yet people say I was just selfish and had an ego boost and that maybe so but tbh with you all I look at what I had and have lost and I cant understand my self why I did it. Since the affair came out which i admit i didn't own up to at the start but then I did our lives have spiraled out of control. Myself and DW literally didn't speak for 2 weeks. I stayed in the spare room. We kept things normalish for Our sons sake who is 6. A lot of tears from both of us no really shouting etc. DW felt numb and I felt ashamed, embarrassed, regret sorrow etc. I hurt my DW in the most horrific way. We have been together 9 years married 2. I have never once looked at another woman as she was my world. After the 2 weeks of us not talking DW came into the spare room where i was sleeping and just lay with me for about half an hour cuddling me. No words just hugged. I remember thinking that there is no way she has forgiven me yet this is too soon. I was doing all i could to show DW how sorry i was all passwords to my facebook emails ect where given to her. 2 days after that she asked me to join her back in her bed. We cuddled kissed and things started slowly getting back to relative normality. We tried for a few weeks and then everything starting hitting us again. I couldn't shift the weight of shame and guilt and found myself literally smothering DW with sorrow which wasn't good. She started getting distant hiding her phone away and then stopped speaking to me. I became paranoid that she had started speaking to someone else and why wouldn't she right!! I have crushed the poor girl so if someone else is going to make her feel good again then your gonna go for it. I didn't have that mind set at the time and DW kept convincing me that shes not speaking to anyone at all she just wants privacy. Then she became even more distant. No physical contact no kissing or anything. Things have now started to hit her. Well that's what i thought. A month later she asked me to leave as she couldn't do this any more she couldn't shift the images of me and this girl i had the affair with out of her head. I left and stayed and my friends. i was there 2 weeks and I needed to borrow her laptop to find somewhere to live. when i logged into the email she had left her email on and on there where pictures and meesages going back to about 6 weeks after my affair. Dw is 26 and had got herself involved with her married IT director who is 20 years older. I confronted her about this and asked her is this was why she became distant and then all hell broke loose. I thought we were trying to save our marrage and then this happens. I stupidly messaged him on FB saying what i thought of him as i firmly believe that the moment he found out of my affair he did all the i'll be your shoulder to cry on etc then told her what she wanted to hear. She has admiited that they kissed ect in his office and sent pics messages etc but not slept together. DW would never ever have got involved with a married man and personally with out sounding patronising DW was low in confidence, self esteem, and vulnerable. This person seen that and homed in on it. A few weeks later after i messaged him his wife seen the message and litterally has gone hell for leather at DW. The problem is DW blames me for everything and now her work knows what's gone on and she's having a bad time still even now because of this. And its my fault because it was my message this chaps wife had seen which blew all this in the open.

we have been split for 3 months and I lost my head over the last few months, I couldn't believe what i had done. Everything now is a knock on effect to my stupidity. all of it. All i want to do is build some sort of relations with DW. I'd love really love to sort things out and try again but if i'm honest she absolutely hates my guts and i understand. I've begged and pleaded for forgiveness and DW is not interested in her own words "i don't care any more" Even now we talk on the phone and she seems ok ish but when she sees me when i drop DS off its just sheer anger. This brings me to recent. Last wed I dropped DS off as normal, i try to have a little chat with her its just habit, how she is etc she was part of my life for 9 years and i still care and love her very much but i get short sharp answers back which is understandable. Here is what happened last wed and this will give you an idea of how the relationship is and i hope someone out there can give me advice on how to make it better. Bearing in mind our son was in bed when this conversation took place on the doorstep of her house.

Me "how have you been then"
DW "Doesn't matter how i've been does it?
Me "Well i'm still concerned and care for you that's why i ask"
Dw "You didn't care for me when you did what you did so why bother now"
Me "OK just asking"
I then mentioned that she had dyed her hair (it looked aweful but i didn't mention that bit)
Me "you've dyed your hair"
DW "yeah because i cant afford to keep it blonde any more so I've got no choice to do it my self"
I got my phone out and then started to transfer some money to her bank so she can get it done properly. I've been fair when it comes to money and reiterated that i'm not just giving her money for DS but i want to help her as well.
At this point she asked me what i was doing and i told her i'm putting some money in her account for her hair. What happened i didn't see. She flipped. Saying she doesn't want to rely on me etc and then came face to face with me and hit me round the face.
Then said "why all of a sudden over the last month have you decided to be nice and change"
I'm now at a loss on what to do. I love the girl dearly and i still can not shift the guilt and shame.
She says shes done with the relationship now and moving on with her life she's enjoying her self now out every weekend going on dates etc
It seems silly but i'm no where near ready to move on. I dont know how she feels about everything but what she tells me is bloody hurtful things like "i've done her a favour" "I was stupid to have even married you" "you never wanted to don anything with me and now i can do the stuff i want to do" "we should never have been together"
This is a far cry from someone that in her own words "loved me to the moon and back and gave me all of her"

like i said we have only been split for 3 months and i'd love to get onto some sort of friendship level soon.

