Divorced/separated mums- how do you cope with sharing you child/children?

[AC786]

How do you cope with your child/children going away to your exhusbands? I am separated and child's father is demanding access. I know that I cannot say no but I'm so worried about my baby being away from me. She is forever calling me when she cannot see me.

He wants her to be around his mum and extending family. I do not trust his mum and not really knowing what is going on (he lives with his mum) is killing me.

How do you cope?

Hi AC, do you and your Ex have a formal shared care arrangement in place for your DD? Is she actually a baby, or a small child? Just wondering about the care because if the courts awarded your Ex access rights etc, it will be because they deem him fit and suitable to care for his DD.

Does it put your mind at rest to know he is at least capable? I think it is something you will gradually come to terms with. It isnt an overnight thing it takes time.

You get used to it, you even learn to enjoy it (eventually), I promise.

Use the time for yourself, do things you don't have time to do when you have DC with you, things you wanted to do but didn't have the babysitter so that you could. Try things you've always wanted to try.

Make plans with friends, keep yourself occupied, especially the first few times you are without DC.

Try and establish clear ground rules for contact between you and ex during these periods of time though. If ex wants the responsibility, he has to take full responsibility when he has DC. When DCs are older, get them a basic mobile phone so they can contact you, and you can contact them (I find texting intrudes less on time they spend with their dad but everyone's different).

Hope that helps. Mine were older (4 & 7) when we separated, and I think I would have found it a bit harder if they had been babies tbh.

His Mum might be driving this. Don't let them get to you. Your DC will know and appreciate you as main parent, just go with it like you ain't bothered.

Thank you.. DC is 21 months

That's a very small child. Obviously the ideal is that children can spend time and develop a relationship with both parents but the contact has to be geared around 'what's best for the child' at all times. How long are the visits? Why don't you trust his DM? What were the circumstances of the break-up... any DA or DV? Have you taken legal advice?

You can say no.

I cope with missing my child by not thinking of it as "sharing" my child. I'm not sharing anything. I think about how my son would be hurt if I took his time with his father away for him and deprived him having the maximum time he could. It's not my time to give away (or withhold). It was hard (DS was 3 when we split) and I'd been a SAHM for 2 of those years, had never spent a single night from him and he was still breastfed and co-slept.

But all situations are different and your DD is young. In what ways don't you trust his DM? Do you think she hurts, neglects or abuses your DD?

It never bothered me at all, but then we were together till son was 9 so that's a different situation.

I was a step mum (sorta) to two boys from ages 2 and 3. They used to come and stay every other weekend. Their mum, as far as I know, used to be happy enough about this and wasn't stressed out about how they were being cared for etc. We didn't interfere in her childcare and she didn't interfere in ours.

Is there any actual reason you don't trust him with his own child?

Thank you very much. I feel that I will not know what is going on with her, what she is doing/ going or who is around her. Having lived with MIL too, I know that she lies, is dishonest and wants everything her way. Therefore, she will not respect the way I would want things as a mother to my daughter - that may be small things like what she can and cannot eat for example. So many times, she has tried to exert her authority in my child and on myself. If I'm not there, I will not know what is happening. Equally, if something happens to my DD, I would not know as I would not be told.

DH is very influenced by mother and family so won't care if I don't get told things or my wishes about what is right for her

You sound so much like me. But I am further down the line. My girls are 5&6 now. They were 1&2 when we split. To start with their Dad couldn't really be bothered with them so at the most it was an hour or 2. But now he has just got a girlfriend who also has a child and has suddenly decided he wants to be a decent Dad .

Like yours, he also lives with his Mum. All very untrustworthy. Lie about everything and if I said they were not allowed something, they would give it to them even more just to wind me up. It's hard. Extremely hard.

