I am coming on to get a few opinions on some things that happen during interactions between my DH and I. These are not major things, but they open a window for me onto a side of him that I have seen before and don't really like. Apologies for the length, as I don't want to be accused of drip-feeding. Some of it is also just getting the feelings out of my system.
We have been together 20+ years (got together v young) and have a DS, coming up to 5. When he was 15 months we had a crisis in our relationship where DH said that he wasn't sure about being married any more and withdrew all affection for approximately five months. He also said some quite unsupportive things during this time, about a situation over which I had very little control. We were reconciled (mostly as I was willing to put it behind us), but there have been mini crises cropping up again every so often. Last year I came to the point of having had enough and went to see a solicitor in the spring, which was really helpful - he does not know this. I also had individual counselling for about six months. Also in the spring, during a row, I told him that I was on very close to saying 'enough is enough', at which point he began crying and said that he didn't want to lose me. We moved house last year, partly as a fresh start, but at the time of buying/selling I told him that we were giving our relationship one last chance. This is also partly to give ourselves the opportunity to have a sibling for DS, although this looks unlikely to happen.
So there are issues....
. However on a day-to-day basis we rub along ok, parent together, have a moderate sex life and companionable dialogue. Affection is a bit limited and tends to be initiated by me, but I have more or less accepted that he doesn't really love me anymore - although it hurts to write that. Romantic and sexual love feels like a phase of my life that is over and on many levels (having grown apart from or been bady let down by family members) I do believe that we are all fundamentally alone in the world. Occasionally I hear a pop song with lyrics that spark a wave of longing, yearning to love and be loved....but it feels like another life. I am in my late thirties, still feel attractive and every so often I get 'the look' from a male stranger or acquaintance but...it's not worth it, where would it go? What's the point? So, given that there is just about enough residual affection and companionship between DH and I, a marriage 'of convenience' is something I am willing to accept.
However, I do still chafe against some of the things DH says and does, as they get me down a bit and I was wondering if MNers had any thoughts or suggestions.
His criticism tends to run along the theme of me 'not doing enough' and putting me in the wrong. For example, a couple of weeks ago he wanted us to do jobs A,B,C and D - these are things like getting a new passport, organising an event, some home admin...We were both doing/organising various bits of these jobs ABCD to get them done . But then he got very annoyed when I had not done job E, which was getting a refund on a small item worth 10 and began to criticise me along the lines of 'what are you doing that is so important'. If I say, well I was doing ABCD, he will then tend to mimimise my role in ABCD and come back quite aggressively along the lines of 'Well, I was doing that, do you expect me to do everything?'. He is a high earner and v articulate, so I can never, ever win an argument.
How can I fix these goalposts? I already tend to use email a lot to communicate, so that appointments etc are written down, as he often used to complain that I was trying to tell him appointments/dates at the wrong time of day eg. when he was trying to go to work, had just come home from work, was tired, was relaxing....
(I am not lazy btw, I work 0.6, commute, do most of the childcare and are currently finishing off a postgrad course. I tend to do most of the laundry and cooking, although we do have a cleaner. I think however he tends to view me as fundamentally a bit lazy, untidy and doing things 'wrong' as I do things differently to him.)
The other thing is, every so often I want to let off a tiny bit of steam, but I am never 'allowed' to....I try to be very up-beat, cheerful but sometimes if I describe what i think is an an unreasonable incident, he will often as not say that is fairly reasonable, there shouldn't have been a problem. So for example, he comes home, asks how our day has been and I begin telling him about an incident I had that day. He will say that I am 'moaning', deny that there should have been any kind of problem and repeat back what i have said in an exaggerated and huffy fashion, using a kind of pretend posh voice (I have a v. mild RP accent). The same goes for my occasional 'I'm feeling exhausted/fed up/need a cup of tea' type moments - he will often mimic me back 'Ohh, I am Soooo Taaahhhd/ 'Ahhhmm simply gahhhsping for a cup of teeeee' (falsetto Joanna Lumley type voice) etc. Is there a way to nip this in the bud?
If you are still with me, the other big one is silence. The silent treatment. If we have any kind of minor row he will give me the silent treatment for up to five days or a week, until I crack. Don't know what to do about this. To be honest, that is why I tend to avoid rows.
The thing is, it isn't all bad. We have a lovely DS, are blessed with good health, a great lifestyle, I love my job and I have just about enough time to develop my other interests. I am robust enough to take the tiny bits of rough with the smooth, most of the time. I am not ready to end the relationship, although I might do one day. But I would like any tips to tackle these particular issues in the meantime.
Thanks for reading.