Difficulty in a refuge

[legofansmum]

Hi have been in a refuge for a few months now. There are couple of refuges in the area we are in. The other lady we share with has been spreading lies about myself and also my child. Its really getting me down now. Its getting to the point I am having thoughts about going back home, even though its not safe. I feel so down that if I didn't have to be alive for my child I'd actually rather be dead. I hate life so much. Some people think maybe she's jealous of us. Her child has bullied mine yet she wont accept it. Mine is too scared to enter the communal areas so we have to stay in our room or go out all the time. She is texting residents at the other property about us and also saying things thst aren't true. Im not a bad person and ive tried so hard to be nice yet get treated like dirt. Feel like we have no life anymore

Feel so utterly miserable and an awful mum as my child is unhappy at the refuge and too scared to return home.

Oh sweetheart that sounds horrible. Could you speak to the refuge staff and ask for a transfer ?

Please don't go home.

What are the support staff doing about this? Are they aware?

They are aware but I hate causing a scene. The woman is really devious and her lies scare me. Every day im there I hate waking up. I like everyone wlse there including the staff its just the woman and her son. The other house is nearly full. Myself and son are away for a few days on a charity funded holiday. My son was crying this morning, he doesnt want to return and I dont blame him as I feel the same.

Are you eligible your council housing ? Leaving a domestic violence situation in my area would put you at the top of the list.

You've had the courage to escape one abusive relationship and I think this is an opportunity, not to 'make a scene', but to assert yourself so that you don't fall foul of another. Please talk to the staff, tell them how unhappy you are and push for an accommodation solution for yourself and your son.

Good luck

Absolutely you need to NOT return ... the place you left was no longer your home .. and admittedly you haven't found your new home yet but it will come.
Can you get an urgent transfer? You must must must complain assertively about this woman. This is in itself an abusive relationship and totally needs to be dealt with by staff. You did it already, now do it again ... you can, you really can ...

It is likely the other woman has problems to but that is no excuse for making you feel so bad. Tell the support worker and ss that you cannot stay in that situation and how it is making you and your ds feel.

You're being bullied. You need to write it all down and give it to the member of staff you trust most. They won't let it go on....you or she will be moved elsewhere.

Also what are their plans for your long term housing? Are you or a keyworker in touch with the council or housing association?

Thanks we are on the list but there's a huge shortage of housing. Im hoping some more properties are added tothe bidding system this week. Im dreading returnreturning in a couple of days. Want to enjoy our little break but the fear of returning to lies and bullying scares me. I feel awful that I can't give my son the life he deserves. :'(

Can you talk with the staff/someone before you return? Explain to them the seriousness of the problem and that it's so bad you've contemplated going back to hell?

and you absolutely WILL give your son and yourself the life you both deserve ... your strength of will comes through in your words even though you're cringing a bit ... you will deal with this and you will get your lives back

Bullies are often cowards and count on other people not making a scene. What do you think will happen if you do cause a scene?

You could tell her you understand she needs to feel better about herself but she should seek help and not do it at other people's expense. Preferably loud.

Thanks so much everyone. I think I'll ring tomorrow. I tried this afternoon but couldn't get through. I feel so rude and ungrateful as I understand we are lucky to have a place in a refuge when there are such shortages. Im not a nasty person I just want to keep the peace and give my son a quiet, happy and fun life.

Just ignore her. If you see her and she greets you, smile vaguley, say hi and go somewhere else saying "Just off to make a call" in a breezy voice. if people gossip to you, suddenly remember that you need to do soemthign urgently but NEVER listen to them.

You are not being rude or ungrateful to complain.

Perhaps that woman doesn't even recognise that she is mimicking the kind of behaviour she may have been subjected to herself. It's sad but you must not tolerate it and you have the back-up now. Make them sort it!

You have a right to a joyous peaceful life. Lweji's post was very astute.

You more than most are in a position to appreciate that the only way to get a quiet, happy and fun life is to stand up to bullies. It's good for your self-respect and also a good example for children.

Thanks, shes very good at complaining all the time about everything. Sh doesnt seem to realise that all of us have had difficult times and so have our children. All we all hear is 'poor her child. ' I am normally a very caring and understanding person but im finding it very difficult especially when she is so unkind about us. I always make sure im polite to her, bought her son a birthday card and present, lent her things, told of a game in the charity shop her DS wanted and picked it up for her yet still have all this crap.
Getting so depressing hiding in our bedroom all the time (no tv due to licensing but have dvd combi) or being out all the time.

It's her problem but you are suffering from it.If it makes you feel better it's not about you none of is it.She is miserable and in a crisis her default setting is to cause drama so she gets attention.She has probably been doing it her whole life she is unaware that she's doing it in any real sense.Basically making you miserable to make herself feel better and more in control.It sounds like she's winning at the moment because she's got you isolated and vulnerable and doubting yourself(does this remind you of anything) It will escalate if you carry on avoiding her because she is not going to get what she needs from the relationship.So the best and only course of action is to speak again to your key worker Try to maintain a cool I m really not bothered facade up and get your self on a recovery workshop.This will teach you some strategies for dealing with people like her going forwards.I am certain that the staff are aware of what she is up to.They will have seen it all before.Have you thought about moving out of area for housing or asking to be moved to an out of area refuge for a fresh start.

There was a thread a while ago where someone was almost exactly in your position. It got better when the pp did report the other woman (or the workers couldn't really do anything) and confronted her assertively.

Don't hide away, but don't give your time to her either. Keep a polite distance and coolness and get on with your life.
If her DC bully yours, then report it.