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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Last night I woke my husband up and told him he's an alcoholic.

22 replies

TellMeImWrong · 13/08/2014 10:19

Of course he disagreed with me, said I'm overreacting. I told him that's the most cliched thing he could have said.

I don't know, maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like it's a sneaking suspicion that's been creeping up on me for months and months and last night... it just hit me. I feel like I've just sleepwalked into a car crash.

He's always drunk a lot more than me, my parents are tee total and I barely drink at all, whereas he comes from a family where they do seem to drink a lot (but I've always told myself this must come from my pretty well non drinker viewpoint, perhaps I'm naive), they "appreciate" a lot of wine, whisky, etc.

He holds down a very responsible job and doesn't drink at all during the day, but in the evening, once the baby is in bed, he'll always drink the best part of a bottle of wine, he drinks whisky like it's apple juice.

He started hiding it from me too. The night before last I accidentally drank from his can of coke and not mine and got a whacking hit of whisky in the coke. Until that point I'd had no idea there was any alcohol in the house. Last night I was lying in bed with a sneaking suspicion and went downstairs to check the kitchen cupboard, there was a big bottle of whisky with only a tiny bit left at the bottom, an empty tumbler left on the dining table that smelt of booze.

Other things that made me suspect: he slurs his words sometimes in the evening, when I ask him if he's been drinking he tells me, no, he's just tired. Last night I asked him if he'd been drinking (before found the booze), because I smelt whisky on his breath. He told me no.

When I confronted him, he said he knows he drinks a lot and that he knows he needs to stop doing that and he hides it from me because he knows I worry. But that he's not an alcoholic and I'm working myself up into a state over nothing really. I told him he has to completely stop drinking. He agreed.

So tell me, lovely ladies of mumsnet. Am I overreacting or am I right? (I feel I know what the answer is here, but I still need to hear it) Where do I go from here? Anyone had a similar experience?

I still feel shell shocked really, I can't stop crying, I love him so much words can't express but I can't let this go on, can I.

OP posts:
TellMeImWrong · 13/08/2014 10:20

PS sorry for the incredibly long rambling post.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 13/08/2014 10:27

If anything, you are under reacting, I hope he gets help, he has every reason to if he wants to keep such a lovely lady like yourself.

TellMeImWrong · 13/08/2014 10:29

Thank you, Jan, it does help to hear someone else say it. xxx

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/08/2014 10:37

The only chance you have up against a heavy drinker/alcoholic that doesn't see it's a problem is no chance. Sorry to be so pessimistic. Lying, hiding it, accusing others of overreacting... having once been married to an alcohol abuser (also from a family of heavy drinkers/alcoholics) I've stood right where you are standing now, unfortunately, and I've heard all the excuses. Even him driving over the limit, turning his car on its roof and losing his licence for a year didn't convince him he had a problem.

Where do you go from here.... in short, tolerate or reject. There's no middle ground.

TellMeImWrong · 13/08/2014 10:44

Shit. I'm sorry to hear that, Cogito. That sounds awful.

I am (perhaps again naively) hoping that this is the beginning of something that can be turned around, that if I deal with it early enough, I will be able to stop it turning into a total train wreck.

I'm going to have a zero tolerance attitude towards his drinking now, i I ind out he's been doing it again I will pack him a bag and send him to his mum's house.

I've got to tell her when she gets back from holiday. I'm dreading it. I'm pretty sure his brother is an alcoholic (in denial) too, in fact, ironically, it was DH that pointed that out to me.

I was due to start an evening course one night a week but can't leave him alone with the baby, can I?

OP posts:
ghostisonthecanvas · 13/08/2014 10:46

He won't be able to stop. He will convince himself you are over reacting. You don't drink much so you are being precious. His family all drink so they are normalising their habits. He will use their habits as comparison. "I don't drink as much as...xyz" He will say he doesn't get drunk therefore he isn't an alcoholic. Do a bit of research. Be able to counter argue. If you struggle, you can go to groups like Al anon. They are for people affected by their loved ones drinking habits.
I am sorry you are going through this. It is truly shit. I hope he turns it around.

TellMeImWrong · 13/08/2014 10:47

Thank you for your kind words, everyone. I can't stop crying. Am going to have to get myself together before the baby wakes up.

