There's nothing I can do, is there?

[FushandChups]

STBXH (not soon enough though) is saying some pretty horrible things to our DC about me - I'm evil, I don't care about them and the like.

We share custody 50/50 and they spend alternate weeks with each of us and I worry that they will be exposed to this a lot

There is, however, nothing I can do is there? Once the children grow up a bit (currently 5 and 2) I guess they will learn that he talks crap and at the moment, they don't believe it but they are so confused, my eldest in particular!

No, there is nothing you can do, sorry. All you can do is not return the favour and grin and bear it. If you can, you might try and have a quiet word with him, not about what he's saying, but about how much it will be hurting your DCs. And it will.

Personally for me, I'd stop contact, he is messing with their heads, it's mental abuse and not on, lowest of the low, using his children to get to you.

I wouldn't let this go , he's emotionally abusing them and will continue to do so. I presume he was equally emotionally abusive to you when you were together ? They won't necessarily realize he talks crap , they'll do what they can to keep him happy and possibly will believe him. There's a good book called divorce poison that explains how to handle this. He doesn't get to do this to them just because he's dad.

I might have to look for the book as I don't know what to do about it. I don't think he was EA when we were together but he has sure turned into a royal shit since he left. He is just so angry with me still (it's been 19 months!) even though it was his decision to go.

I am scared to talk to him about this if I'm totally honest as it will somehow be my fault. But I will try because they don't deserve this

How do you know what he's saying? Is your 5 year old telling you?

I would do a few things. Email him your concerns, maybe suggest mediation to talk things through. Repeat if he doesn't respond. If it did ever get to the point that you wanted to take things to court you will need evidence that you have voiced and acted on concerns.

Talk to your children's school/ preschool/health visitor and ask for their advice and support too.

It's not contact jan it's the kids home for half their life

My DD has said a few things but I overheard him on the phone to her today as she came over to me and handed me back the phone as she didn't want to talk to him.

Sending him an email is a good idea as there is then a record but think it will probably send him off again. I just never thought he would do it - we agreed never to badmouth each other to the DC as it is just wrong. We've already been through mediation which is how we arrived at the current care arrangement.

I just want things to settle down - it is hard enough being away from my children without constantly worrying he's dripping poison in their ears.

And agree Soulsister - I can't just stop them going as it has taken a while for them to be comfortable with the arrangement and it's just more change for them. I just need to talk to him I guess.

Did you actually hear him saying that you were evil and didn't care for them when she handed you the phone? I think you really need advice asap. That's pretty emotionally abusive. Just trying to think who would be your best port of call though.

I think you should put your worries about "setting him off" to the back of your mind. He's already doing it. Try emailing him very specifically about what you heard him say. Tell him your dd was getting upset about the conversation and handed you the phone, and that you heard him say xyz. Suggest he needs to put his children first and that badmouthing each other will only upset and confuse them.

See what his response is and take it from there.

If your scared to talk to him because it's somehow your fault , that also stinks of emotional abuse.

Try calling or reading the advice sheets from Rights of Wkmen www.row.org.uk