Inlaws trying to shove the knife in and end our marriage, help please

[Vodkapleasenownownow]

Long time lurker and have moved this from AIBU as I think here might be better
Have major problems with hubby, we are on the verge of spitting up (we have a two year old son if that is at all relevant)

SIL adopted more then three years ago as a single mum. Adoption went through and she now has a six year old son

It has got so bad between me and hubby that I have moved out but we had agreed this Morning to talk

I go to house to find him raging. He said that his mum and dad told him last night that someone had wrote an anonymous letter to the adoption agency saying that SIL would be an unfit mother and listed the reasons why. Apparently they all decided then and there is must have been my mother but have waited till now to tell hubby and I. And hubby believes them as things where apparently in the letter that SIL has discussed with family and I must have blabbed these back to my mum.

Now a few things are making me soooooo mad
Why wait till me and hubby are on the rocks to bring this up three years later
They have always been polite and pleasant to my mum including neon at the wedding of my cousin last weekend when they sat next to my mum and dad and talked to them all night. Could you really be like this with someone that you honestly thought had nearly ruined their daughters change of having a child?
My inlaws are known to tell everyone everything about them including bowel problems and depression so I have no doubt that others would have this info
My mum is the least technology savvy person in the world at the time she had no printer and could only log on with help (letter was typed)
I know my mum she would not have done this and I have told hubby that but he says they still all think it was her

WTF do I do

Sadly, I don't think there is anything you can do. He doesn't believe you and he doesn't trust you.

I think all you can do is defend your family. If your DH wants to go off on some accusatory kick on the strength of what sounds like zero proof other than gossip then he must have a motive for doing so. What's the relationship been like up to this point? All sweetness and light or have there been difficulties? Is he prone to 'raging'? Have there been other examples where he has sided with his family over you?

Another thought.... how come his parents were at the wedding of your cousin? Do you all live in very close proximity? Some sort of 'tight-knit community' set-up?

He always defends his family all the time

My inlaws where at the night do of my cousin because my FIL happens to work with him. Total coincidence.

Then you need to have a pretty stern conversation about loyalty. It's OK to defend his own family, it's not OK to attack yours (and vice versa of course). If he had any suspicions that your DM is at the bottom of a three year-old anonymous letter then a civil and tactful conversation with you is the way forward. There is never any justification for 'raging'. Do you rage about his family? Is there any sense that you do not feel accepted by his family?

He doesn't trust you. No trust=no relationship.
He will chose his poisonous family over you every time.
Do you want this for your future ?

Where is letter... has anyone actually seen it?

Insist on seeing it for yourself, otherwise it doesn't exist.

"It has got so bad between me and hubby that I have moved out"

Is this purely on the strength of this letter business or is there a much bigger back story?

Well this sounds like bollocks.

Firstly: Does this letter even exist?

Secondly: It's from THREE YEARS AGO. Why the fuck is it being brought up now?

Thirdly: The SIL has already successfully completed the adoption - so really, why the fuck does anyone care about this supposed letter anyway?

Fourthly: Do they have any evidence that it came from a member of your family? Any whatsoever? Because otherwise that's hearsay and - potentially - slander.

To be honest, he sounds like a complete prick. Imagine getting so angry about something that hasn't been proved, happened years ago, and had no affect on his sister anyway.

He sounds unhinged.

I think he knows it's BS but is using it as a tool to move your break up forward. I had a bf once accuse me of flirting with someone at a party and dump me that night - when we talked (months later) he admitted he hadn't been happy, wanted to split but 'just couldn't find the words to break my heart' so instead manufactured a screaming row in front of all our mutual friends and dumped me in public. Which was nice.

If you think that is what is going on here, then there's nothing you can do to defend your DM, I'm afraid.

I think you should tell him that this is bs and furthermore you broke this is just an excuse for him to justify the breakup of his family to himself. It just stinks of a man in search of a shoddy justification for letting his wife and son down. If he wants out, he should have the guts to be honest. Don't engage on it anymore, keep saying it's ridiculous and you refuse to argue about it anymore.

