DH lack of involvement or interest in our family

[kinkymouse]

I'm not sure if this is normal with his "busy" life or simply that he doesn't care enough.

He is very emotionally lazy and doesn't remember birthdays or anniversaries, he will make a fuss when reminded and can be very generous. However, lately his behaviour just feels horrible thoughtless. Two instances recently, firstly I had to go for a chest X-ray 6 weeks ago, my db died last year from lung cancer so I was extremely stressed having to go through this and dreading the results. DH knew I was going and we talked the evening before how worried I was. He didn't ask how it went as I went alone, a few days later I ventured I was worried as I was getting the results that day he asked "for what?" Again I said the chest X-ray. He is yet to ask what the results were.

He is the same with our DCs he has no interest in their education. Yesterday he texted dd1 to ask how she had done in her exams. She is taking gcse and her results come out next week . I assumed he had listened to some radio on commute to work and heard exams mentioned and put two and two together. Actually dd was quite upset that he didn't know when her results were, she has worked really hard for them.

We do talk around him and at meal times etc but it feels like he filters our lives out.

It's nothing huge he does just a constant apathy for us that's really getting me down.

Yup, it would get me down too. Haven't really got any advice but just wanted you to know I sympathise.

Hopefully someone with something useful to say will be along in a minute.

Thanks yvy I'm quite an easygoing person and can brush a lot of but it's quite draining at times.

Feeling the same at the moment.
Dh is very caught up in himself.
I told him last night he was taking us for granted.
He got in a sulk and went to the spare room.

Not sure what the solution is !!

I would be very hurt too with this lack of disinterest. Especially going through something medical, he should be extremely concerned. I had the flu about two weeks ago and DH insisted on taking a day off to take care of me. You DH doesn't need to do that but at least be instinctively concerned about your health.

Have you spoken to him about this. Has he been this way always or is something going on with him?

Is he like this at home only? does he remember important dates etc to do with work?

My DH is exactly the same - but in fairness he just has a crap memory and has to be reminded constantly of all important events/dates. E.g. he's going an a lads weekend away for his mates 50th and I have to keep reminding him of the date. No on-one on either side of teh family would get a birthday card if it was up to him to remember the date!!

I have 2 teenage DS's - not very nice but we 3 just kind of give each other a knowing look whenever their dad says something ridiculous that he's forgotten the details of.

My youngest will get GCSE results next week too, but DH wouldn't know unless we reminded him, and we will have to do so again on Thursday morning - the kids see his forgetfulness as comedic but it does piss me off at times, but after 23 yrs he ain't gonna change so I just lower my expectations.

So hurtful, and for me a complete deal breaker, you must feel so alone, it's awful, a chest x ray which could have been really bad news and he doesn't even ask, if he aint got your back OP, what's the point.

I'd actually be red with resentment and anger towards him and would probably say, why don't you just fuck off.

yougotafriend he has excellent recall at work he manages a large team and deals with a huge number of clients. He is always rewarded by companies for his attention and care with contracts. Which makes his disinterest with us even worse.

I have spoke to him recently about how it makes me feel. He has nodded apologised and them carries on as normal. I wondered if I was too needy in wanting him to show an interest in our lives. I don't actually think I am but I don't know how to change him.

I have started just not telling him important things as it doesn't feel as hurtful when he can't forget if you see what I mean. However I realise this is a slippery slope to big communication issues which makes for a very crap marriage.

I honestly just don't know how to make him see how hurtful his

My mum said she knew the marriage was over when she accepted she could change what she was unhappy with and stopped trying

As you said, a very slippery slope.

Assuming that, if you have a DC doing GCSEs, you've been together quite a long time then basing your future plans on hopes that he's going to change attitude voluntarily would be foolish. If he's never been someone who shows appreciation to you, it's not going to start now. If he doesn't care how you feel, he has no motivation to behave any differently. Clearly the companies that reward him have found the way to incentivise him.