I know i'm going to get battered on here btw but I know i've done wrong and i dont deserve her love. Doesn't mean I dont love her though and miss her like crazy

Thanks for reading

What a farking nightmare! You silly twonk! I dont think you will be friends for a long time yet. Yup the older man homed in on her I agree with you there. I think you have to support your child financially, maintain contact ....without whining.... And then cut all of the emotional ties..its over. Single mothers have to go without stuff its tough, her other option was to stay with you to get bills paid.....

Not sure why it hasnt kicked off yet...your post should be great for a friday night :-)

Sounds like an utter mess.

As the PP has said, pay the maintenance, maintain contact with your son and cut out everything else - she's not interested...

The best you can do is go away and work on yourself, perhaps try and do some soul searching to try and get to the bottom of what went wrong that made you look outside of the marriage - perhaps some counselling may help (it may also demonstrate to her that you're at least trying to work on yourself, but don't count on it meaning anything to her).

I also agree the other man homed in on her vulnerability - but slightly incredulous as to why she would do that, considering what you did to her - so all she has (jointly) succeeded in doing, is putting another woman through the hell you've (and OW) have put her through..

Really, you just need to take a step back and focus on your relationship with your son. Don't even try to make small talk with her when you collect/drop off - keep your conversations strictly about your only joint interest now, your DS. How has been at school today? What has he had for dinner? Etc

Good luck. Will take a fair while for things to settle down.

Don't blame yourself for the fallout of her actions. In the same way you've had to face up to the fallout of your affair, so her and the I'm need to face up to theirs.

The fact that you are being blamed for the consequences of her actions means she's not accepting her part. Nobody forced her to have an EA and most wronged people have enough self respect and dignity not to.

Unless she's accept responsibility for her part in this there's no hope. It doesn't sound very hopeful tbh so my advice is to deal with the practicalities and not hold out hope.

I actually feel really sorry for you. You are clearly full of regret and I really hope your wife gives you another chance.

And btw she's no better than you for going with the director. That part isn't your fault.

It's possible that your wife is enjoying seeing you squirm and so needy. Back off a little and she might then start to come around if she thinks you have given up.

Good luck

Yes, just back off. This is such a mess and she has to work through her overwhelming feelings of anger, rejection and betrayal. She may well put on a brave front so as not To show you her vulnerability.
In time, and that could be a long way down the line, you may be able to establish some sort if friendship but certainly not now.
Concentrate on the relationship with your son as he will be hurting and confused as well at the moment. Some couples can recover from an affair but the majority, even those which survive the affair, will generally face untold damage.
You may not be ready to meet anyone new yet but it is time to cut the ties and start your own healing so that you can start to move on with your life.

God, I have a headache just reading about this mess.

Look, you shagged someone else then she sought comfort in the arms of another man.

This 'relationship' is over. Move on.

Your poor son. That is all.

Yes, back off and leave her to it for a while, if you want to salvage anything from your marriage just give her time and you could be friends. As far as any relationship is concerned it sounds like it is over.
You said you don't know why you had the affair, for your own good you need to look at this in depth. You won't be able to move on until you have done this.
At least then you can tell your x the truth if she ever needs to know.
I feel sorry for you too and can see that despite having an affair you love your wife very much.
good luck to you.

Thanks all for the advice is much appreciated I know i relinquished all my rights as her carer lover etc when I did what I did. I know deep down this relationship is over and I'm coming to terms with it but what I can't come to terms with yet is what I did and although she is making her choices and some maybe wrong it's still all a knock on effect from my action.

FWIW I think you have been brave to post on MN and I am sorry you dont have someone to talk to in RL about this. Your ex may never stop blaming you, and for a long time your past relationshipcould be the source of her destrucive behaviour. This is why you have to go forward seeing this as a business arrangement. I am pleaed you havent been torn to bits on here.

You say that you didn't own up to the affair at first. Was it discovered or did you own up?

I think she may come round once she has punished you a bit.

Frames

OP - for what it's worth, I feel a bit sorry for you too. You fucked up royally and this is the carnage that's been left.