Suggest going on Jeremy Kyle for a lie detector test. That will shock them all into submission

It's not the letter why we where on the brink of Splitting up. Since our child came along things have been very tense and we have been argueing and nick picking with faults on both sides.
His parents choose to bring up this letter business after our worst argument yet

Then this letter and the accusations etc sound like he's trying to pour petrol on the fire. You're in that miserable, angry state relationships sometimes get to where every minor grievance gets hauled out .... 'and another thing...!!' Sometimes it's even engineered as a way to get rid of the old and usher in a new partner. I don't know if both of you see a future together but would strongly suggest you take a massive step back, leave each other alone for a while and allow things to properly calm down

I have actually spoken to a solicitor this morning and she said it is slander and my inlaws could be taken to court. If my mum wanted to take this forward then the solicitor would apply to see the letter and social services would have to give it up.
Another thing that's gets me as they have said they knows its a member close to the family as "terminology" was used that had been discussed within the family so that means this "terminology" was discussed with me and DH, I then blabbed this "terminology" to my mum and she wrote this "terminology" down in a letter.
Anyone else thing it's almost impossible for exact words to pass though three different people and still remain the same (Chinese whispers and all that).

I have offered to sit down with my inlaws and discuss this like adults but funny enough they have refused!!!

I also offered to take my Dh to ask my mum outright if it was her- that was declined as well!!!

I think the letter is a distraction quite honestly and I also think the solicitor is not giving you good advice. Slander cases are not at all straightforward but you can spend a lot of money to find that out. For a start, what they said would have had to materially damage your DM's reputation in some significant & tangible way. e.g. affect her standing in the community or her job prospects. You don't start a slander case on the basis of a 'he said, she said' spiteful conversation.

Suggest you save your cash, skip straight to the divorce and make sure you get a fair settlement.

I have not told my mum as I know my dad would go round straight away, knock on the door and demand they say it to him, closely followed by my two big brothers.

These are meant to be intelligent people, I was so mad a first and still am very mad but a big part of me wants to burst out laughing that someone could be that dumb to say

"Oh this letter was wrote, annoymous, three years ago, oh it must be daughter in laws mum" do they realise how stupid and petty they would look if it ever gets out.

And they have such a big opinion of themselves to think my mum would actually- A) give a shit.
B) get someone to log on to a computer for her because at the time she could not do this, go somewhere to print it out and she would have had to get someone to do this for her as well (she did not even have a printer at the time) so she would have had to have risked others finding out she was doing this
C) think my mum thinks they are actually worth the price of a stamp!!!

Believe you me my mum made up her mind that they were totally false, self centred Aresholes very soon after meeting and she really could not give a shit what they do.

Or if this letter even exists- do we think it would have been someone who knows how to use a computer at the time and actually had a printer.

And would my inlaws have been so nice and friendly to my parents all this time if they really thought this was the case. If I thought someone had hurt my child in this way I would not want to be near them never mind smile, chat and even suggest meeting up for lunch with the person who had done it.

No they saw a potential chance to get rid of me and took it without thinking how stupid and two faced they would look.

I don't think she would go for slander again as I said she really could not give a shit what they think. but it would be interesting to get hold of this "letter"

Another thing they have said is they have not seen this letter, bits of it where read out to them by the social worker!!!

I might have read it wrong but it seems that you only have your estranged husband's say-so that a conversation about a letter took place at all. Please work out your husband's real motives for insulting your family & making you this angry. My bet is that he wants you to tell him it's over.

I second cogs advice. I think they all are using this as a tool to end the marriage. In all this time can you say your husband doesn't know your mother enough to know she wouldn't do it?

I think he has been discussing your relationship with them and they are sipping them selves in to a frenzy about how awful you and your family are.

Don't bother telling your mum. Don't bother fighting with him over this. It sounds as if he wants it.

Good luck!