I have a few recent threads about it as the family took my girls on holiday for a week last week and it was awful. Was so scared that something would happen and they would get hurt as they are just so bloody useless it's unbelievable. I found out they had lied about where they were going on the holiday (WHY???), Lied about what they were doing, Lied about telling me I could talk to them daily and then refusing, Lied about sending me plenty of photos and updates (Still haven't seen any photos and they have been home a week!), And lied about who was going. Turned out his new girlfriend (of a few weeks) also went. They told the girls that they would be getting Married and she would be their new step Mum! THey have been together less than 2 months

I really don't know what to suggest as I still haven't found the answer. I hate them being with him. Not because I miss them, I have 2 babies with my current partner so I am always busy. But because I genuinely don't think he is up to the job. We have had issues such as being in cars with no car seats, being told not to tell me certain things that have happened, coming home really hungry, and hundreds and hundreds of lies.

Oh god that's awful. I fear this. Some people are just awful.

Sorry my post probably has made your doubts worse

It's so hard. Even when a child had two parents living together, it's very often the case that one parent is the primary carer and tends to make most of the parenting decisions. This is how it was for me. And then when you separate you are forced to let go of that responsibility for everyday parenting and trust your kids with someone who might not have shown much interest when you were together.

I'm not too far into this journey myself, and I'm not coping overly well. But people do say it gets easier. I hope they are right.

Goodness 4littleones and gingercat2. It's so true. There seems to be one primary carer. The thought of letting someone else looking after DC without me makes my skin crawl. When you cannot trust that you will be told what your child is doing is just unfair.

DH and I have been living apart. This was because I was otherwise also living with nightmare MIL. He was out of work for a bit but the plan was that he gets a job and we live together. He had got a job and now is refusing to live with me but says he wants time alone with DC. There are various issues with him but he is not understanding that trying to give DC a family unit is best. He is suggesting we split. The thing is that we have not actually lived together, alone, without interfering MIL. I don't know how to get through to him as he's always angry.... Will gang up on me then not take calls or will otherwise run away in person.

I used to hate wednesdays, that was the day I would come home from work to an empty house because my son had been picked up from nursery and later from school by his father and would be there until saturday or sunday (alternate weekends). We did 50/50, and for a long time I was worried that my ds would want to live there more than with me; that never happened. It rarely does.

I gradually began to go out with friends on fridays and it began to be something I looked forward to. When I started to date again after a couple of years it mean that I always had time that I was free to date without needing a babysitter- I never used a sitter in the whole time my ds was growing up, I didn't need to because I had plenty of time that I could use for my stuff. When I met someone it meant that there was no rush to bring him into the family or meet my son because I had plenty of time to keep them separate.

It is hard to come to terms with not having any say over what happens when your son is with his dad but you have to get there. You have to swallow your anger, worry and anxiety and allow it to happen. It gets easier with time. My son (now 20) says that he thinks he had a better experience than many of the children he knew who grew up in one household. We never rowed- we always valued our time together and when he left for university last september I was better prepared for the empty nest feeling than many of the parents I knew. He comes home now and stays with me and pops round to his father's place but he knows that the comfort is at mine, the food is at mine and the easy going attitude is at mine. In the end- it worked out fine. I did not believe it would 15 years ago when his dad admitted he was having an affair with the woman I thought was my friend and who lived opposite me and that he was leaving me for her, nor did it when my son wept for his daddy when he was tired and I could not console him. It all felt awful and wrong and unfair and cruel.

Your job is to make the situation work for your dd, she needs her dad and unless he is harming her in some way then she has a right to be with him no matter what you would prefer. There are upsides eventually, don't focus on what you cannot change or control, focus on what you can do for you in the time she is with him.

It sounds like a horrible situation for you OP :(

My situation is unusual in that my exP who has my DD one third of the time has no biological connection to her ie is not her dad. It makes it hard for me to reconcile her time away from me as being in her best interests.

ginger how did that come about? Does DD also see her dad too?

Sorry, don't want to derail thread, but interested in your arrangement!

I have 3 children from two different relationships - my first I had at 18 years old (his father was and still is a very trustworthy, good dad) so my eldest went to his dads every weekend from being 6 months old - when I stopped breast feeding. I have to say, I thoroughly enjoyed my weekends - as I was young and it was my chance to act like a teenager every weekend - though I worked and looked after my son through the week... I will say, I feel like I didn't appreciate my eldest as a baby as much as I should have - but I have forgiven myself as I was young and unprepared...

