how do I get me head around my sister that doesnt care?

[ssd]

I'm the youngest by far in my family, also have another sibling in the middle

basically my older sister and I have opposite natures, I'm very sensitive and caring, she puts herself first.

my mum died and I'm still grieving, she moved on straight( she told me this) away, I had cared for mum, sister left it all to me

anyway, what I want to ask is how do I accept she is how she is? I know that sounds daft, I'm not a baby but I cant get my head round it.

I'm hurt/bewildered by it all, its been going on for years. But I'm fed up caring and want to get closure for how I feel about her, and stop looking for her to care about me...how do I do this? I cant tell her, would get too emotional, anyway she lives 100's of miles away.

is there anyone else out there who has got over this? maybe it makes it harder that I'm the youngest, I sort of grew up with her like another mum to me and I thought she might care for me a teeny bitas I got older, but no.

folkgirl, I dont understand this bit you posted earlier

" It was your choice to make her children the centre of your lives when they were growing up. You can't expect the same of her. "

it wasnt a choice, it was family life...of course I loved my nieces and nephews, and loved seeing them and treating them, who wouldnt in a normal happy family? Is it wrong then to expect your own children to feel some of that love and care back? Isnt that what being part of a family is all about? Not mad sacrifices or being the martyr, just being close and interested in each other? I find it strange you wouldnt think that? I wouldnt expect anyone to go out their way to see us, or spend money or time they havent got, but I think asking my kids hows things? maybe once a year isnt being needy or asking the earth.

badvoc, I know I'm not needy, I wish to god I was, cos I might have got a bit of help with mum when I needed it!!

the buttons thing is spot on

I wish my siblings cared more about me and my dc, but they don't.
I can agonise about it...or accept it and move on.
Mind you, it's taken me a long time!
I am nearly 42!

it wasnt a choice, it was family life

it feels, to you, like it wasn't a choice. but it was, actually. you made the choice without thinking because that's how you're wired, but for many people, the choice is not automatic.

true thestamp

badvoc, I'm older than you so well done, you've got there before me!!

I just wish I could let it all go.

ssd I suppose it's just not necessarily just family life, or everybody's family life. It was a choice. You could have spent your time differently.

My brother has a beautiful little girl. I love her. I enjoy seeing her and she's an adorable little character. But she is not "the centre of our lives" which is how you described your sister's children.

Of course once a year isn't asking the earth or needy, but that's a far cry from the 'centre of our lives'.

Neither my brother nor my sister - who all live close to me - asked how my son was after an op last month.
We were in quarantine for 2 weeks...nothing.
If that were my nephews or niece I would have phoned/text to ask how they were and if I could do anything.

I sometimes think that I have quite high standards of behaviour for myself and it means I am quite critical of others....or maybe they are just ignorant arseholes? :) :)

the kids were loved and thought of and cared about, thats closer to what I mean..to me thats natural in a family (or should be)

I sent them cards for birthdays every year and a gift, mine get nothing..I sent anniversary cards every year, then got married myself, I never got any back

I know this sounds trivial and needy, I dont care about cards myself but I care about the thought behind them.

I guess I need to just accept we are made of different stuff and move on. .I'll never understand it though.

sounds familiar badvoc..maybe thats why we grieved so much, we're just made of different stuff.

Ever since I was young I thought she was adopted, even as a young kid I knew we were opposites. She seems to have no feelings for her blood family at all.

Why do you think this is what adoption is like? - that you don't care for each other because you don't share blood? Is that what you think of your DH - that you don;t have feelings for him because you aren't blood related?

I don;t say any of this to have a go at you but to point out the total inconsistency of your viewpoint.

It takes all sorts to make a family but "blood" really doesn't count for much - character and shared experiences and a conscious decision to be a family are what makes a family.

Your sister doesn;t sound like she has any of those things with you. And thats the way it is sometimes.

Don't moon around like an unrequited lover. Take what she offers (if anything) on your own terms and get on with your own lovely family - she isn't a part of it.

good post kew.

I think kew makes a good point.
I know someone who had a bio child and an adopted one.
She is far far closer to her adopted son than her bio daughter.
Your family is your Dh and dc.
Your extended family is your siblings and their children.
My attitude now is that I love them, of course, but I no longer expect anything from them.
An epiphany if you like :)

I've realised I am romanticizing what I think family should be about, I imagine having a sister to be like having a close friend..my mum told me a week before she died she wished she'd had a sister, I feel the same way

Not sure whether this is in any way relevant or helpful but I often think that people who give a lot, are generous and put their own needs last frequently don't get a lot (of love and support?) back from those around them . Maybe it's a balance thing? Perhaps your ds did feel guilty when you cared for your dm and the less she sees of you the less bad she feels...

Could you try and focus on nurturing your other relationships and just try to think kindly of your ds without expecting involvement?

I think that's possible.
I have a sister.
She made my life hell from age 12 til I left home at 26.
We get on better now we don't live together!
But we aren't close.
We never will be.
She is moody, mercenary and mean spirited.
I love her, but I don't really like her, you know? :(

flowers, trust me, she feels no regret or guilt whatsoever, she feels she can do no wrong.

I dont think I'll ever see my siblings again, it feels much better to keep them at a distance, sort of like protecting myself. I doubt they'll mind or notice.

I seen one of those daft facebook poster quote things once, and it really wrung true...it said "sometimes we have to give up on people, not because we dont care, but because they dont"

spot on.

Maybe you should check out the staley homes thread ssd?
If going NC will make you happier and improve your mental health then it's worth considering.

whats that badvoc?

I have never sent my sister an anniversary card - and I was a bridesmaid!

Sorry stately homes thread.
If you do a search it will come up.
I have found it quite helpful.

kew, as I said, I dont really care about cards, but when I've sent maybe 20 odd anniversary cards it would have been nice to have even one back

but thats just a teeny tiny thing in the scheme of things

thanks badvoc, will take a look