I only want to do what's best for my family!

[confusedhusband]

Sorry for the long post!

We've been married slightly over 10 years years and have three beautiful children under the age of 10.

Due to some changes a few years ago job opportunities for me changed dramatically. After lengthy discussions with my OH we decided I would take a job abroad as there was nothing in the UK. Because of the location it wasn't really an option for us to move out as a family and we didn't want to disrupt the children's education or my OH to give up her job. I could make good money and get back regularly. It was hard but was the only option at the time other than having a major lifestyle change. We contacted each other every day. Skype became our main means of communication and I was still able to be involved with homework and listening to the children read. In addition I sent gifts and flowers, brought gifts back every time I came home tried to spend as much quality time as I could with them. The money meant we cleared everything we owed apart from the mortgage. It wasn't easy for anyone but we had the support of friends and family back home.

I then had a year off looking after family, doing school runs, etc, covering all costs with the money we'd saved while I was working abroad and so giving something back to my OH who had had a difficult time with me not being there. She was, however distant and didn't really want to do anything as a couple or spend any quality time together. I felt she was pushing me away. I put this down to readjusting to being back together full time.

During the year off I applied for over 50 jobs and got nowhere. I was either over qualified for the roles were already sorted before the advert went out. Then a role came up abroad again. I didn't want to take it but, as I couldn't find anything else, we decided that there was no option and that it would be easier to find something else if already employed. The location also meant we could see each other much more regularly and the family could visit. Again, we agreed that, as it was only for a year, we didn't want to disrupt the family by moving everyone to another country. Personally I think we could have all benefited from a much better quality of life and the time could have been right in terms of the children's education.

I'm not perfect. I'm not the best communicator in our relationship but I love my wife and children very much. Everything I have ever done has been for them. Contrary to what my OH might believe, I do not enjoy working away - I would much rather be with her and my children. She has said I am a good provider but a rubbish husband - I can't win. I had no choice but to work abroad. She didn't want to downsize or move the family abroad. What was I supposed to do? For the year off I tried to find something without putting any additional burden on her - she works part time. I didn't ask for any extra financial contributions. She was having problems with her job and provided as much support as I could. This year she would not take a year out to join me, although she has visited. It has not been easy for anyone but I firmly believe in my wedding vows.

I have, however, now discovered that my OH is having an affair. It appears to have started when I went abroad again to work (which might explain why she was so keen for me to go) and seems to have got much more serious recently. He is a friend from way back that got back in touch a little over a year ago. His marriage ended after an affair and he's had several relationships since and is currently in one. She's also been spending time with him with our kids and his OH so that they are getting to know him when I'm not there. Apparently he's prepared to take our kids on! At the moment she's distancing herself from me and meaningful communication has all but stopped.

I really don't know what to do. I have the opportunity of extending my contract where I am and am still applying for things in the UK but getting nowhere. I'm trying to do what is best for my family but she doesn't seem to accept (or want) that.

It doesn't sound like abandonment it a joint decision and she wasn't prepared to make lifestyle changes.

If this was the reverse, and a man had an affair while his wife worked away, he would be called a cock lodger and an entitled cheating bastard.

I'm sorry this has happened to you op. I would also be looking a taking a lower paid job and being near the children. That's what will be best for your family, for your children to have a good relationship with you. It sounds like they are going to need you.

I really wouldn't feel any guilt about looking at those emails. You've a right to know what's going on in your marriage , and you've every right to protect your children , your finances , and yourself. Dump the guilt. Unfortunately your wife will now spout all sorts of guff to justify , and prolong her affair. You'll likely not recognise her at the moment.

I would get some support of your parents and I'd seriously consider informing the om partner. Your wife probably thinks there's potential for a full relationship with om and if you allow it she will sit around navel gazing about who to choose. In reality the om likely won't want a full relationship with her and will probably disappear once he's got you and his partner breathing down his neck. He's in it for the obvious exciting moments , not bathing your kids and mowing your grass.

