What to do now

[Upsethusband]

So I posted here about 9 months ago, my wife had an affair during our wedding with a good friend of mine. To say it has been an emotional roller coaster is an understatement.

She doesn't know what she wants and she still has him in her life as a friend. There is a chance to rebuild my relationship with her but I'm not sure what to do. Even if I can it will take a lot of effort and I don't know if I trust her again but at the same time I still find it hard to imagine myself with anyone else. Also because we have kids I feel like I should try.

My friends say at 35 I am still young and I own a successful business so will find someone else. Just struggling after 12 years to even imagine being with someone else. Struggling to let go of what I had.

My head says move on but my heart says stay the distance and try.

Head wins in this situation.
If she still doesn't know what she wants then it is time to call it a day. You are young enough to find someone who knows that they want to be with you.
Totally inappropriate that OM is a "friend"

Thing is she isn't even saying we can get back together, she says she just wants to be friends. She said she doesn't want to be with him either but she doesn't want to cut him out.

Thing is when we are together we get on well, we don't argue and have a nice time but she still hangs out with the other guy and they text each other.

I just think it is worth seeing what might happen.

Did she have an affair around the time of the wedding or a quckie during the wedding, it night make a difference.

I advise getting out now. Try to find a decent person who deserves you. Your self esteem has already taken a battering - you don't wnt this for the rest of your life.

MrB are you the OP?

It sounds like she is involved with om and is stringing you along too. Horrible behaviour.

You deserve better.

She started an affair 2 months before the wedding with a friend who attended, said it ended a month before and started again a month after. Probably went on for around 6 months.

They're still friends.

OP?

Who has an affair during their wedding, that's when she should realise what she has and how lucky she is. If the trust is broken, will you be able to move on with her?

Is the author of the thread also posting under the nn MrBroken?

Yeah I am, sorry changed my name, didn't realise it used both.

All I can offer is a cautionary tale from my own experience.

I got back together once with my cheating husband, knowing he was still in contact with the OW. I also lacked self-esteem, felt lost and didn't think I had a future without them. Getting back together was initially a massive relief. The sadness lifted, I was less stressed, and life felt a little more 'normal'. But very quickly I knew that they had no intention of dropping the OW, their heart wasn't in it, I couldn't trust them and that it really was over. Very sad realisation

Be careful what you wish for... .

12 years together is a long history but if she had the cheek and was bold enough to cheat on you what that tells you about her honesty and integrity?

I would not stay a minute longer in such relationship.

Yeah, we were meant to be going out this Friday, I realised it was a bad idea now. I have texted her and binned it off. Having us both of friends and not sure what she wants is BS.

I am going to move on.

No idea how to thought.

How to move on. 'Consciously'. A 12 year interwoven relationship leaves big holes in your schedule and you have to do your level best to fill the gaps. People to see, things to do... Leave yourself as little down time as possible because down time is when you start mulling over the past, getting tempted to pick up the phone or doing something daft like agreeing to go out with your ex on Friday. 'Throw yourself into your work', make new social contacts, whatever it takes.

noone can tell you how you can move on
I don't know how I moved on, but greatest progress happened when ex moved out

you now realised there's no future in this relationship
I would say - no contact with her
go through solicitors
divorce her on basis of her infidelity
(see a solicitor ASAP)
don't text, email or talk to her over the phone

if you have hobby - maybe try to put more effort into it
don't treat work as replacement for a relationship

maybe look for councelling to understand what makes you tick - i.e. why you decided to forgive her (I wouldn't!)

You need to split from her OP. She does know what she wants - she wants the ego boost of having both of you vying for her affections doing the pick me dance. Let her know she can't expect to reconcile with you while she hangs on to the friendship within OM. If she is remorseful and wants to win back your trust, she must show it through her actions, giving you a fair and reasonable divorce settlement, freely sharing time with the children, answering all your questions about the affair, cutting off contact with the OM. If she's offering you anything less than this, I'm afraid it is not worth having.

To help with the moving on, I recommend www.chumplady.com.

I was in your shoes last year - 18 months ago. What you're saying is so familiar. My advice, don't let her play you, like my ex did. I was left dangling whilst he decided who he wanted - he carried on with both of us. Six months of 'waiting' later (we weren't living together by this point) I snapped and thought fuck him. I then had a fling with someone who made me realise what a bellend my ex was to do what he did. Now 18 months on he wants me back and it's too late.

It messes with your self- esteem and makes you feel worthless. I'd been with my ex since I was a teenager and he was all is known.

With time you'll realise and wholeheartedly believe that you do deserve more. Yes, people make mistakes, falling in love or having a relationship with someone else takes planning and a lot of lies.

With time I realised that he's learnt his lesson and I could forgive him, but I cannot forget it. Often get flashbacks of what happened.

Go your separate ways. She's taking the piss keeping in touch with him.

Don't fall for this 'doesn't know what she wants'. It means she is keeping her options open and is dangling both of you on a string according to her whims. Honestly, cut your losses now and give yourself a chance to meet a decent person to share your life with.

OP hello again

FWIW they are not just friends
She does not really want to try again with you - she's not trying now. She's stringing you along
She knows exactly what she wants - her cake and eat it

It's not worth waiting to see what happens - it's happening now!

You can and will move on. I know that seems hard to believe now but it's true. I promise.

But that will not happen while you allow her to keep tramplung all over your heart and self esteem. You need to cut this off now

Well the advice is pretty much consistent. I think you are all right, reality is if I was advising a friend I would advice the same. Time to move on.

It is though hard to imagine someone else. I don't hate her. I suppose I just need to be on my own for a while, which is fine.

you've spent with her most of your adult life.
You will go through those stages - on your own or with your friends/family helping you....
www.psychforums.com/relationship/topic84035.html

You will be fine. It will be hard. There will be a whole heap of shit to wade through to get to the other side but you will be fine. Really you will.

Don't start imagining someone else. Like you say, yu need time alone to heal, reflect, and find yourself again. You've spent nearly a year trying to be what she wants. Now it's time to remember who you are and get back to that place

I wish you all the luck in the world, I realy do. Keep posting here if you need to - we will do our best to help and support

Wow Chump Lady is good stuff, really helpful.