I want to start by saying that you should be proud that your daughter is comfortable enough with you to come out at this (relatively) young age (average age for coming out is older), and that I think it is brilliant that you and your husband care so much to try and make this easy for her.
This is a little long, but I hope it is helpful in terms of helping you. I was aware I was into women at 15. I am now mid 30s. Other people define me as bisexual (I have been in serious relationships with both men and women), but I have never been comfortable with this definition. I don’t really define (and I am comfortable with this), but others are very desperate to align me to some sort of definition.
I think you and your husband may want to think about and educate yourself on the following issues. I gave a call around my friends and have done this from the perspective of what we would have most liked and wanted from our parents. My friends come from varying backgrounds of acceptance from their parents. I hope it is helpful and not daunting, but I suppose as a parent I always want more information (rather than less) so I know what I am up against! I hope you take this in that spirit.
Biphobia (from gay people)
It was a shock to me when I was young that some of the worse biphobia I have had came from the gay community. I know some lesbians who refuse to date any bisexuals, and are extremely fearful/rude about them. This comes down to the fear that bisexuals are simply ‘experimenting’ with women and then they will go off with a man (and the prior relationship with the woman will simply be reduced to a ‘phase’).
It is important that you teach your daughter about how to communicate honestly and transparently about what she wants. There is nothing wrong with wanting a casual relationship, but this needs to be communicated clearly, as she is much more susceptible to bi-bashing because of the assumptions others have raised about bisexuals being indecisive/ greedy/ selfish etc. You also don’t want your daughter to hurt others, and I know myself and many other women who have been badly hurt by a girl who later decided it was only an ‘experimentation’.
I agree with the other comments about consent in gay relationships. There is a widespread myth that control/ domestic violence doesn’t happen in lesbian relationships but it does, and your daughter needs education on that as much as in relationships she will have with men. Also, as Caramelkate commented, the risks aren’t just pregnancy and STIs. You should be aware, for example, that in a serious relationship with a girl, their hormones and cycles will sync up, meaning that a broken heart takes on a whole new painful, hormonally enjoined agony! Couple this with the ‘lesbian urge to merge’, the intensity of someone having the same body and gender as you (they understand you), and you will have a daughter in very intense pain. All break-ups are very painful, but if you talk to bisexual and lesbian women they often will describe break-ups with women as ‘worse’, ‘more intense’ and ‘more painful’.
Biphobia/ Homophobia from straight people
I think your daughter would appreciate you educating yourself as much as possible about gay issues and homophobia as she will be unable to avoid it. Some problems include:
o Butch/ femme and masculine/feminine – being forced into one of these definitions
o When dating a woman being asked ‘so which one is the man?’
o Random strangers thinking it is appropriate to ask about her sex life, and ‘what lesbians really do in bed’?
o People asking questions about lesbians in porn, and assuming this is what your daughter does in bed
o Men thinking it is acceptable to ask for a threesome, and that your daughter’s relationships with women are about them (If I had a penny for every time I had been asked for a threesome I’d be so rich!)
o Men threatening to ‘corrective rape’ your daughter or her girlfriend. This happens a lot and is terrifying
o Men threatening or actually beating bi and lesbian women up. This is more avoidable if the women involved are more ‘feminine’, but you should discuss what to do if they are in a group and one of their friends gets picked on
o People accusing her of being promiscuous/ selfish/ greedy/ indecisive/ ‘haven’t met the right man yet’
o People thinking it is acceptable to foist homophobic comments on her – ‘lesbians shouldn’t be able to have children’/ ‘gay marriage shouldn’t be allowed’/ ‘all gay people are promiscuous and spread HIV and STIs’/ it’s not a proper marriage/ parenting without a man
o Discussion with your daughter should include how to keep herself and her friends safe and how to support her friends with these issues
o If your daughter finally settles down with a woman then she will become to a lot of people ‘a lesbian’. If your daughter finally settles down with a man she will become to a lot of people ‘straight’. Her bi-identity will be denigrated and this is upsetting
o A lot of straight women now go to gay clubs/ venues, because generally things are more open, but also straight women have gay friends. Straight boys have realised this, so now you get straight men going to gay clubs hoping to pick up women. But some of these men are very misogynist and homophobic and won’t take ‘no’ for an answer. Your daughter should not assume she is safe from straight male assault because she is in a gay club (although they can feel safer because they have a very different vibe to straight venues)
Defining lesbian sex/ sex with women
I would open up a conversation with your daughter (when you deem her ready) about what she thinks lesbian sex is and how it can be defined. There are multiple definitions amongst lesbians, and she should think about her own definition and how to negotiate discussions about this with other women. For example, does it include: oral sex (not all lesbians like this as is assumed!), orgasm, fingering, fisting, love, grinding etc. I would also talk to her about porn and assumptions that come from that. For example, I do not know a single lesbian/ bisexual woman who does scissoring (have you seen the impossible angles!), yet this is often the primary act for two women in porn!
