I want to be happy on my own

[DuckedUp]

Im 32, I split up with my husband of four years a year ago. It was an emotionally abusive relationship. I started a relationship with another man a few months ago and it ended. I wrote a thread about it. He was backing off, I acted needy.

I just feel so miserable. For some reason I got straight back on to POF. I just feel like I'm becoming obsessed with men, with logging on to POF with my ex, with the man I dated, with where I went wrong. It's all I'm thinking about, it's pathetic.

I've got a lot going for me. I run my own business, I have a beautiful 2 year old, I live in a nice house, I wasn't hit with an ugly stick, I'm fit and healthy.

But I can't concentrate on anything. All I can think about is all that other stuff. I just want to learn to be happy on my own. I am keeping busy and arranging nights out with friends, but I can't be out every night and when my girl is in bed, I start thinking again.

I've just had an hour to go for a run but instead spent it on POF.

I've a date set up with a man on Friday and I don't even know if I want to go.

I need a kick up the arse! Somebody please shake me!

I don't know what POF is. You sound a bit down. You need to be happy with yourself before you start another relationship. I am not going to kick you up the arse. Have and instead

No kicking. It's natural: everybody craves connection, and the love and support that a good relationship can bring. But, as you know, mediocre relationships are worse than being single, and you can't build a strong relationship until you are able and willing to stand on your own two feet.

Your question is how to do this. Basically, by pursuing whatever makes your own life fulfilling, usually a balance between:

• taking care of your body (sports, good food, sleep),
• socialising (friends you connect with),
• expressing yourself (making, doing, creating - whatever that means to you),
• and finding time to be "in the moment". It sounds hippy dippy, but when your mind is all over the place, particularly obsessing about things (finding a partner) and introspection (why don't I have a partner and when will I get one), you're not feeling fulfilled or happy or able to use any of your potential, are you? So make time to stop and smell the roses, only notice what's actually real and present around you, don't pursue your thoughts as they pop up in your mind. Practice meditation if you find the idea attractive.

Thank you!

That's one thing I struggle with, living in the moment and enjoying what's happening at the time. I feel like I'm wasting time with my daughter. All the time looking at my phone. It's just ridiculous! How do I push thoughts out of my head?

Get yourself away from ALL dating sites and social media.

Concentrate on REAL PEOPLE in the real world. Concentrate on having fun with your child. Concentrate on doing something you like in the evenings, learn a hobby or something.

Build up a new routine.

TURN THAT BLOODY PHONE OFF.

I am in a similar position, craving excitement and attention, when I should really be recovering from two consecutive bad relationships.

The only thing that has helped is going cold turkey ie no dating sites, no chats with men, end casual contacts. Before you know it you won't be checking your phone all the time because you know there's no one to ping you.

I have found it has given me a sense of peace which I have not had for some time and I am getting some much needed headspace and devoting more attention to the dc. It's not easy but try it!

My counseller said what we need to do is thing we r afraid of , in my case being in my own , she said I have to sit in it, feel it , do it and learn how lucky I am to have time to do things for me and to really learn who I am . It was so hard but worked , at the end of each day I wd write down in a book by my bed what I did for me , what I learned and the choices that were mine . Without this I too was needy xxxx