The sooner he's off the scene the better. The sooner your wife realizes that he's only interested in the obvious , the better. You don't want him moving into your house , and you don't want him walking off with half your pension , and you definitely don't want him being step dad to your kids while you only see them a few hours on Saturday.

Strong decisive action is required here. Your wife is not in charge here regardless of what she thinks , and in a way she will be watching you and testing you . Lack of action on your part will probably be perceived as you not caring , and worse , being afraid to confront om. Ignore any rubbish about your to blame , your not responsible for someone else's actions.

I'm sorry this has happened to you op.

Just out of interest, have you posted about her before? Some elements of 'my female partner is cheating on me and completely taking the piss and wee have adult DC' seem familiar.

Thanks for all of your comments. I really appreciate them and they are helping a lot at the moment.

weatherall - I agree there are two sides to every story. However, whatever the situation I am not the one who is having the affair. I made some vows and have kept them even when it would have been easy not to. In fact it's a bit of a standing joke with those I work with that all I talk about is my wife and children back at home and don't "have fun" like the rest. I am working abroad because that is what we agreed together. While we can debate that the fact remains she is married to me and is having an affair.

PlumpPartridge - I have never posted before and don't have an adult DC.

Thanks again for all of your comments.

Things have been interesting today. It's almost as if the conversation didn't take place.

However, I have [again :(] intercepted some communication and there is some panic between the two of them in the background. Apparently the OM's partner has been asking questions and the thought was she might have contacted me. Also, my OH's parents have apparently "had a go" about her spending time with this person when I have been working. They are also very unsure about how I seem to know so much when they thought they'd been really careful (even removing items of clothing from our house before I came home!).

There's a family event tomorrow so I'm going to keep quiet, but after that I think it's time to burst that bubble and ask her to leave. I tried the calm, let's try and sort this out together without broadcasting it and attending counselling approach and the lies and deceit have just continued.

I am trying to get some extra time back at home so that will give me three weeks to try and get something sorted. My appointment with the solicitor is on Thursday so we'll see what happens. I am currently at the point where I am going to speak with the OM's partner, my parents and her parents. I want no miscommunication and it seems everyone but me has noticed anyway. I spoke to a family member who immediately knew what I was coming to talk about and even asked if it was OM!

I think it is going to be a difficult few weeks but my children come first.

I've still got my fingers crossed for the couple of applications I have in for jobs in the UK. If I could get one of those, it would ensure security and me being close to my children and would well and truly burst the bubble as I won't be "out of the way" for another year!

Op I'm glad your getting some support. It's horrible.

That flurry of emails after your conversation would annoy me so much that I would contact the OM's partner today and tell her.

It sounds like your wife has been living in a fantasy bubble. It's time to burst it amd let her face the reality of the situation she has brought about.

I am with Sonja I am afraid

What an awful situation for you. Good luck for UK based jobs as your children will need you close by. I understand why you want to speak to everyone; she has conveniently written you out of the script while she has her fling.

Yes time to be ruthless (not nasty) but let her know her days of having fun while you work away are over. Prepare to be vilified though, people never do like the one who stops the fun do they?

Personally I would tell her it's over, you're seeing a solicitor and she must now make alternative living arrangements although I would be loathe to disrupt dc, that's always the hard thing about these situations. Then I would not speak to her again at all, let her sweat.

I am not sure if I would tell the OM DP but I would certainly understand if you decided to do so, would certainly bring reality crashing in for all parties concerned.

Finally if you harbour any hope at all of getting her back then you must not beg or plead or show anything at all really, that may shock her into realising what she stands to lose, maybe not right now but certainly in the future.

Speak to a solicitor.

I wouldn't think your situation regarding the DCs is great if you work overseas. No one is going to give you 50:50 care, how can they?

Look at what would happen if you went on to job seeker's allowance or became the stay at home DF? Would you have to downsize home? Can you both afford 2 homes? What maintenance would you have to pay or would she have to pay you?

Doing the best for your DCs might mean either of the two options above.

You seem to be determined to behave 'honourably' but still expect a good outcome.

