I am looking for honest opinions and some helpful advice if possible.
My DW and I have generally been happy together throughout our relationship (or at least from my side and I have no reason to believe my DW sees things differently). However, I have not been the man I should have been. Here is why:
I was in an abusive relationship prior to meeting DW. My ex was the abusive partner. I ended up losing contact with many of my old friends as my ex wasn't happy with me going out very much and was very controlling. It also got physical with her hitting me on a few occaisions before I finally left her. The relationship lasted 3 years during which time I developed a defensive side when my ex started arguments (which she did often and for no reason). During our relationship she cheated on me at least once. Now, I know I was a fool to stay as long as I did but that is in the past...what I need help with is how it has affected my behaviour in my current relationship.
So, over the years with my DW I have not been as supportive as I should have been. We have 4 children, 2 that are from DWs previous relationship and 2 that are biologically mine. I love all of them the same and I try my best to be a good father and role model to them all (not perfect but I try).
Over the years I have not been as supportive as I should have been, which has led to DW getting angry with me and us arguing. There have been times when I have behaved unacceptably, which I think is due to my defensiveness learned in my previous relationship. These have not been numerous (4 or 5 times over a number of years) and have never been physical (never have or would) but I have certainly been very nasty and not been able to see things from DWs perspective. I do see my behaviour as a serious issue and do not want to underplay any of it. I can't bring myself to write any specifics but I have brought her to tears on those occaisions. Never called her anything horrendous or tried to belittle her but I tended to be unrelenting in the arguments and would push and push when I should have seen how it was upsetting her and stopped to really listen to her and tried to understand her (very valid) concerns.
My DW is amazing and has not left me (although I now wonder why she didn't). I now can see things more clearly and feel horrendous about the instances were I was basically a nasty human being. My priorities have always been my children and DW, but I am now trying to be less defensive and really show that I put all 5 of them before myself.
I am focussing on being supportive and will go to the end of the earth to ensure they are all provided for, supported and happy. However, I can;t help thinking my previous behaviour cannot be undone and that I don't deserve my DW. I know I need to forgive myself (DW says she forgives me) but find it really hard. For context I believe I am generally a good father (love my 4 boys and would give everything for them), I have a good job, am intelligent (logically), generous hearted, I believe DW finds me attractive and our sex life is good. If my marriage ever ended I would never badmouth DW to anybody (she is a great person), would be there for all of the DCs and would support them all financially etc.
Obviously, this is all from my perspective but I think/hope DW would agree with me.