EA husband is being nice....

[MaudLebowski]

So, I was wondering if anyone can offer me a bit of advice/perspective.

'D'H and I have been married five years. I felt that I was making a mistake from the word go, and he proved me right by making my cry on honeymoon and never really stopping since.
He is grumpy, makes horrible scenes if people disagree with him, lies in bed until 12 at weekend whilst our little boy climbs on him begging to go out, is underhand in various ways and treats me like a housekeeper (separate rooms, and I'm expected to do all the housework). I was the main wage earner before we married and supported him financially, but have been a SAHM for the last four years. He is nice to everyone else, but a bully to me.

I was resigned to staying together for the sake of our son, but I met an inspirational lady who had left a EA marriage 10 years ago, and she told me that I could be free too.
Whilst 'd'h was away on a boys night out in another city I went to see a solicitor, told her all that had happened, she said I had more than enough reasons and that it would be fine.

I was ready. The next time he was mean, or belittling or, well anything really, that would be my push, my reason to let the words out of my mouth.
It's been two weeks and nothing. He's being normal. He helped me tidy up yesterday, and he says I smell nice (wtf, since when has he noticed how I smell?)

He can't have found out I went to the solicitor, I was really careful, booked it on another phone, used an assumed name. I wonder if he was tempted on his night out and is feeling guilty.

I'm just confused. I'm terrified of splitting our family up, my little boy adores his dad and the thought of him not being here to read him a story every night makes me want to cry. But I was so hopeful sat in the car outside the solicitors office, I could almost see the sun after so long.
I don't know what I'm asking really, I just wanted to write it down.

Maud I'm sorry you find yourself in this terrible position. I don't know the magic words to get you out of it. With my own situation I couldn't leave and couldn't leave... I tried to go several times but went back. Then one day the spell was broken and off I went. I read the Relationships board for years but never started a thread. One day I just said "help I need to go what do I do?" And that was it. I did exactly what they said and I got away. I felt horribly guilty at the time running out on DH but it was the best thing I ever did. You can do it too.

Honestly I am crying now thinking about how the people on here reached out and saved me. Living with abuse is terrible.

Think long term. Think about your little boy seeing the way his father treats his mother. Think about what that will teach him about adult realtionships.

You don't need an excuse or a prompt to leave. You have been living in a bad relationship for 5 years. Just get your stuff together (without him knowing), get accommodation sorted for you and your DS (maybe WA could help with this) and go.

He's not being nice to you because he knows you've been to a solicitor. He's being nice to you (I think) because your trip to a solicitor gave you hope and confidence. He won't know why you're different, but he'll know something has changed. Be under no illusion, bullies are only interested in themselves. If making you cry gets them what they want they will make you cry. If it stops working they try something else - like being nice. I call it 'good cop, bad cop'....

You would not be splitting up your family by choosing to create a better life for yourself and a better example for your DS. Your DS will carry on adoring Dad even if the pair of you are not under the same roof.

Please have the courage of you convictions and follow through. Good luck

My EA ex did this to me for four months -the bastard

In fact he probably tried harder in those 4 months than in the other 13 years we were together

Like you I couldn't just leave, I needed him to do something to warrant it because treating me like shit year after year obviously wasn't enough

I think he tried hard because once I'd made the decision that I wasn't going to put up with his crap anymore, I grew in confidence and he could see that he was losing his hold over me

It's very easy to say just end it -it's a lot harder to actually do it

I remember this. The periods of niceness just when I was gearing up for the final straw. And this then leads to periods of doubt, was he horrible enough to justify leaving? Had I imagined it? Maybe we could be happy really? If I could just let go of the resentment. Maybe it was my fault ?

And so the next time he behaved like an arse again, my resolve had been weakened and it was back to square one, waiting for the one big horrible thing he was going to do which would absolve me. But it never quite felt bad enough.

He will go back to his old ways though OP. But do you really want to wait for that? Keep your resolve, remember how bad he has been and just leave. Leave because everything he has done in the past means you don't love him anymore and you deserve to be happy. Don't wait for a good enough reason, it's wasting time!