Fast forward 7 years - 2 young children and a marriage ending - and I found it exceptionally difficult to relinquish my 2 youngest children to their father. I had the privilege of being in the fortunate position to be a SAHM to them (not a luxury I had with my first) and being older and wiser, I was ready for them - my wild weekends were conducted in my younger years, so I had and have no urge to be out and/or away from them/my responsibilities.

However, my set up is as follows. DS1 now goes to his dads every other weekend - I like a weekend JUST with him while my 2 youngest DS2 and DD are at their dads.

DS2 and DS go to their dads every Wednesday and Saturday evening (he lives just round the corner, so close to school) and every 4th weekend, they stay for the full weekend (coincides with a full weekend my eldest is at his dads).

It's a lot of time away from them, but I prefer to think of it as time with their dads - who are equally as important to them as I am to them.

I feel very fortunate that my children's fathers are EXCELLENT and devoted dads. I have very amicable relationships with both and we try to make the best out of a bad situation for my children - who are paramount.

I didn't split up with my two youngest DCs dad until they were 3 and 4 years old - I think that made it easier as I doubt I would have let them go when when they were babies, as easily as I felt I did my eldest son - I feel like this is purely to do with the fact I am no longer as self absorbed as I was as a teenager (no disrespect to any teenage mums, this is a reflection upon myself purely)..

Some days I wake up and think 'thank goodness! This mama needs an evening of peace' - other days I dread the 5pm knock at the door as I would like nothing more than an evening on the sofa, snugged up with a film and treats and my 3 beautiful babies :)

I know my baby-dads look forward to those evenings probably MORE than I do, especially my ex husband - who ADORES his children and doesn't want to miss a moment.

I still regularly have ex husband round for dinner and vice versa, and we alternate Christmas between his house and my house - neither of us want to miss those magical Christmas mornings with them while they're young - I wouldn't deny him and he wouldn't deny me.

It's worth noting that I have a partner, but he is very respectful of the above fact and he knows that we have these arrangements purely for the benefit of the children..

I think I've ranted.. Sorry if it's a bit garbled, but typing on my phone as opposed to my laptop.. :)

It's worth noting, my DS1 has no interest in any specific allotted time with my ex husband, his step dad. They'll occasionally go for a pizza or to watch a football match or to the cinema on an as and when basis though - perhaps because my son has such an established and secure relationship with his actual dad? I'm not sure - but it all works and we have routine and consistency - which is so important. I have always made clear I would not tolerate cancellations, no shows etc - it's not fair on the children.

We have such a good system and the children are older that there is now wiggle room/leniency if one of the adults has somewhere to be that they can't miss such as a wedding to attend in a weekend or a work meeting somewhere else in the country etc

I realise what I have types has not answered your question related to grandparents - you could say I was lucky as DS1s grandparents live in the Scottish Highlands and Vietnam respectively, my DS2 and DDs grandparents live at the opposite end if the country and my mother lives down south too - so I've not had to worry about unwanted input or influence and neither have they. My dad lives locally, but he's not really the interfering sort at all..

Sorry for the delay op. My DD was conceived via donor sperm as I was in a same sex relationship when I had her. ExP was happy for me to have a child but not interested in having one herself. I was happy for her to keep having contact with DD after we separated three years later, but she (exP) became verbally and physically aggressive. After two and a half years I realised this wasn't just an adjustment issue that would go away, so I stopped contact with her and she pursued contact with DD through the courts. I don't mind her having contact with DD but she has her one third of the time which I think is too much for a variety of reasons, and am desperate to reduce it. I have found that letting your DC go to someone who you know had the capacity to be violent towards you and speak badly of you, is so hard compared to letting them go for the same amount of time with someone who supports you.

Yes I agree, that is very tough. I was verbally and mentally abused by him and his family. He wanted time alone with DC and I said ok but he came and left. He has not been in touch since so in not sure what's going on.

That might be a good thing :)