OH family have issues with me...how to remain positive and 'nice'

[goldsilver]

Before I met my OH family, he was always saying how they would love me, how close knit they all were, etc, etc.
Then I met them...
They have ignored me, made fun of me, talked about my OH's ex ("They were always holding hands, so shocked they broke up" type thing) bullied me, argued with me and last time OH sister said she thought we may not be compatible because I suffer from a mental health problem and have a cat! Wtf? My mental health problem actually hasn't affected our relationship (Or my cat!) and it wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't the fact that then, his sister declared she was having an affair with a married man (and she is married too!). And her poor husband was at the event. Then she went on about OH's last relationship and how they were all over each other! His family totally lack sensitivity and respect. I'm sure the stork flew in when it comes to my OH as he is the opposite to his family!
You know the Royle family on telly? They are a bit better than that.
My OH and I are in love and not having an affair.
His previous marriage lasted for over 10 years and the family don't like her because she left him for another man that she was having an affair with.
My OH is totally against affairs and his sister having one doesn't sit well with him yet she wants his approval!
There have always been reasons why we have to keep going up to see his family. Sadly, he has only met my aunt and uncle and very very briefly my brother. I am trying to change this, but we stay with his Dad and I actually lose weight when we go! It is untidy, dirty and I get stressed, don't sleep. I go for him and him only. Its almost as if my OH hasn't realised how bad his family are till I came along! They even seem to think I'm too good looking for him! I don't, I don't have a great self image and it should all be in the heart anyway.
OH is disappointed in the way they behave but he hardly says anything to them, doesn't want to upset them (but yeah, its okay for me to be upset!). He tries to say the odd thing here and there.
We are meant to be going yet again next month for his niece's birthday. Course, I don't really want to go, although ironically, his niece is the loveliest person in the family, with the sweetest nature.
Advice from you lovely ladies would be appreciated, especially as am very stressed right now...I am on my third day of giving up smoking...ahhh!
Thank you

Stand up for yourself. If you don't like staying with his family, don't stay. If you don't feel welcome at a party, don't go to the party. If they say hurtful things, tell them where to get off. If he does see there's anything wrong, tell him that he's being spineless and you're losing respect for him. Rock the boat and stick up for yourself. Be assertive rather than stressing, losing weight and suffering because you think you have to be nice

How long have you been together?

What Cogito said. You have no reason at all to be "nice" in the face of such dreadful behaviour.

Hi CogitoErgoSometimes...you are right with what you say but what I forgot to mention is that as well as stressing, etc, I have also been assertive, I have rocked the boat a bit through being assertive and I have told my OH he is spineless for not saying more! I can be quite feisty and I suppose they don't like that either...lol. Guess all that's left now is simply not going...

Yes, I agree Frenchfemme...never met a family like it. Quite odd that OH thinks so much of them and for me to criticise them to him is wrong apparently. We have only been together a year.

If you've only been together a year, he's spineless and he doesn't stick up for you or accept they're doing anything wrong then he doesn't sound much of a catch it could be things have run their course. Most people come with a bit of baggage but life's far too short to deal with this kind of rubbish. I've certainly ditched boyfriends for less...

I think you need to sit him down and say "I don't like the way they treat me. I don't like the fact that you let them. I don't see us being together into the future if you aren't prepared to stand up to them when they talk to me like that." and see whether he is prepared to change his behaviour.

If not, then frankly I don't think he's a keeper. He can't help the way they are, but he can decide whether he thinks its ok for them to treat his partner like that and what he does about it.

Why has he spent so little time with your family?

Thank you. I appreciate all you have said, it echoes what I was thinking. OH is the definite non confrontational type. He accepts people for what they are, is a very nice person but sometimes I can't help but think he isn't strong enough (for me). They were there for him when his ex wife left him and he was heartbroken and I suppose he doesn't want to upset them. Yet, he runs the risk of losing me. His best mate told me I shouldn't go on about it, cos it just puts pressure on my OH, should just be the bigger person and ignore them and I should just think of each trip as like 'oh how exciting, what will happen/will they say this time'?! But I don't think so. I think the way they've behaved sucks and that my OH should say something to them, and that it shouldn't just be me standing up to them.

Twinklestein, its my family...my parents are a little strange and don't behave like other people. Everything has to be by appointments and arranged many months in advance! Plus, we would never stay with them as my mother couldn't cope. I come with baggage too but try and deal with it as best as I can.

I think there had to be an element of sucking it up for your OHs sake. Although you don't have to visit ever time your OH does. I would let the small stuff slide and ignore the chat about the ex but I would call them out on direct attacks to both you and your cat "did you mean to be rude?" Etc.

People have different standards of clean and tidy so it's hard to know how bad his dads house is. How is the dad you didn't really mention him? I just wonder if he could be a possible ally as you have him on your own from time to time.

Hello Lucked, thank you for your message. Yes, his Dad is a possible ally. I should have mentioned him. He just accepts me and is happy we are together, always asks after me, etc. So that is positive :-) Thank you

I was going to suggest booking into a nearby B&B or Travelodge rather than staying with your FiL but if he's nice to you it might be worth putting up with his standards and taking lots of wipes with you

Although you might want to stand your corner I'd be inclined to smile enigmatically and head tilt a lot, that way you don't give the aggressors anything much to work on.

I would have said your OH should be more proactive in sticking up for you but if that's unlikely to happen because he's just not made that way, then I'd definitely just avoid his family as much as you can and not rise to their bait when you have to be in their company.
Concentrate on being happy with OH, that's what counts most.
My inlaws weren't that keen on me but by the same token neither me nor my OH were keen on them either

Sorry but if your OH aint got your back over this will he have your back over anything that matters to you?

Yes, you see, Jan45, that's the way I'm leaning, but want to do what enriquetheringbearinglizard suggests...but would always be thinking that he lacks the necessary guts. Being happy with him is what counts the most...I'm just trying to work out if I could be happy with someone who may not always stand up for me! I mean, he hardly has so far...a bit, don't get me wrong, but he hasn't really been bold enough. He isn't like that and of course, we can't expect a man to change...

Well it's either one or the other and neither are good qualities.

1. He prioritises his families feelings over yours

or

1. He genuinely is unable to actually voice an opinion which others may not like.

are you thinking of family in the long term? children? Because these problems will rocket massively if you have a baby, probably.

At that point you will need your OH to stand up for you. If it comes to the crunch, who will he choose, them or you?

Why would you want to be positive and nice to people who treat you like shit ? There's really no reason for you to have contact with these people. If you wouldn't put up with this off a friend , there's really no reason to give these people special privileges simply because they're related to your boyfriend.

I don't understand why people put up with awful behaviour from family members when they wouldn't stand for it for a minute from strangers.
If they are rude to you, show you are pissed off, call them out on it, go on the attack don't just take it.
You really don't have to spend time with unpleasant people - you have choices.