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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

dd seeing exp partner when exp not there

25 replies

chasegirl · 14/08/2014 22:14

dd is 6 yrs old. Her dad (my exp) has gone on a walking holiday for 2 weeks (with a male friend). his new partner (ow-but we have been separated for 16months now) is still at home. dd wants to know if she still gets to see ow/exp partner while he is away. I said no-her time at their house is to see her Dad. Dd has sulked a little bit. Am I right? They get married soon what do I say in similar situations then??
Not sure of the right path to start on from here. I am still single if that makes any difference?

OP posts:

RandomMess · 14/08/2014 22:18

However shitty your ex was if your dd wants to see the OW that is a good thing - honestly it is!!!

Your ex is the one who betrayed your trust if the OW is loving and kind and your dd likes her and wants to spend time with her that is a very very good thing. I wouldn't block it however much it hurts. It's not personal from your dd she is just another adult who she happens to like.

SolidGoldBrass · 14/08/2014 22:19

If DD likes her dad's fiance then TBH you should support that. She is about to become DD's stepmother, which means that she will be in DD's life for a long time, hopefully - and the more loving adults a child has in his/her life, the better.
It's not nice for you but you have to resist the temptation to punish this woman and your XP when doing so will hurt your DD.

AnyFucker · 14/08/2014 22:23

Oooh, tough one to take but I do feel you should let her go. Enjoy the child-free time !

Lweji · 14/08/2014 22:28

If this woman wants your DD to be there, why not?
It is good that they have such a good relationship. What does your XP say? I'd ask him whether he is happy for his new partner to have his DD without him there because he knows her better, though.

Quitelikely · 14/08/2014 22:28

I say let her go. They're getting married so she will be her step mum and its brilliant news IMO that her and your dd get on well.

Original poster

chasegirl · 14/08/2014 22:30

I have always refused to drop dd off at their house. Exp picks her up. Hate this!

I know you are right I just cannot bring myself to do it. I have managed to avoid meeting ow so far too.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/08/2014 22:32

Again, hard to take but don't you think it would be best to meet the woman your daughter is going to spend a significant chunk of her childhood with ?

You wouldn't send her elsewhere to stay with someone you have never met, would you ? That seems a bit wrong to me.

RandomMess · 14/08/2014 22:36

OW can pick her up, hand dd over at the door very swiftly job done.

When you do find a new partner how would you feel if your ex said he couldn't ever had dd if you weren't around?

Original poster

chasegirl · 14/08/2014 23:30

dd is ok with at the moment am lookiblng to the future I suppose (she is only 6).

I dont want to contact ow. exp has dd every other weekend so if his new p had her then he might miss out on his weekend if you see what I mean. I would not want to not have her for 2 weekends in a row.

Hate him for puttibg us in this situation.

OP posts:

Original poster

chasegirl · 14/08/2014 23:32

I live my life around Dd and her weekends with her dad
cant see that changing any time soon. I know you are alright....:-(

OP posts:

Lweji · 15/08/2014 00:20

I think you are perfectly reasonable in not wanting her to go one weekend to spend time with her soon to be step mum, then spend another weekend with dad.
That's why you should run it by him. If this weekend at dad's (but not with dad) doesn't count as a dad weekend, then I think you should say no. She'll still be ok.

getthefeckouttahere · 15/08/2014 00:31

Oh it's tricky. My gut instinct says nope! Take the ex out if the situation and this is just some other woman.

I don't think you have any obligation to present your dd for this woman to spend the weekend with her. Ye daughter may want to see her but so what. Given the choice my kids would have preferred to spend the weekend with Barney the dinosaur. So what?

So it's a nope from me.

CremeEggThief · 15/08/2014 00:44

I don't think you should send her either. It's obviously still upsetting for you and 16 months isn't really that long. Maybe she does care for your DD, but if her relationship with your ex broke down (not beyond the realms of plausibility, considering how it started!), your DD wouldn't have anything more to do with her anyway.

You are under no obligation to consider her feelings. Did she consider yours and your DD's when she played a part in destroying your family?

Coolas · 15/08/2014 01:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess · 15/08/2014 06:18

Ah the extra weekend thing does change things, I assumed the EOW was fixed not that your dd would then do an extra weekend there. In that case I would explain that it would need not see her dad for a whole month and not send her.

Original poster

chasegirl · 15/08/2014 07:20

Thank you all. We had rejigged the weekends so dd wouldnt miss out on seeing her dad for too long. Its a steep learning curve still working oyt how to deal with all this.

I think it brings up my deepest fear that dd will want to live with them especially if they have children (I am a but too old now for more plus other problems and ow is half my and exp's age) she loves babies.

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 15/08/2014 07:25

If I was you I would just be happy that she has a good relationship with her. I have never ever heard of a child who wanted to leave her mother. Don't feel threatened, feel proud that you have raised her to be such a lovely little girl. And most little girls love babies!

ThePrisonerOfAzkaban · 15/08/2014 07:33

Both sets of step parents pick up my son. We have both met someone new, and are getting married next year. It works fine, I'm away for a few days and ds is staying with his step dad, no problem

doziedoozie · 15/08/2014 07:44

Probably they wouldn't want DD all the time. Having DD every other weekend is hardly at all, really, in terms of work or effort for them. Having her to live with them would be a different matter, cause huge changes to their lives. (not saying DD isn't a lovely child).

Plus if she has her own DCs she probably won't feel there is time for an extra one full time.

Plus if DD is there so seldom it is a novelty for DD and I can see a 6 year old getting lots of attention, during that short time, and thinking that every visit is a holiday. But it is because it is a short visit. So DD's attitude is understandable.

But the OW isn't going anywhere and imagine yourself 5 years on, do you still want to be avoiding her/ disliking her, refusing to drop of at hers etc then? By then you will prob have a new partner, different life.

You have a lovely little girl, and you are her mum that she loves, that isn't ever going to change.

however · 15/08/2014 08:17

I'd keep her at home. It's nice that she likes OW, but she's hardly going to turn against her if she doesn't see her for 2 weeks.

frames · 15/08/2014 08:19

Hard. But I would welcome the break now to be honest.

Lweji · 15/08/2014 13:37

And just because your DD asked the ow might not really have wanted her there when she's on her own.

Original poster

chasegirl · 15/08/2014 16:22

Thank you all I feel a but reassured now. You are full of good advice x

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 15/08/2014 16:58

Good luck, chase. It will all work out x

RandomMess · 15/08/2014 21:36

All the best, yes it's difficult and a steep learning curve and yep it feeds your insecuritites! Be kind to yourself x

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