Your DW will be assuming she will remain the main carer of the DCs with occasional visits from the OM's DCs, a nice large house to accommodate this and large whack of maintenance from you. With you popping up now and again to give her a break from childcare. I would definitely burst this bubble.

Say you have missed enough of the DCs childhood and want to look after them now.

Don't think you can make your DW do what you believe is best for everyone, you can't, she will do what she wants. Look after yourself.

My dh works away. It's kind of ruined our relationship, yet he comes home at weekends. We agreed it initially through lack of choice, but years later I feel lonely and abandoned. I am clinging on to the hope he comes home soon in the next couple of years. I echo what runsoutofnamesagain said. I feel different choices could be made as long as the relationship is the priority and not money. My dh says the same about doing it all for us, which although true, is now like a stuck record, which won't change despite our once lovely relationship crumbling. I hope I would we would never have affairs but I can see how someone could be vulnerable to it. I am sorry this has happened- it's totally crap when you've tried your best. I hope you both can get stuck in to fixing it or let go amicably.

My DH worked away, I joined him some of the time once DCs grown up. Yes, I had lots of boring/ lonely weekends. But we can afford to give adult DCs their mortgage deposits and look forward to a comfy retirement. Many people work away or antisocial shifts nowadays.

What a shitty situation.

Your W is trying to shovel the blame onto you as she is a selfish cheater.

Spend time with a solicitor and see what your rights are. I think you will have to give up working abroad to be there for your DC.

Get an STI test. You don't know when this started or if she has risked your sexusl health.

I would tell his P. She already has suspicions and has a right to know she is not 'going crazy' and he is risking her sexual health shagging around.

Just spoken to solicitor. As expected she will get the kids, probably the house, maintenance and 60% of our assets. If she moves him in, even when I am still living there (but away) the worst I could do is charge him rent!

....and she's the one who's committed (and is still committing) adultery!

As you can probably tell it's not been a good day! ??

....and apparently that's even if I come home and stop working overseas!

Just overheard OH telling her parents that I am being awful to her and aggressive. That's an out and out lie. This is starting to get even more silly.

On the face of it 'D'W didn't value your marriage as much as you did but affairs don't happen in a vacuum, they usually happen because one person in the marriage no longer gets what s/he wants out of it. Now she's definitely got your attention and her parents are asking awkward questions not to mention her boyfriend's partner, it could yet happen that she has second thoughts.

A poster upthread referred to the Pick Me dance, in case you wondered pick me dance

Keep your dignity, you may be financially disadvantaged, but something worthwhile came out of your time together, those three children.

Oh x post.

Don't allow her to press your buttons in any way, don't respond. Some people like drama so will believe what she says. If it's any consolation if they know you well enough they should see that it's untrue and she's floundering if she resorts to this now.

Jeesh, I didn't know the wife could get so much. Why 60% of assets if she already gets the house!

I'd shop around for a solicitor. I was under the impression fifty per cent is the starting point.

It might be worth getting a second opinion on the legal side.

Try posting your situation on the legal boards, there are some very knowledgeable types over there.

Did you explore with the lawyer all of your possible options; getting a low paying job here, selling the house etc. It's worth knowing all your options even the ones you don't think you will take up.

All you can do is keep acting with dignity and focus on the best possible outcome for you and your DCs.

Oh yes indeed - she'll be playing the victim card to get people on her side.
Don't rise to it.
Stay dignified.
And absolutely agree. Get a 2nd opion from another solicitor.
There is a legal board on MN you can post there for some advice as well.
I'm sorry she's being so vile. Smile sweetly and stay very passive!

I still haven't said anything to my parents or hers. I just can't do it, even though I know what she is saying about me. It will blow the kids lives apart.
I will try and get a 2nd legal opinion although I am now running out of time before I need to go out of the country again.

I'll also post on the legal board forum.

Thanks for your continued support. It is really appreciated as my mind is all over the place at the moment.

Her dad has just picked up the kids and was a bit strange with me. I guess the undermining is beginning to work. I just wanted to turn around and say "I am assuming she also mentioned that this is all because she is having an affair and is laying the ground to lay all the blame on me and fell better in herself"!