Help with MIL, FIL & SIL

[HayleySJ]

I'm really at a lost what to do and am starting to feel more depressed everyday, please can anyone give some advice!

I always knew my MIL & FIL would be keen grandparents, however, I never thought it would become such a mess.

To make a long story short, I was fine about going to visit my MIL & FIL or them coming to us when my DD was born, and sometimes I would pop into my MIL place of work with my DD, however, it didn't take long before passing the baby round like pass the parcel to people I didn't even know and not listening to a word myself or DP said become very frustrating. My DP would have a word with my MIL and he would be happy it was all sorted, however, the very next visit she would do as she liked (Now don't get me wrong she is a nice lady, I don't really have anything in common, but we did get on). My DP would make a comment or say please can you not pass our DD round as she will not sleep well and be grumpy tomorrow, to which my MIL would reply, she didn't care!
Upon going into my MIL place of work my MIL would run at me and snatch my DD from me and run off without even a hello!

Now my DD is a little older my FIL comes right up to her face and for some reason shouts at her, as if she is hard of hearing, which she is not. This is not helped by the fact that my DD is 12 months old and is currently going through stranger anxiety, which does not mean strangers, it can happen with people she sees on an everyday basis, however, my MIL, FIL & SIL have suggested that I do not socialise her enough and that they don't she her as much as they should.

All the above has made me very reluctant to visit or allow any visits to us and I've started to step back from the family which is really causing problems with my DP. Now my SIL is being funny and is taking everything very personally, however, today she crossed the line. I never post any photos on facebook of my DD, I just don't like it, however, she changed her profile photo to one of her and my DD. She only sees her once every few months and didn't even bother to visit for the first 4 months of her life!! MY DP sees his parents a lot and just gets it in the ear ever time.

My DP is trying to brush everything under the carpet and keeps saying that nothing is wrong and am just being funny.

Am starting to feel depressed by it all and am not sure how to go forward. Am so angry as am finding it being a first time Mum let alone deal with the above.

Please can anyone help, as the only way forward I can see is to leave my DP.

Have you made it clear to DP that if he doesn't back you, you will leave him? He needs to be aware that upsetting you is going to cause him far more grief than upsetting mummy.

Ignore the facebook stuff, it is petty and silly.

So what if DP gets it in the ear. It's his family, let him take the heat. Keep your boundaries, don't visit MIL at work, don't see them unless you want to.

FIL shouting at baby is reason enough not to let them see her.

Failing any positive response, can you move away?

1. Stop taking your baby to MIL's work
2. Your reaction of "the only forward I can see is to leave my DP" seems massively over the top.
3. You being reluctant to allow any visits is over the top.

Your problem is in your relationship with your DP and your communication with him.

The things your PIL are doing are mildly annoying but you are hugely over-reacting to them in private, whilst, I suspect, doing very little about them when they actually happen.

When FIL gets in her face, immediately say "please don't do that, she doesn't like it". Repeat this every time he does it.

Do the same everytime they do something you don't like.

Have you told your SIL that you would like her to take the photo of your dd down as you don't post pictures of her on facebook? Again, I think you are over-reacting to this.

Why can't your DP just take dd with him when he goes to see his parents if you are reluctant to see them?

I think you sound like you could be a little depressed - I think it would be worth talking to your GP about all of this.

Yep. Learn to grow a pair and stand up to them politely. They will immediately get the message. I know you have the pair inside you!!

My Ex Outlaws would not have/did not responded at all well to polite rebuffs such as PP have described. Saying "don't do that please" would simply result in a sneer and them doing more of whatever it was they were doing.

Have you tried standing up to them politely OP?

I think PP is right and I'm a little depressed as stated in my OP, however, this only started because of the stressed caused by PILs. I'm going to go and see the GP.

Hamptoncourt we have tried standing up to them, however, it just goes over the top of their heads.

Oh come on, the woman is only wanting to show her GD to her work friends. What on earth is wrong with that? And your FiL talks to loud? Really. Maybe he is hard of hearing.

IMO you are being ott. Realise that if your relationship ends your dp and his parents can spend time together anyway.

It's your child so you have control but its their grand child. They have not posed a risk. You are being controlling IMO.

Nobody would get the opportunity to shout right in my 1 year old daughters face twice, or to "snatch her off me" . Family or not.

The thing with some people is that you have to keep on standing up to them. I think maybe you were hoping you'd do it once or twice, they'd realise the error of their ways, and they'd change?

Some people do, if it's just that they hadn't realised how they were coming across.

But if it's just the way they are, or they don't much care that it upsets you, then they aren't going to just change.

So, you have to do the work, set the boundaries, challenge them. Over and over. This is easier if your DP is prepared to agree that they are being unreasonable and help back you up when it happens.

I don't think you're being 'funny' about not wanting someone to snatch your baby from you and hand it around a bunch of strangers, or to shout in her face then act like it's your fault she doesn't like it.

But I think you have to be the one to change it, by changing how you respond - you walk over calmly and take her back, step back from FIl when he shoves his face too close. Say "You know she doesn't like that. Talk to her properly"

I have been in similar situations with my pil. When DS was a newborn we were at their house & mil said to me 'I'm just taking him to the neighbours to show him off, won't be long!'. Without even asking she whisked him out and away! DS is EBF and was feeding constantly at that age after a very difficult start so I just felt sheer panic when she didn't return for 40 mins & I could hear here stood outside in their garden with him freezing in just a vest!

There have been many other instances since then which I won't go into but I have decided it's time to stand up to them & put my foot down. I would reccomend you do the same. Some people just seem to go crazy when they become grandparents & think they own the baby. They need some ground rules setting and to be reminded that it's your baby not theirs. Good luck OP.

DP is trying to do a juggling act and keep everyone happy. You were open to contact initially but your in-laws kept pushing boundaries. You're not being over-protective to object to FIL shouting in your DD's face or MIL treating her like a doll to show off.

I'd be borderline depressed too if my PILs ignored polite requests to ease up and DP adopted ostrich tactics if the subject's raised.

But here's where you change tack. Stand up to the parents and ignore the SIL. If DP takes DD to see them they might tone their actions down. Does he tell you he gets "it" in the ear every time. What about? You? You with DD?

Socialisation is important - any grain of truth in what DP's family are saying?

Maybe he is hard of hearing. OP didn't say he's deaf.
If FIL talks at normal volume to everyone else why would he bellow at DD?

Don't panic and think that his parents are worth dropping DP for. Keep posting.

she changed her profile photo to one of her and my DD you can report her to facebook, make it clear that she's putting up pics of your dd without your permission. it will serve her right when they take it down.

What your PIL have done is UNFORGIVABLE. The only solution is for you to LTB now with or without your DD and report the lot of them to the social services. You deserve better.

Also, clearly your SIL deserves to be on the sex offenders register. Any proud aunt posting a picture of herself with her niece needs to be outed for the depraved fiend she clearly is. Do not put up with this.

Placid that's a bit out of order. This isn't AIBU.

OP does your SIL know that you don't out pics of DD on Facebook, and the reasons why?

To be honest, I think you maybe being a bit oversensitive and your DH is caught in the middle.

I suggest you see the doc, stop taking DD to MIL's work and repeat your objections every time MIL takes DD without asking you first or FIL speaks too loudly in her face.

Have confidence in your parenting skills.

Fair enough TheHouse. But I do think we are in danger of overreacting here. A grandma who wants to show her GD off to her work colleagues. A grandfather who probably isn't used to babies
A SIL who is clearly proud of her niece. Not exactly the end of the world is it?