OP posts:
Fontella · 13/08/2014 10:51

Whiskey in his coke can? Slurred words?

You aren't over-reacting - your H has a serious drink problem. Whether you call that an 'alcoholic' or not is up to you - the label doesn't matter, and people get far too caught up in that. I tried to tell my mother for years that my brother (who also drank whisky in his coffee/tea/even in milk - always in a mug so he thought we wouldn't know what he was drinking) was an 'alcoholic' and she just wouldn't have him called that. Right up until he eventually died of of liver failure aged 53, due to his drinking, she couldn't bring herself to accept that, yep he was an alcoholic.

Forget the label - your H drinks too much, too often, too regularly. The fact that he 'doesn't drink in the day' and holds down a job doesn't mean jack shit. Millions of functioning alcoholics do exactly that, my brother included.

And we aren't just talking wine or beer here, but the real hard stuff.
In my own boozing days, I could do two, three bottles of wine a night no problem, but one sip of whisky would be too much. For someone to be downing it 'like apple juice' is some serious shit.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/08/2014 10:53

"I am (perhaps again naively) hoping that this is the beginning of something that can be turned around, that if I deal with it early enough, I will be able to stop it turning into a total train wreck".

That will not happen I am sorry to say, he is already a train wreck and you and your child are now being dragged down with him. That is what is happening here now.

The 3cs re alcoholism are ones you would do well to remember now:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

The last two in particular are hard to accept but you have to. Also like many alcoholics he is in complete denial of his alcohol problem I doubt also very much that you will get much if any support from his mother because she will choose her own family loyalties over you.

I would certainly talk to Al-anon and get outside real life support for your own self.

He may well love you in his own way but his primary relationship now is with drink. Alcohol is a cruel mistress and alcoholism is a family disease.

Staying within this is not an option for you or your child going forward; he will just lurch from one crisis to another with you being swept along in it playing out the co-dependent, provoker or enabling roles to perfection. Its no life for you or your baby; baby does not need a drunkard for a father and will not thank you for staying with him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/08/2014 10:55

Also the only person who can address this properly is him and he does not want to. He may well go onto lose everything and still choose to drink afterwards. He neither wants your help and or support; you are too close to the situation to be of any help to him and besides which he does not want your help.

You can only help your own self here.

MyDHhasnomemory · 13/08/2014 11:00

I have been where you are and I hate to tell you, it got a lot worse. You can't make an alcoholic reconsider their drinking unless they decide to. When he says he agrees with you he is lying to pacify you. I'm sorry to be blunt.

Get help from AlAnon. Friends can support you too but not all people understand the problems with drinking. Decide what you want and what you can live with. Best of luck.

TellMeImWrong · 13/08/2014 11:10

Thanks all. This has been very hard to hear and in a way I think I'm still in denial, too. I just don't want to think about all the ramifications of it all.

OP posts:
MyDHhasnomemory · 13/08/2014 11:42

Yes, totally understandable. My GP offered me counselling at one point, regarding H's drinking. It's a hard path for everyone close to an alcoholic.

kaykayblue · 13/08/2014 11:47

I was watching a stand up show of Robin Williams yesterday, and he talks about alcoholism in that (he used to be an alcoholic).

I thought a great line from that was:

"Some people like to call themselves a functioning alcoholic. Yeah....it's a bit like being a paraplegic lap dancer. You can do it, but not as good as the others really....".

But jokes aside, I'm afraid that you are in no way overreacting. Your husband sounds like a pretty severe alcoholic if anything. Hiding his drinking is a huge indicator of a problem. Slurring his words in the evening, denying that he's been drinking....none of that is normal.

There have been many threads like this since I joined Mums net, and I have to say that I haven't seen any of them end up with the husband sober and happy.

What normally happens is the husband agrees to stop drinking for a while. Then he starts getting angry at his spouse for being "controlling" and not allowing him to drink. So he starts drinking again - firstly because there is an excuse "I had a really bad day at work, so fuck off I'm having a drink" or "I can't stand you whinging, I'm a grown man and will do as I want, I'm having a drink".

Then it slopes back to how it was before.

