What is my problem?

[nickrhodesismine]

Hi,

I'm just a mess; I know I am. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I got separated 4 years ago, after 20 years and with 2 DS 14 & 16. I had a relationship for 2.5 years with an amazing man. He absolutely adored me, he was kind, loving, sexy, hard working, loyal, honest, fantastic in bed - everything anyone could want. He lived about ten miles from me and didn't drive, so it was always me doing the to-ing and fro-ing. Towards the end, I changed job and got quite stressed with DS, so ended it because I just couldn't give him the time as I felt DS were losing out. He was upset but understanding. There was always a part of me that felt he wasn't strong enough for me though, can't put it into words really, maybe he was just too nice and too laid back.

Then I had a 10m relationship with a man who was his complete opposite. Rude, no idea how to behave in public, borderline aggressive in bed - which I really enjoyed and encouraged - didn't text me or call me as arranged and to be honest, during the last few months treated me really badly. He has MH issues and got quite weird towards the end, pushing me away and finally telling me he slept with someone else, although I don't believe he actually did. But I truly loved him, think I was partly to blame as I didn't know how to handle his MH issues. When things were good, they were amazing, I felt protected and I have never felt like that before.

When it was over, after a month or so, I ran back to the arms of man number 1. His kindness and love was a huge relief. He said he had waited for me, knew we should be together, and we have very quickly gone back to how we were.

Now, 2 months later, and for some reason I want to be with man number 2. There is no logic at all with this, apart from the fact he lives closer and drives. I just can't explain it. It makes no sense at all. I haven't seen him for ages and for all I know he could be with someone else. I just feel sick with the thought we're no longer together and desperately want to contact him, although with his track record he may not reply at all, let alone reply positively.

And I feel even worse for man number 1. I know I broke his heart, because he told me. To do it once was awful - how could I possibly contemplate doing it again?

And, God forbid, if by some remote possibility I get back with man number 2, just supposing in a few months time I want man number 1 again?

I just don't know what the matter with me is, why can't I just be happy with what I've got?

Thanks for bearing with me, sorry it was so long.

Neither man is suitable, try being single and getting to love yourself and your own company.

You don't deserve man one right now.

Stay away from both of them for now and work on figuring yourself out. Really. This isn't a cliché. You haven't been single that long. You don't have to go out with anybody.

Stop messing number one around. He could make a lovely bf for somebody who is less clueless.

I used to go out with a man who I thought was too nice, but actually, it wasn't his niceness that made me ambivalent. He just wasn't that great company. I got confused about that, especially as that guy believed very strongly in his own niceness, so it was like a major part of his identity... Being nice but there was a lack of quirky personality or something, a lack of opinions, passions, interests, chat..............

Niceness should be taken for granted, dykwim?

Man number 2 was abusive
You need to perhaps look at yourself and reasons why you are drawn to this situation

And not be with man number 1 as seems you could be amusing his kind nature ?

Therefore ... Neither .

When grass is greener on the other side , sort out your own grass

I think you need to work on your self respect tbh!

When you have it you'll have a couple of flings with someone like no.2 for a laugh and then commit genuinely to someone like no.1 and feel honoured.

You are all right, I am well aware I don't deserve number one. And I wish I didn't want man number two. What sort of a person actually wants to be with someone like that? It scares me, makes me cry and worries me a huge amount because there's obviously something wrong with me

Should I try to get in touch with number two?

You just want someone, anyone. Neither of the current ones fit the bill though.

Do yourself and the chaps a favour, steer clear of both.

You're not listening are you ?

Liking Man #2 doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. You say yourself that when things are good they are amazing. It sounds like an exciting and compelling experience when it's going well and the memory of the good times blots out the bad. A lot of abusive relationships start exactly like that. Man #1 sounds like he was a very pleasant safe pair of hands, but not exciting in the least.

In the 4 years since your separation you've only been 'single' for 8 months. I'd suggest you forget both men for a while, boost your confidence, get to know yourself and then be in a better position to judge if you really want to waste your time on a head-fuck.

Question... why did your marriage end?

I'd be interested in your history OP if you would like to share. These are two very different men. One treats you badly which you enjoy. One treats you kindly which you are not content with.

I do agree it sounds as though you aren't ready for a relationship. It almost comes across to me as though you feel number one is too good for you and number two is what you deserve. Why is that.

My history is quite straightforward really. Usual family background, parents very happy together and a brother. Couple of close friends but not a wide circle. Very hard working, long career for the same company. Horrendous guilt complex about absolutely everything, always apologising to DS from everything to the weather to what's for tea. Feel constantly that I've done the wrong thing or made the wrong choice and chock full of regrets.

Marriage ended because he had started to show signs of violence towards us all, but long before that happened he lost interest in me and, although a decent man, he wasn't a good husband or father. Heart in the right place but just couldn't follow through. Ashamed to say I had several affairs throughout the marriage, one lasting four years. Not found out, but I decided enoughwas enough.

Not very pretty, is it

It's significant that your marriage was an abusive relationship. It's also significant that you resorted to affairs. I'm not going to moralise about the affairs but, psychologically, that makes you someone who will take a risk in pursuit of affection. I can't work out if the guilt complex is a result of the abuse, the affairs, fundamental insecurity or a bit of everything but it's clear that your self-esteem is very low. It is very understandable, in that context, why Man #2 is attractive to you. He will represent familiarity (exH), he is a risky prospect and your low self-esteem, as a PP observed above, will be telling you that you deserve the punishment. Man #1 might not be right for you either but you seem reluctant to be on your own.

I didn't feel guilty about the affairs because of my exH, but I felt very guilty because they meant time spent away from DS. This guilt led to me finishing things with #1 - it was time spent away from my children. Now feel terrible with both going to Uni and worried about being alone. Also exH still on the scene. Nothing between us, and never ever will be, but he has been on his own and seems to not want another relationship, so spends time with us as a family whenever he can. So yet more guilt - someone else who I've done wrong by, by not trying harder.

I think at some point you have to live life for you rather than other people. Drop the exH, for example. You need friends and a social life, not more dependents.

I think you should try being single for a while. You may surprise yourself.