Hi,
My story is a long one and I have never told anyone my entire story (not even my gorgeous husband) because it's too much for any one person to handle. I just feel the need to at least tell someone even though you are all strangers to me.
My story begins when I was 4. I was sexually abused by my grandfather and I suspect my grandmother was aware of it but did nothing. They lived a long way from us but my sister and I were sent to stay with them in every school holiday period for several years. I didn't ever tell anyone because he threatened me and at that age, you believe what you're told :(
My childhood was not happy. My parents were both alcoholics and my father was violent (with both my mother and me). He was a shift worker and when he left for work, my mother would also leave for God knows where. I can remember being around 5 and trying to work out how to heat up a bottle for my 1 year old sister. We were constantly left alone at night from a very young age.
My mother left my father when I was 8 and immediately moved in with another man (a truck driver). I now know she was having an affair with him while she was with my father. Straight away, the sexual abuse from him started. My mother knew of this and when I was about 10, she started sending me on his road trips so he wasn't lonely and then one day she moved out (with my sister) and left me to live with him.
I fell pregnant to him and gave birth when I was 14. My mother forced me to marry him (signed special papers) when I was 15 (he was 42!!!!). I had another 2 beautiful children to him and developed Stockholm Syndrome along the way in order for me to cope. At that time, to try and hide the truth from people, I added another 5 years to my age whenever questioned.
I decided at that time that my children would never, ever have to know what had happened to me and that I would never reveal the secret to them. I never wanted them to feel anything but loved and cherished.
Fast forward a few years, my children were adults and still knew nothing. I eventually found the courage to leave him when I was 32. I tried really hard to maintain a relationship with my mother despite everything she had done. I realised that she was in fact, a toxic woman who had told her entire family (in order to explain how I was pregnant and married to this man) that I had 'stolen' him from her. The worst part about that? They believed her! What 10 year old 'steals' a man? :(
Eventually I told my mother what my grandfather had done to me. I guess I wanted someone to be accountable. She accused me of lying and said that I belonged in a psychiatric hospital (even though another grand-daughter said the same thing happened to her).
Eventually another family member inadvertently told my daughter the truth about her father and me. What was to follow remains one of the most heart breaking periods in my life as I watched my children struggle with the terrible truth. There was lots of anger, lots of tears, feelings of betrayal and so much more. I still carry those scars.
I decided to not involve the police (although my ex-husband threatened my life several times) as that would only add more pain to my children's lives. At the end of the day, he is their father and while I desperately wish they had a better dad, I can't change that fact.
I'm not sure why I'm typing all of this out to strangers really. I guess I just need to be heard. That's all. If anything comes out of reading this, can I just say the following:
Please never assume that because someone had a baby at 14 that they must be a slut. The number of times that people call me a 'naughty little girl' with a wink is horrible. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Never push someone to reconcile with their family. There may be a whole lot more to the story. 'But she's your mother!' doesn't cut it. I have heard this so many times by well meaning people that don't have a clue about the situation.
Please don't push people to talk about their past if they don't want to. Sometimes, as much as they themselves are hurting as a human being, they are trying to protect others from being hurt.
When you suspect a child is being hurt in some way, please, please, please step in. I had no-one that did that for me and I wish someone would have stood up for me.
And lastly but certainly not least, never give up hope, no matter what situation you find yourself in, that there's nothing better coming for you. I am now married to the most wonderful, amazing man and my life is a million times better than I could ever have imagined. My children are amazing human beings despite their history and I have been blessed.
Thanks for listening. This feels incredible to have some (albeit a small part) of my story 'out'.