HippyDippyDooDaa · 13/08/2014 14:37

I can't offer you any help other than to agree with what the others have said! I could've written your post two years ago.
DH has always been a heavy drinker, like the rest of his family, but things came to a head in September 2012 when I discovered "secret drinking" and DH syphoning money (that we didn't have) to spend on booze. I asked him to stop, he didn't.
In October 2012, I asked him to leave, he moved in to his parents. The first evening, his dad took him to the pub to cheer him up! Eventually he was assured he'd stopped drinking so he moved home.
As the pp said he then became angry at me for "making him give up drinking"; he says that he only has a couple to be social so I'm being unreasonable and controlling, then he starts drinking again. This cycle has repeated itself three times now, although I haven't asked him to leave again. We have no relationship as a couple any more, I resent him too much and he's not interested. To be honest, I wish he'd never moved back. Next time I ask him to leave it will be for good so I need to be sure, it's such a big step to take when their are children involved.
I used to think that our children and marriage would be enough to make him stop, that I could support him to give up. Now I know he will always love beer more and I either accept this or leave Sad Sad

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/08/2014 15:31

"I'm being unreasonable and controlling"

That's another standard in the 'Alcoholism For Dummies' handbook. It's not them with a problem, it's you being a miserable killjoy (controlling nag, unreasonable, blah, blah). If you dare suggest they cut it down a bit you instantly become some kind of starchy authoritarian 'nanny' figure to lie to and sneak booze past. Pathetic

DaisyBD · 13/08/2014 15:53

Forget what he says or does - he'll be talking nonsense anyway and won't be fully in control of what he does, he'll say one thing and do another. People in the grip of addiction are liars and cheats. You have to decide FOR YOU what you want to do - as a pp said, it's tolerate or leave. I would suggest al-anon, they will help you FOR YOU and not for him. He can't make any rational choices anyway.

It doesn't matter whether it's whisky or wine, three bottles or one glass - if it's a problem it's a problem, labels don't matter. Remember that you didn't cause this, you can't control it and you certainly can't control it.

TellMeImWrong · 13/08/2014 19:29

Once again thanks everyone for your kind words and for taking the time to reply to my op and discuss your own experiences. It really is much appreciated.

I have an update.

DH came home early from work today. He apologised and admitted that yes, he was an alcoholic. He had already been to see the community drug and alcohol service (I think he said it had been renamed something else, can't remember what), for an initial consultation. He is waiting for a follow up appointment. He has been advised to gradually reduce his drinking, rather than quit cold turkey, due to medical complications that could arise. We ar going to take strict measurements and take a very close eye on his drinking from now on.

He has also agreed to "come out" to friends and family, starting with his mum at the weekend. I am very proud of him for being brave enough to admit he has a problem and that he needs support, it's a complete turnaround from last night and I know it can take quite some time for people to admit they have a problem.

We have a long journey ahead of us, but I feel much better knowing that we are at least on the path.

OP posts:
DameEdnasBridesmaid · 13/08/2014 19:44

You need to go to Alanon OP, by helping yourself you will learn to recognise where you have been joining in the game (whether you realise it or not).

His words are not enough, he will know what to say to you so you believe him. Alcoholics are manipulative, devious and cunning. They often say and do the right things to "get family off their back".

Help yourself OP - it is the only way. (My DH is a recovering alcoholic)

tribpot · 13/08/2014 19:53

The very rapid and complete change of heart seems extremely convenient. When did he make this appointment with the drug and alcohol service? What is the regimen for reducing his drinking to zero? For how long has he been advised to abstain from alcohol completely? Is he receiving counselling? Does he have any paperwork from the appointment he has had?

Whether or not he chooses to go to AA, you might benefit from the sister organisation, Al Anon. You need to realise that you cannot control his alcohol intake, only he can do that.

He should also go to his GP so that his liver function can be checked.

I hope this sudden turnaround is successful but at the moment I don't think you have the full picture.

irnbru22 · 13/08/2014 19:55

I am the daughter of a recovering alcoholic and the niece of a an alcoholic who eventually died because of it. You're husband is definitely an alcoholic. The one thing I learned though AA and personal experiences is that an alcoholic will only stop drinking when THEY want to. No amount of goading or prodding will help. And it will cause untold pain and misery to everyone around them. I'm really sorry I would never wish this on anyone.

juliascurr · 13/08/2014 20:01

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

you didn't cause it
you can't control it
you can't cure it

my mother was alcoholic

YOU CANNOT CONTROL IT
but you can control YOUR life
xx

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