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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Worried about DP

21 replies

WorriedNCer · 13/08/2014 13:59

I've name changed for this because people know my regular name and I don't want to out him more than myself.

Me and DP don't live together (loads of reasons for this) but have been together for years and do work as a team.

We went on holiday recently and had a lovely time. But when we got back, he really seemed to change.

He's been out drinking till 4 or 5 in the morning, spent all the money he saved to buy himself something. This doesn't affect me but it isn't really like him. He will then say the next day that he doesn't even like drinking but only went out to stay out of his house (he is a lodger and I think that he doesn't like to be in the way)

He has drank that much recently that he's forgotten things we have planned and been really confused about stuff, and ended up not seeing his family on the day he normally does because he only wakes up at 2pm and misses it all. This is also totally unlike him. He has even missed a couple of days where his adult children were back from university for the week and he never ever misses a day seeing them.

It happened the other day. I turned up to pick him up and take him to his family, but he was asleep and I woke him up going in, he didn't even remember making plans and then he said he didn't want to go. He has some money problems and I know his parents are worried about that. He said he didn't want to go because they're aways nagging at him and everyone nags him and he just wants to sleep forever. I don't know the extent of his money problems or what he's doing about them because I've never really asked properly, he didn't seem to want to talk about it so I've not bothered.

This isn't like him either.

Then last night he finished work early but only got home at 1am. I asked why he was home so late and he just said that he wanted peace and quiet.

I asked him if there was anything wrong and he said that I was doubting him all the time. (I'm not, I really don't think he would cheat) and when I told him I wasn't doubting him I was just worried because he was acting really strange he then said that I must be fed up with him now and he knew that it would happen one day and that he was too much like hard work for anyone :(

I reassured him that I wasn't fed up and he wasn't hard work and that I was just worried and I still love him etc.

He then started saying he hates society and he will never fit in and never has and he just doesn't understand how the world works. He said again that he is better off just sleeping forever and that he pisses me off because he's hard work.

I'm not pissed off with him at all, I'm just worried. So I told him that again but he fell asleep after that message.

It's just not like him at all.

I have seen him like this once before but he had been made redundant with no pay out and was on the dole for a month and he was bitterly depressed throughout this time. Not even leaving the house or showering etc. But there was a reason behind that and it all stopped as soon as he found another job.

I really don't know what to do. I'm shattered because I was up all night worrying about him and I don't know how I can help (if I can at all) this is really out of character for him.

If you got this far then thank you.

OP posts:

however · 13/08/2014 14:06

Could you join forces with his grown up children? It sounds like something major is going on, perhaps you could all talk to him together? The wanting to sleep forever would have me very worried about his state of mind.

Original poster

WorriedNCer · 13/08/2014 14:08

Not really I don't know them very well. They live away and don't come back often and when they do it's usually on days where I'm working so I don't often see them. Plus I think he would go spare if I involved them :(

I know I am really worried about him.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 13/08/2014 14:54

To me it sounds like he's feeling guilty because he must know he is acting like a teenager, he's putting it on you to relieve his own guilt, he may also have guilt about seeing someone else, he seems to spend a lot of time away from you, you say he wouldn't cheat, I wouldn't be so trusting if I was you, not under the circumstances.

firesidechat · 13/08/2014 14:57

I know that this is the default diagnosis, but this one definitely sounds like depression to me. Would he be willing to talk to his gp?

Original poster

WorriedNCer · 13/08/2014 15:47

Nope he definitely won't go to see a GP.

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 13/08/2014 15:57

I read this and tried to imagine writing a post from his pov.

WorriedNCer is such an amazing partner because she's so supportive and understands that I'm depressed and sad for some reason.

I'm not sure when this started. I've just felt so down since we got back from holiday. My money situation doesn't help. I'll snap at her and she tries to talk to me but I just can't talk to her.

I have a problem talking about my feelings and this is probably one major reason I go out drinking.. Then I feel so guilty for doing so and worse for snapping at her but I can't do anything about it because that's how I feel and I can't change it. Last time i felt like this, it was triggered by redundancy. I eventually got another job so with that and her support I managed to get through it. But now it's happening again.

I worry she'll think I want to finish with her but I don't because I do love her. It's just that part of me wants everyone to be depressed if I have to be depressed. Everything seems impossible.

