Has anyone lost part of their own family in your divorce?

[SoSoHappy2]

And if so, how do you deal with it?

I left my husband last year after almost 23 years together. We met when we were16 so I understand he is a big part of their lives. My eldest brother is 12 years older than me. And his wife and children who I was so close to and did everything for, have chosen my ex husband over me.

My ex was emotionally absolve, very jealous, controlling and possessive but I never told anyone.

Because of the way he treated me I have zero self esteem and part of my family choosing him and being willing to cut me out so easily is just reinforcing the feelings that I'm worthless.

The reason they cut me out is because I met someone else very quickly after I left my ex and moved to be with him. As my ex and I were splitting up he made me promise not to take our son away from him. Out son is now nearly 18 and it kills me that he doesn't live with me.

How do I get through this? Everytime I think I'm doing ok, something else will happen and it feels like a knife in the heart

I think the problem you have is that you are protecting your ex's secret by not telling anyone and damning yourself in the process. So, from the outside, all your family are seeing is a woman who abandons both husband and teenage son for someone new. This view will be supported by your ex, no doubt, if he is the manipulative bullying type. You know it's not the truth but how is your family to know different if you say nothing?

I think you need to talk to your brother. Lay it all out there - the full horrendous truth, exaggerated if you have to - and give them the opportunity to realise they've made a big mistake. Your son is a man, can make his own choices and presumably is very well aware of his father's behaviour towards you?

I couldn't tell anyone what was happening while we were married and even after I left initially. It's only because of my new partner made me feel safe enough to tell him that I did. He gave me the courage to tell them, so I emailed my brother and his wife, told them everything that went on and they still don't care.

My son actually has no idea about my relationship with his father. We never argued in front of him, and I always did what I was supposed to do to not rock the boat.

This happened to a friend of mine.

Mainly because, like the pp said, she kept quiet about the years of abuse.

Her ex didn't feel the same need to keep quiet when talking about her faults and took great pleasure in isolating her and making even her own family turn against her.

She finally told them the full horror of the abuse and now none of her family speak to her ex.

But her relationship with her family is strained because she finds it difficult to completely forgive them for doing that to her at her most vulnerable, when she needed them most.

She is doing her best to put it behind her but it's difficult.

HTH