Angry, disgusted, raging

[Lookingforabetteryear]

So I left my ex ea partner 4 months ago. We have a 7 month old dc. He also has a dc from previous relationship. When I was pregnant he was agressive, manipulative, nasty, abusive etc. he said he was depressed etc ( it was his get out of a tricky situ card, as baby was unplanned), anyway we split. He's now living the life of Riley, just rang his phone which rang as as if he was abroad ( which would be third summer holiday abroad this year). He constantly saying I'm withholding access to dc which I am not. I'm disgusted!!!!!!

Was as

Detach detach detach!! He's not worth it!!

I know. You are right. I just get mad- in here looking after baby 24/7, no social life, no mobey,no freedom and he's there taking holidays.

I had the exact same experience!! You HAVE to detach because a) if you don't you will only end up harming yourself and your DC, and b) being irreproachable and detached will be of benefit to you and piss him right off!!

Your right, I know! So hard tho

One day your baby won't be a baby. You'll have a social life, a bit more money in your pocket, a little more freedom.... and a child/teen/young person that loves you, involves you in their life and appreciates what you did for them. Aside from a few holiday photos, what will he have?

Yes cogito you're right. I just despise him and I'm sleep deprived and angry to add to it. I fear he may have got back with ex who he has other child with which makes me even angrier. It's awful what hurt can do. He's a bad person, I must remember thT.

It doesn't help that your DC are still so young, but as others said it all gets easier (especially when the twunt isn't around!)
It doesn't hurt to vent though (as long as you do it on here, never to him!)

It's not hard (well it is a little). You make a decision to do it. And then you do it.

I did it. You just focus on the baby and it's like he doesn't exist. Don't chase him, don't think about him, don't phone him.

Just do it.

Well I find it hard, therefore it is. It may not be for you.

It is hard. I brought up my DS on my own until he was 8 with very little money and I didn't have a social life either. No help from his Dad either financially or emotionally.

Contacting him will tear you apart because it seems like he is living a great life but, hard as it is, especially when you are exhausted, you are the one who will have a good life.

My DS is 21 now, he has nothing but respect for me and we are very close. He doesn't remember the times we struggled, he remembers a happy childhood and that means more to me than anything. At times, I was lonely, sad and desperate but my DS never knew that.

If you can't go out in the evenings, could you have some friends round to you instead? Maybe each of them bring some snacks and you have a great night in?

I'm 11 years on from this situation and it does get easier. Dc grow up a bit and you have more freedom. The time passing dulls the anger a bit.

When we first split up he pleaded poverty (no maintenance, csa couldn't do anything as he got paid cash) and he then went on holiday to Thailand for a month every 3 months.

I've had one holiday in 11 years and he's been to Peru, Mexico, Australia, so many other places - none of them with dd. He does pay maintenance now- less than he should however. And he is now remarried as am I. He now lives in the USA, has a yacht and flys everywhere. Dd spends half the summer holidays with him. I just have to enjoy the fact she gets to enjoy his money with him then. For years he only saw her 2 hours a week if that!

Try to focus on your own future and what you want to do long term. It will get easier.

I am now remarried and have a toddler son with my dh as well as dd now about to start secondary school.

Sounds good! I know I need to Try and detach.

You can't stop him taking holidays or getting back with an ex though just the same as he can't control what you do.

Like FolkGirl said, you made the decision so not it's just working through that. Once you return to work after maternity leave your contact with other adults will increase likewise your income.

Do you not yet have a regular contact day/days set up?

You don't make a decision when someone is emotionally abusive, I would understand if I just walked out on a healthy relationship with a healthy man. No regular contact with him as he turns his phone off for days on end, does not give answers to questions and sees baby whenever he can be bothered, no routine.

No, I didn't mean that decision. I mean the decision to detach. It's not 'easy' that's probably not an accurate description, but just refuse to think about what he might be doing, or wonder what he might be doing, or wonder if he was going to contact us or whatever.

I just put up a block in my mind when it came to him and he ceased to exist. On one level anyway.

It does get better. And I'm aware that a lot of how I feel now is with a big dollop of hindsight and 16 years under my belt...

But if you don't detach it's not going to get any better. And that's the reality.

Good luck.

So what if he is having foreign holidays. He has let go of the best thing that ever came his way (you) so is not capable of getting the most out of his life.

You are with your lovely DCs, great routine without daily interferences and you set your own agendas.
Have a wonderful day.