Holiday woes

[Donthackmenow]

This year both sets of grandparents offered to take us and our children on holiday which was very kind. We couldn't find 2 whole weeks so my mother booked a week and we agreed to do 2 long weekends with the inlaws. The inlaws didn't book anything for the 2nd weekend so in the end they had the children to themselves (thurs - sun).
MIL has just rang up dh to say she has booked 'her turn' for next year and we are going to Jersey. My dh called her on this and said we would need to discuss it and that we were intending to holiday with friends. She has hung up on him crying!!
I am feeling anxious and stressed but also bloody angry!!!!! She is constantly doing things without checking and booking a holiday that has never been discussed is quite a big thing. She always tries to take more than she is offered (I arranged for them to come down next week on the Monday and she wrote a letter saying they were looking forward to coming to stay from Sunday to Tuesday 'as arranged' - it wasn't bloody arranged grrr).
Dh says he will ring them this evening but I can't see it going well. We do not want to go on holiday with them (the week away with my family confirmed a week was too long) and don't really want the children going away for a week without us but would happy for them to take the children somewhere on their own for 3 nights/4 days but this won't be good enough . Any ideas what we should say/do?

I'm a bit gobsmacked really. I don't know what to say.

We can just afford one week in a caravan and one night in London with our children each year. That's it and that is a financial struggle.

To be offered two free family holidays is amazing.

You have no idea. I am offended by your OP I am afraid, you seem so ungrateful.

I feel for you OP, your MIL sounds very controlling and really presumptuous. I would be really angry if as an adult someone told me where I was going on holiday next year.

Waffle why are you offended? It's not you that has to spend a week with in-laws.

No-one has to do anything if they don't want to, just to please someone else. Where is the joy or happiness in that? OP has said 3 or 4 days is fine.

Besides there's more to it - I had similar issues with my exSIL deciding what was best for me and doing it, without consulting me at all.. It's rude and it's controlling

What a stupid post Waffle...why would the OP be happy that holidays are planned without her consultation or consent?!

I'd be bloody furious

I certainly didn't mean to offend anyone! It is the way that it has been done that is annoying me.
Everyone thinks the inlaws are wonderful and generous but actually with us anything that is given has a condition attached to it and it is hideous. I constantly feel like I am fighting to protect our space. When they came to visit our new house she started going on about how long the garden was going to take her to look after and how she would need to cut stuff back- it isn't her garden! They treat us like children and assume they know best for us, hence booking a holiday.
She will cry and mutter that we went on holiday with my family, forgetting that she had the same amount of time (well one more night) than my family did.
I end up feeling really passive aggressive in my dealings with her because I am constantly having to correct her memory of what we have agreed.
I don't want my husband to fall out with them but I do want him to stand our ground on this. I will not go on holiday with them to keep the peace.

Waffle that's a very shallow view you have there. It's not about free holidays, such as shame you can't see that.

Waffle ... I've not had a holiday for 7 years. Don't even have more than 3 or 4 days off work each year (am self employed, can't afford to take the hit). You can imagine how utterly desperate I feel for any sort of break. (by those standards a whole week off, even if "only" in a caravan sounds great)

But like the OP, I too would feel stressed out and suffocated if someone tried to "organise" me, without any prior consultation re: dates, destination, company, length of stay, assumptions re: time off and so on. And I'd feel even more anxious and annoyed by it if their apparent generosity was a cover for them controlling me. And worried that confronting them over what on the face of it seems to be a very kind gesture would end up with me being called ungrateful - and feeling emotionally blackmailed into accepting something I didn't want. And worried even further that there'd be far reaching problems between us and my in-laws, and cross (potentially) in case my DP sided with his mum. Etc etc etc.

I hate being presented with fait accomplish. The MIL here shouldn't have assumed anything.

(accomplis)

Oh FFS ... you know what I mean

I think you and DH just have to present a united front and tell her that she is not to organise things like this without it being discussed and agreed first. She'll create, no doubt, but you need to treat her behaviour just like you would a toddler tantrum. You don't give in to this kind of crap, even if you worry that it looks ungrateful.

Most people on here will rescognise that you want to be treated like an adult who gets to make their own plans. WiffleWaffle's view will definitely be in the moinority.

Some 'free offers' just aren't worth what they cost.

I would be incandescent if somebody booked a holiday for me and my family without bothering to check any of the details with me beforehand. It's not a nice thing to do - it's overbearing and controlling and shows they have absolutely no respect for the people that they have booked the holiday for.

It is a completely different thing from offering to take somebody or a family on holiday, sitting down and discussing it and all coming to a mutual agreement about where and when to go etc etc.

If you MIL has form for changing details to suit herself then I'd be calling her out on it every time otherwise it's just going to get worse. Even if it's writing it on my own calendar while she is on the phone and knows that I am doing it (if she's not online - otherwise I'd confirm everything by email too) - and make sure that every time I did this I would say 'oh and look, you're just fitting in nicely as we've got xx planned on the day before and we're due to do yy on the day after' so she knows not to extend the dates.

I would get your dh to tell mil that she should unbook it asap so as to lose as little as possible of her deposit, the longer that she leaves it the more she is liable to. And absolutely don't be guilt tripped into going! Do you know why she chose Jersey - is it somewhere you have said you want to go to or that she wants to go to? Just make sure you are near your dh for moral support during the phone call and make sure that he doesn't cave in. Try working through what she is likely to say beforehand and work through exactly what your dh will say in response so that he will know what to say in all situations - even if he decides to burst into tears and put the phone down on his mum before she can do it to him again!

Worst comes to the worst - write her a letter and point out all the details that you've put in your posts, say that you have already made big holiday plans - which she would know if she had bothered to consult you - and offer to discuss a short break with her and the dc (with or without you!) but only to discuss at this point, not to book. Then you are at least leaving her with something (which is pretty decent of you given the cheek of her booking this without asking you) but you're not giving up any sort of control - it's a mutual decision to be made gently over time!