Good luck x

Also, the one thing my EA ex still says to me is "you act as though there were no good times".

He's right, he wasn't horrible all the time, but that's how they get you to stay so long

IMHO, if you don't love him anymore that is reason enough to leave him and he is obviously responsable for killing that love.

You're little boy needs his mother to be well and happy

Thank you all so much for replying, your kindness made me cry.

I keep thinking that I wish he would hit me, because then I would know what to do, but he is far too clever for that.
My family will be horrified, we don't do divorce :), and that's another reason I feel I need him to give me a reason. They love my son so much and I'm afraid they are going to think I am very selfish for depriving my son of his father.

I have seen a couple if threads recently where the poster has returned to MN having broken free, I hope that can be me and that I'll grow enough courage to do it.

You'll find the courage but you're going to have to defend your decision and risk alienating a few people in the process. Do your family know the truth of how bad he has behaved towards you or have you been keeping a lid on it and hiding his nasty secret?

Abusers can be very plausible to those in the outside world and many can put on an act. Your parents and wider family however, do not have to live with this man do they?. You have and you know all too well how abusive he actually is.

His behaviour is all part of the abuse cycle; they can do nice/nasty very well but its a continuous cycle.

Your son is learning from the two of you as to how relationships are conducted. we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. What do you want your son to learn about relationships here; surely not the abusive example his own dad is showing to you, the woman whom he purports to love. Such men only see women as possessions and actually hate them.

Find the courage within yourself to leave this man, you can break free and live a happier life without him in it day to day.

I would also suggest that you look at Womens Aid Freedom Programme and do that as well in the future as such men can take years to recover from.

I read your post and thought wow what an inspirational woman. Please please do not doubt yourself. Please do not think he has suddenly changed and you will get your fairy tale ending. I agree with others who have said he can sense your new lease of hope and strength.

For your sons sake please follow through with it. Don't fall for it if he begs you to come back. He's a nasty piece of work and he doesn't deserve to have you in his life.

You aren't just a cleaner, cook, maid. You're a real beautiful person with love and time to share with the right person, your a mother and your lovely son is seeing the way this man treats you everyday. It will impact on who he becomes as an adult. This is how he may treat women or he may seek a woman out who is inappropriate towards him.

What we see and experience growing up is crucial to who we become later on in life. I'm thinking your husband witnessed some poor relationships growing up which in turn has helped create the person he has became.

Stay strong, go, there's an amazing future out there for you and ds.

Cog, of course I've been keeping a lid on it, its my fault for having such appalling judgement when it came to choosing a husband, can't have folk knowing about that now can I? ;)

Totally agree with duckedup too, I am now doubting myself. What if I'm just imagining it. He says he loves me ( I try not to laugh)

Time to remove the lid. I know you're trying to be lighthearted but it genuinely can be embarrassing to admit you made such a bad choice. It's part of the trap of an abusive relationship... embarrassment, shame and not wanting to hear 'I told you so'. However, by sharing the problem with others, it can get around the self-doubt and make it more real. Bridges burned. You know you're not imagining it.

How is staying with an abusive man good for either you or your son, it isn't. You need to leave, do it for your son's sake if not yours, sorry but I get the feeling you are just too stuck to do anything.

Your abusive partner can still spend time with his son, in fact, he can have him and give you a break, your life will be much better than the current awful one, you are not splitting up the family, it's a dysfunctional family set up at best and he did that when he decided you were only worth abusing. Please wake up.

My family will be horrified, we don't do divorce - I really hope that your family would be more horrified if you and your son stay with this vile man.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid? Perhaps they could offer you support. You really need to start talking to people about what is happening, both to make it more real for you and to get help and support from others. Pretending to others that everything is perfect helps no-one.

you don't need anymore reasons than you already have: he has been a shit to you for so long that you have stopped loving him. i know where you'r coming from; i have stayed in horrible relationships because i couldn't thnk of an excuse to leave. it took me a long time to realise that being very unhappy was reason enough to go. he can still be a good dad to your son if he chooses to be but by sticking up for yourself and getting uot you're teaching your son a valuable lesson in treating others with kindness and respect as well as how to stand up for himself.

you're husband has behaved in an appalling way, just because he is helping out a little bit at the moment doesn't mean he has changed one jot, i agree that he will be responding to your new attitude. you don't have to wait for him to do anything else, you can get out now xxx

You had appalling judgement, I had appalling judgement and a lot of the wonderful women posting on here had appalling judgement. Some of the wisest women I know have been in relationships like this and worse.