Sadly... and you probably won't do this.... the only way to get through to someone who takes you for granted and doesn't take you seriously is to threaten something that would make their life appreciably worse. e.g. separation. Otherwise, they will apologise, wait for the dust to settle, dismiss it as something and nothing & carry on as normal

cogito yes together 20 years, he has never been great at thoughtfulness but I'm guessing as I took up the slack with family and children it has become a lazy habit but he doesn't have any urge to change. I know it's sometimes easy to get self involved when you're busy but aren't all our lives full of stuff? I have my own business so also have a brain full of stuff but I still prioritise appropriately.

I think I have tolerated it as it was just me that it affected but it really upset dd that she was not on his radar with such an important life event.

Sometimes you can get so conditioned to tolerating crappy treatment that only seeing the same thing done to someone you care about reminds you that it's wrong. Truth is that you should care about yourself as much as you do your DCs. Consistent standards.

I think you need to talk to him and make it clear that it's not enough to apologise. If he is capable of managing complex tasks in a business setting, ask him what would happen if he let down a client and thought a quick 'sorry' would be enough? Process of change has to be 'recognise weakness'.... 'make a plan to correct weakness'..... 'action the plan'.... 'feedback loop to check continued action'.... Your job is not to manage this but to provide the (dire) consequences for failure.

Thanks, your right cogito seeing DD upset raised big questions regarding DH's attitude towards me and to the DCs as it does seem to be getting worse.

I will talk to him tonight, we have a night alone, my worry is that he actually doesn't see it as a problem, therefore there is nothing to fix.

Sadly, if he doesn't see there's a problem and believes there is nothing to fix then the only variable you can change is yourself. The choices become broadly 'tolerate the status quo' or 'reject completely'. There's very little middle ground.

Wise words cogito
Hope ye have a productive chat tonight.

Hi kinkymouse you are not alone.My DH never wished our DD good luck with her A s levels on thursday ( she did quite badly).Several mothers days i have gone to work quite close to tears as no cards or prezzies were given and then when i pointed this out i get a begruding card on my return home..this is the same Every birthday.
Im sorry to hear you have no support when you are having important tests.Also im sorry about your loss of your DB.
This week we learnt my darling Dads incurable cancer is back.No im sorry to hear that or hug its aggressive and unpredictable as advanced cancer is.
How were your xrays ?I hope they were clear.
I dread to think how my DH will be when my parents pass away as they both have stage 4 cancer.
Married life can be quite a lonely thing !! Good luck with the chat :)

Have you considered he may have aspergers?
My dsis and I are convinced my dad has as he is exactly like this. He is very concerned about us, loving towards us and he would hate for us to be unhappy. But he just finds it very very difficult to empathise with anyone else, to remember things of importance to others or to take time out to consider the impact of his behaviour on others.

Examples: he has forgotten my birthday on at least three occasions, regularly forgot my mum's. Never celebrated their anniversary because he could never remember it. Can't remember my dd's birthday.

Has forgotten things like the fact I was about to exchange on a house and that I was planning a big trip around the world -- stuff that you would think someone would be hard pressed not to remember.

When called on it he is always crestfallen, so I don't think its selfishness exactly, I think there are some people who just have the empathy chip missing. He's never been diagnosed with aspergers but there are other symptoms and I'm convinced there's a reason why he behaves like this.

But it is shit to be on the receiving end....

Someone capable of coordinating and managing complex work tasks that involves dealing with clients in the front end, personal manner as described is perfectly capable of adding a note to their smartphone or whatever which says 'birthday' or 'taking exams' and a reminder a few days earlier to buy a gift or whatever is appropriate. I think it's too easy to take carelessness, thoughtlessness and antisocial behaviour and try to rationalise it with a medical tag

I just thought do men not think of birthdays etc as such a big deal as women ? we agreed when money was tight just to do a nice card and box of chocs for the kids to give the other parent,now we have more money than ever weve ever had but the much longed for treats or consideration isnt there.Even a card before work would beat a prezzie from the supermarket on the way home !