How to deal with a friend who

[JayneAir]

gets on your nerves a lot?

I've a very old friend but both our lives have changed hugely since we met several decades back.

I am fond of her and we have lots of history but whenever we chat now ( that's how it is mainly as she lives some distance away) she really annoys me.

Without saying too much, she acts a bit spoilt- she has a very nice life in many ways but moans a lot about trivia. I also find myself mentally disagreeing with a lot she says because I think her judgement is suspect at times.

I've backed off for a while and not contacted her as much but she's stepped up to the mark, and seems to want to keep the friendship going. I don't want a huge falling out or anything, but our lives are so different that I find it hard to really sympathise with her daily minor grievances many of which are nothing compared to other friends who are juggling work, kids, elderly parents etc.

I'm at a bit of a loss to know what to do.

Is this a new thing with her, do you think?

Do you ever tell her (in a nice way) that you disagree with her POV?

Posted too soon

Sometimes I think if you can kindly point out that there might, for example, be another side to whatever she's moaning about it might make her stop and think of that other side. I'm not putting that very well, but I know what I mean

Maybe worth a try?

It's so hard - I worked in the same job for 21yrs working closely with the same person who I considered a really good friend. I knew we had different views and outlooks but our shared memories and activities overrode that and we got on great.

I changed job (for the same company but in a different location) 18months ago and things are so different. Her negativity drives me insane whenever we speak and I've found out from other people that she has not told me things that they have assumed she would (because we are close friends!!). For example another ex-colleagues wedding invitation was extended to me, but she didn't tell me. She doesn't include me on group nights out with ex-colleagues (even though I know them all). It's got to the point now where other ex-colleagues (I'm still friendly with them all) will email me and say "have you heard abouth XYZ???" 9/10 times the answer is no, she just seems weird now.

The job is quite pressurised and I have moved on to a senior and less pressured position, so I don't know whether she's jealous or annoyed with me for abandoning her!! At the end of the day I'm still the same person regardless of what job I do, so i now question whether our "friendship" was just convenient for her.

No real advice, but I just tend to say what is expected in phone calls without really commiting my own opinion - as I say I'm still friendly with everyone in that department and work for the same company so I'm prepared to just suck up the strange behaviour.

Tricky. My reply would always be along the lines of 'be grateful that is all you have to moan about'. To give her her due, she does listen in return, but she is very self centred and has become increasingly so.

Has anything changed in her life, Jayne, that might be making her more self centered?

Yes she has become extremely rich.

Hmm, well, that just proves the saying that money doesn't make you happy. Sorry, not helpful

Does she have many people about her in her personal life?

I fear that if you try to back off a little again she might think you're jealous of her wealth.

why not just be straight with her, and say that you here so much worse from other people/friends, that sometimes it's hard to sympathise with her trivial issues? maybe she thinks you like listening to her about her new lifestyle. Or just try to talk more about your own life rather than passively listen so that she is the one who needs to sympathise.

hear, not 'here'

Is she depressed?