If you love and care for your wife as you say then you will back right off, and allow her all the space and time she wants. She's clearly still seething with anger at you and who can blame her really.

When someone is as angry as she, anything you can do or say will just make things worse. My advice is to keep your trap shut, pick your kids up when you are supposed to, forget all the small talk, just smile say hi and bye and leave it at that. The damage is done and there's nothing that can be done to undo it.

Maybe somewhere down the line the emotions will subside to the point where you can have civil conversations and make doorstep small talk, but it's not now and probably not for a while yet.

I agree with frames and am equally glad you haven't been hunted down though there's time yet. You sound very genuine. Sometimes we make an immense mess of life, eh? Time, peace and maybe some space will let emotions calm. Stop pushing, even subconsciously. Pushing only ever incurs a push back. Let go and do the best you can.

Funny how the same posts read differently to different people.
I don't think you sound loving and caring, but controlling and convinced you're right and suffocating. You messaged her BOSS? What an arseholian thing to do.

If my ex started transferring money to me to fix my hair, I'd tell him to fuck right off. Her pride and a lot else was seriously damaged. You think she didn't know her home dye job wasn't as good as before? So you pointed it out. Even if it was fab, it's not your business. But you knew it wasn't and made her feel shit about it waving cash. Ugh.

Personally, I think that whilst her affair was a big mistake got her, and morally reprehensible as he was married, I don't have a moral issue with regards to you. Forget divorce courts and the law, my view is you put your cock in another woman, you ended the marriage. She was a free woman.

Sometimes when YOU break things, you have to live with the consequences. You wrecked it. Move on.

Yeah I'm not really understanding the sympathy here.

If you loved her so much then you should have had an affair.

You are the one that fucked this up. You and you alone.

She is probably still dealing with a whirlwind of emotions, and the emotional affair with her boss was - whilst hugely ill thought through - part of her trying to deal with the damage. I agree with Cabrinha.

Stop trying to be the "Nice Guy" - just be civil.

Rather than just starting to transfer money into her account, maybe you could, you know, actually ASK HER, "I know this situation is of my own making - do you want me to transfer some extra money to your account?"

Obviously that second line should be "you shouldn't have had an affair!"

You had an affair, she found out.

She sought comfort with another man. You are probably right about him sniffing out her vulnerabilities. You were completely out of line telling his wife.

The relationship is done. Leave her be.

Sort out the financial side and contact with your son properly. All in writing.

Her hair is of no concern of yours.

And at 26, she is a woman, not a girl.

Yes, drop the Nice Guy act. Because I do have a feeling it's an act. It's just my gut feel, your OP just seems self serving. Oh I'm so nice because I'd give her money for her hair.
Fuck that. Better bad hair and no useless cheating husband, I say. It just leaves a bad taste, and I can't explain why my instinct and interpretation doesn't match that of some posters.

But you know, the advice is the same.

If you're a lying cheating scumshit - back the fuck off .

If you're a lovely guy who made a mistake - back the fuck off.

You just seem to come across like you think she SHOULD forgive you. Maybe that's what gets my heckles up. She had an affair when you were supposed to be working on your marriage. What exactly were you doing? Not a lot it sounds - being all wow is me by the sounds of it. Why should she have dealt with that shit? Sounds like the "work " was dling go her to accept that you were Nice Guy Who Made a Mistake. That's the thing really with cheats... You can give over whatever passwords you want, apologies etc. but sadly it's the innocent party who REALLY has to work (within themselves) on the marriage. Not fair, is it?

If YOU were working hard, you wouldn't have messaged her boss compromising where she has to bloody work! No, you'd have thought : this is what I did. I made my wife vulnerable (though she had a choice). This is my fault. But no, you were too busy mouthing off to OM to focus on the work of saving your marriage.

You should have said "now I understand even the smallest part of what I did to you, and I am sorry". Not got on flipping Facebook. That would have shown genuine remorse.

I'm not buying the nice guy stuff.

Back off mate. You fucked up and now you're gonna have to deal with it. Life is too short for regrets, so just move on and focus in being a good dad - nothing else. Contacting her boss btw - poor form.

I hope your doing ok mate

Think it's best you just leave her be, be there for your son but nothing more. She obviously has a lot of anger and frustration in her which is understandable but she also isn't innocent in this mess. Maybe get off Facebook for a bit so your not open for any messages, what's done is done, you just got to look out for you

Really hope you stay strong, pick yourself up and get out there.

Thanks all for the advice! Really appreciate it gave me lots to think about.