Here's you, OP, welcome. Appalling judgement would be to throw your life away because of one mistake.

Emotional a users abuse as much as they can get away with interspersed with good times to keep you hooked.

They are experts at reading you, so he will know by the change in your demeanor that you are ready to jump ship, that's his signal to swap back to being mr nice guy again to keep you hooked.

See it for what it is, part of your cycle of abuse.

I've been here. It's not that he knows your plans - it's that they sense when it changes, when you pull away just slightly, when you are happy.

He hasn't changed, and he'll get mean again, and it will be worse.

I know exactly the feeling of wishing they would just hit you. It seems like it would be a much neater thing; he hits you, you walk away, and everyone you know understands. It's so hard with EA. The emotional pain hurts so much, and it's so difficult when no one else sees it, because he's all charm around them. But an abuser is an abuser, in whatever form.

Just sit him down and say the words. You'll be calm, and able to keep your head. No matter what he says, repeat what you want. Don't waver. Leaving is so, so difficult. But you can do it, and you will, you have already done so much.

Women's Aid could give advice on how to end it, and advice on safeguarding yourself during this time.

Like others i can relate to wishing he would hit me, just to give me the reason I needed. He almost did, he pinned me against a wall and looked like he was going to. Even THAT didn't seem like reason enough though.

Your bar of what is acceptable is so low, and your bar of what is unacceptable is so high, you will be stuck there forever waiting for a reason! And as it should be, nobody should WANT to be hit!

Like cog said, lift the lid. I don't know anybody with a family who would throw a party at the prospect of divorce. Confide in them, tell them, even ask for their advice. If you can't get their support, you may at least get their understanding.

I printed off a list of emotionally abusive behavious that can be found on the EA thread, I highlighted the bits that fit and showed it to my mum, giving examples of how he had treated me. I wanted her to understand and she did.

To the outside world of course he is plausible. Once, my ex's grandmother actually sent me a letter telling me how proud she was he was such a wonderful man, father and husband!!!

If he can sense something is wrong, he will keep on being nice, he will probably be the best he has ever been. Just detach. When you are ready to go, he will beg, plead, rewrite history and claim he can't understand it. He may even have a list of excuses to guilt trip you into staying. Mine tried to pull a mental health issue out of the bag.

But keep a copy of that list and stay strong, because you deserve to be happy! Everybody does, and you will be. It will be tough going, but imagine living in your own house with your boy, with the freedom to be and think for yourself!

Sending you strength!!! x

And imagine your son learning to treat his own wife like his father treats you, that should be enough of a reason to leave.

My dd had to leave the father of my dgd. He is lovely 90 percent of the time and adores his child, but his unlovely side has now meant that he will never see that child again and this is the second child he has lost contact with. Do you want that for your son?

Thank you all. I know what I have to do, it's going to take me a bit of planning to sort out some issues with money and property before I make my move, but I am determined to make it. Him being nice is just part of the cycle and I see that now.

You have all given me more strength than you can possibly imagine, and I no longer feel as if I'm going mad, in fact I see pretty clearly now.

I will return when it's done...or when I'm having a late night panic, whichever comes first.

I told my family last night. They were not surprised, said I shouldn't have married him and that he's always been a nasty bully.
I don't need him to be nasty again now. I'm not going mad, and I'm not making it up.
Family are going to support me every step of the way, and said I had been brave, which I certainly didn't expect.
Now for planning and financial shuffling. I have to stay calm to get the best outcome for my son and I.
But this is happening.
And I am ready.

That's a really positive step

It's amazing what families actually see when you think you are doing a really good job of hiding it from them