I would feel the same. Totally cornered and raging at this level of treatment. But further to that what gets me is that she has booked 'her turn'... Everything has to be equal between each set of grandparents otherwise it isn't fair.... This really pisses me off. It's hard enough being parents and having your own lives without thinking 'we're seeing my mother this weekend so we had better see his next otherwise she will whinge' tell her to grow the -fuck- up and act her age. Also tell her it's your family, your decisions, your house your garden etc.

My mum can be a bit similar. She constantly tries to rearrange my kitchen cupboards for example. She is short and struggles to reach a top shelf. But both me and DH are tall and reach fine so I refuse to move things just so she can reach when she is here one day a week (even less now!)
When I change furniture or anything she gets upset that she wasn't consulted and disapproves as it's not her taste and routinely gets a response along the lines of 'good job you don't live here then'. I find being blunt helps to get the point across.
It is infuriating. Stand your ground and I hope your DH stands it with you. Emotional manipulation is the worst kind to me. It's hard to battle. She's very PA!

And absolutely meant to say that waffle your post is ridiculous. It's got nothing to do with how many holidays people have. Would you be offended by everyone richer then you complaining about hardship in their lives? That's shallow. It's about the emotional blackmail and manipulation that can cause strain on relationships and the fact that the holiday is free is just a feather in MIL's hat to force the manipulation as it feels like she is being loving and caring but she's not. She's being controlling.
As someone else said, shame you can't see that and have some empathy

Dh has tried to ring his parents tonight but they are not answering the phone. He is being really philosophical about it but I am a nervous wreck!

zipzap my guess is that she chose Jersey because she is desperate for 'firsts' and it would be our youngest's first time on a plane. Dd can't remember flying on a plane (she was 2.5 when we last went abroad) so that probably helps. We had previously said that we didn't want them to take the children abroad without us so I am also wondering whether she has intentionally picked Jersey so that if we said we didn't want to go she could still take the children because it isn't 'abroad'.

Please can we stop insulting waffle for expressing her opinion and concentrate on trying to help dont.
This problem is a MIL DIL clash. Of course no one should be booking a holiday without consultation as it it shows lack of respect. However, we are all human and make mistakes.
So what to do? The post can tell her MIL to off. She can try and get her DH to speak to her MIL. Bearing in mind that he loves his Mum and also that his mum loves her son, just as much as the post loves her own children. Her MIL will think whatever he says comes from the post,so that is not ideal.
I think to produce a solution that means a relationship continues, the OP has to be honest and assertive with her MIL. If she can't then the situation is only going to get worse. If only we could be honest with one another, but it is not easy. Because two women love one man, it is fraught with difficulties and tension.
Awful as it is on one level, at least the MIL wants a relationship. There will be misunderstandings on both sides as we are all human.
The post expresses resentment about her MIL so I am guessing that before this happened, the relationship was not good.
However if you want a relationship with someone there needs to be a willingness to look for the positives in the other person. For instance is there much truth in the MIL's suspicion that the OP spends more time with her own Mum.? Is she paying for the holiday. Does the MIL love her GC and has she been a good Mother?
I think the OP needs to sit down with her MIL and have a heart to heart and listen to each other. Saying something like ' Thank you for trying to help but We feel that I would like to be consulted about our holiday arrangements as it makes us feel as though I am in charge of organising my own life.' That is assertive and non confrontational. F * off you old bag, I am not going on holiday with you and don't bother coming here again because I never liked you' is AGGRESSIVE. Don't respond to anything accusatory, just keep being assertive.
If the post can recognise her own feelings regarding her MIL that would be helpful. Her MIL will feel dislike, just as the post does.
Best of luck with thinking up assertive things to say. Unfortunately I can't see any other way out without going NC. Xxx post from me as it is not an easy situation.

I would agree that the MIL wants a relationship - but on her terms alone so OP and her DH are expected to jump accordingly to her whims and demands. OP and her DH do not come into it; I would think that the inlaws here think that their son and by turn his wife are still not capable so are thus treated as children and powerless. This is a power and control issue; MIL wants to call the shots here.

MIL crying as well in response to being called on her behaviour was a manipulative action on her part; it was an act to tuck at the strings.

Also such offers are always but always conditional; they are never done out of any altruistic need to see the grandchildren. She wanted this holiday so by goodness she booked it regardless of the consequences.

DH and you need to present a united front with regards to these difficult people. Let DH speak to her, he must not back down regardless of any subsequent waterworks now. BTW its not your fault they are this way.

I do not think his parents are at all nice and you will certainly now have to raise your (too low to date) boundaries of acceptable behaviour with regards to them. I would not even want his parents to have your children for 3/4 nights alone without you there to be honest.

This problem is a MIL DIL clash

No, it really isn't. In this case, it seems the DH is also unhappy with the situation, not just the OP. And he is also being controlled and dictated to rather.

My mother had a tendency to do minor things in this vein, and it was a real struggle to get her to stop. I and my siblings still have to pull her up on things. She's very loving and kind. Still not a reason to arrange to stay at my house without telling me, or try to organise our lives and sibling relationships for us in various ways (she has been known to suggest ringing my doctor to make an appointment for me or the kids. Usually when she is getting anxious and wants me to see the GP about some trivial thing and I don't think I need to).

It does drive her children-in-law potty, but at least they know her children will reinforce the boundaries when necessary.

Don't given in OP, or your lives will be the worse. And don't let the holiday issue distract you so you forget to tell her it's Monday for the visit, not Sunday. It is exhausting but you have to keep reiterating the position unfortunately, just to maintain basic adult autonomy.