He may feel like asking for help is the hardest thing he's ever done. I'd try urging him to go about finding a doctor, because the alternative is continued misery.

If he can talk to a helpful doctor, he can get a proper diagnosis and a plan of action.

Admittedly if the doctor prescribes medication, it can take weeks to kick in. If talking to a therapist is arranged, he might still feel despair, but he won't feel as alone.

hellsbellsmelons · 13/08/2014 16:02

It sounds like he needs help.
He needs to recognise this though before you can do anything.
If you continue trying to 'save' him when he doesn't want to be saved, you will be exhausted, frustrated and the resentment will build.

He needs an ultimatum.
You need to follow through.

Original poster

WorriedNCer · 13/08/2014 16:36

:( I was going to talk to him today but something else massively shit has happened to him.

He's not cheating. It would be easy for him to cheat. I never check when he's home. He just texts and says he's back so I don't worry. He could easily text me whenever and just pretend he's home as usual and do what he wants, but He doesn't tell me lies.

OP posts:

Original poster

WorriedNCer · 13/08/2014 21:03

Thank you for your amazing post donkey.

I know it is depression. I know he's had it before. Things get on top of him a lot and he can't help it.

I don't really know about depression though. I just know that it's an illness and should be treated but I don't know how to get him the help.

I know I have to go gently with him. If I push him he'll just do one

OP posts:

Jan45 · 14/08/2014 10:34

Funny how his depression doesn't stop him going out drinking til 4/5 in the morning.

No offence OP but it's actually up to him to decide if he has depression or not, and up to him to go seek help, he can't expect you to do it all and suffer his complete lack of consideration towards you.

Jan45 · 14/08/2014 10:35

If he is out drinking till the early hours, what state is he in.

badbaldingballerina123 · 14/08/2014 16:55

I agree with Jan.

Joysmum · 14/08/2014 17:17

Funny how his depression doesn't stop him going out drinking til 4/5 in the morning

That's an escape. I do this with binge eating. It buys nothingness for a while. Nothingness is a release when reality is too hard to bear.

firesidechat · 14/08/2014 17:22

It's called self medicating. I never ever diagnose via the internet usually, but it still sounds like depression to me.

Nicklt1988 · 14/08/2014 21:56

Seriously Jan45 shut up you just sound bitter and twisted!!

The guy is obviously depressed and needs support (not saying you are obliged to do that OP). Maybe an intervention is in order by you and his kids.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/08/2014 10:45

don't know how to get him the help
YOU can't get him help.
He needs to address this himself.
You can support him if he chooses to get help.
If he doesn't though you may need to walk away.

Jan45 · 15/08/2014 10:58

Nick: Yeah that's right, anyone who disagrees with your medical diagnosis is bitter and twisted...

If my boyfriend was out drinking til 4/5 in the morning the last thing I would be saying is here, here, let me support you, you must be depressed. What facts are there that he actually is???

Until he opens up and admits he has a problem then you can't do anything OP, I am sure he knows very well you are there for him.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/08/2014 11:04

How's things today Worried?

PoirotsMoustache · 15/08/2014 11:34

Jan45, when I was suffering with severe depression, I was often out drinking all night. It's called 'drowning your sorrows'. It wasn't at all fun.

Joysmum · 15/08/2014 11:53

If my boyfriend was out drinking til 4/5 in the morning the last thing I would be saying is here, here, let me support you, you must be depressed. What facts are there that he actually is???

That's because for some reason you would think the worst of your boyfriend whilst those of us who believe we are in relationships with good men who do something out of character don't automatically assume the worst.

The facts presented that depression is most likely to blame for the drinking can be found by reading the posts of the OP! She's said he's behaving out of character, that when he was like this previously it was as a result of depression and that she therefore feels it likely that it's depression again.

Jan45 · 15/08/2014 12:03

Nope, most of my friends would also think the worst I'm afraid, a boyfriend who spends very little time with them then lets them down when plans have been made, goes out drinking 'til 5am with mates etc... drinking to excess like that in itself can cause depression, alcohol is a depressant.

I get I might be wrong and he is actually clinically depressed but unless I was actually told that (i.e., him telling me he feels really down and might be depressed) I'd not assume it was the case, I'd act on his actions, whether wrongly or rightly, he doesn't seem to be communicating anything to the OP or indeed taking her feelings into consideration.

Yes, could be depression, could also be something else.

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