(It’s lame but) ‘The Joy of Lesbian sex’ is usually a good start for both you and your daughter.
I would also have a conversation about how to deal with teenage (and older) boys who learn about sex from porn, and think that: ‘it’s all about the penis and penetration’, all lesbian couples are there for male entertainment, anything women enjoy is denigrated to ‘foreplay’. As a teenager negotiating relationships for the first time, this really made me cry as I had some brilliant experiences with women, which then boyfriends told me I was frigid/abnormal for wanting a sexual relationship that didn’t only consist of penetration.
Also, your daughter will encounter differences in self-definition and complexities around behaviour, desire and identity. Some people will be very political about their identity and choices, some people will refuse to define, some people change their minds – all this is fine, but your daughter will need help negotiating these differences with respect and understanding
So key things for your daughter are: how to communicate her needs in relationships, how to deal with biphobia and homophobia, how to respect other’s choices in terms of self-definition, how to support other friends in these challenges, safe sex in straight, bisexual and lesbian relationships (there are differences and each brings it’s own challenges)
‘The scene’/ not liking ‘the scene’
Some people like the gay clubbing/pubbing scene, some don’t. When I was young this was the only way to meet gay people, but this is now changing a lot. You only have to look at ‘meet up’ to see that you can now go to all kinds of events – knitting, reading groups, walking groups – to meet LGBT people. Young people want to fit in, but it is fine and good for them to find their own identity/ likes/ dislikes – they may feel pressure to like the ‘scene’ but there are many other ways! Key message for your daughter is: whoever is she is fine, and she will find groups and people who will love her for who she is
Also, all teenagers will be offered drugs whether straight or gay, but you might want to talk to your daughter about poppers, which are available for free (like candy) in gay venues and presented as ‘no big deal’ but are still a drug. Also, same applies about so-called ‘legal highs’, which are so easily available everywhere.
Gay culture
One of my friend’s mum was brilliant and used to watch LGBT programmes with her daughter, and they used to discuss the issues. Some examples are: Sugar Rush, Tipping the Velvet, Fingersmith, The L Word (more mature content), Lip Service (more mature content), Orange is the New Black (more mature content). There is bi-bashing in The L Word in particular from lesbian characters, but this might serve as a good discussion point between you and your daughter.
There is also gay press – Pink Paper, Diva magazine, G3 – which discuss the issues. Depending on the maturity of your daughter – see Autostraddle
As she gets older – Sh! is a great female friendly and lesbian sex shop. In London they don’t even let men in without special permission. Your daughter might be annoyed about how the majority of dildos are shaped like penises (implying superiority of male penis, rather than sensation that is desired).
Also, you are probably aware that London, Leeds and Manchester are big gay centres, but you should also note that Brighton is the girl heaven for lesbian/ bisexual women. I got away with that when I was a teenager – my parents thinking I was going to a quiet trip to the seaside! New centres come and go so you will want to check this out when your daughter starts going on holiday with her friends ;)
My ex-girlfriend’s mum used to go to Gay Pride parade with her, decked in rainbow clothes and screaming at the top of her voice. While my ex claimed it was ‘so embarrassing’ when she was a teenager, as she got older she appreciated that level of support. I always wished my mum was that cool!
Politics
Whether or not your daughter ends up being political, she will still encounter many difficult issues that I know many straight people who have never even really thought about (!):
- HIV phobia, how the gay community is blamed for this
- STIs, how the gay community (particularly bisexuals) are blamed for this
- Trans issues/ gender identity/ sexual identity
- Masculinity/ femininity
- Cross dressing/ ‘drag kings’ and ‘drag queens’
- The importance of self-definition
- Education – problems still caused from legacy of Section 28
- Women’s issues, women-only space, feminism
The more you can find about these issues as a parent, the better a position you and your daughter will be in. It is really hard trying to explain lesbian/ bi issues to a parent and having to act as the educator, when all you want is to be mothered/ fathered.
I hope this helps!