Not urgent but very upsetting. Parent thread.

[StevesBollockAnalogy]

Hello, am a regular but NC for this as this is a very sensitive subject and I really don't want to be outed.

I recently-ish posted about my relationship with my parents, but I then found myself without wifi and couldn't reply. That thread triggered this realisation that I feel that while my parents don't have a preference per se, their love for me is conditional and earned whereas it is unconditional for my brother (younger). It kind of hit me all in one go that this was the root of all my anger and resentment, and I found it very traumatic. What I didn't realise is that once the initial shock was gone that I'd still feel so hurt and let down and vulnerable and inconsolable and I have no idea how to feel better. It just seems fresher than ever, I can't stop crying, I'm struggling to sleep. Huge parts of my personality are made up of this need to please and to be liked, some of the things I like best about my character are traits like generosity and empathy and kindness. Now all I can think is that the best parts of me are just a reflection of a lack of that knowledge that I was unconditionally loved by my parents.

I have spoken to my DM about this, not my DF, I think he would be extremely angry and hurt to an extent that I don't know we'd be able to repair the relationship if I did. What she said was essentially that I need to deal with it, that she doesn't have a preference for my brother or love him any more than me. Although if she did she would never admit it, certainly not under these circumstances. She asked me "What do you want me to do? What do you want me to say?" and I just don't know, I don't know what the answer is. I don't know how to repair this hole, I feel like I've been ripped open and I just can't ignore it and get on with my life as normal. And now on top of everything I was already feeling, I feel so guilty and awful that I made her feel bad and upset about her parenting when she was just doing the best she could. And how could she have known when I didn't tell her? I feel like it's my fault that I feel this way, that I've ruined everything by being over dramatic and bringing it all up and thinking about it when everything was fine just a few weeks ago.

Oh help me, I don't know what to do or how to start. I love my DPs so much, they are good people and they didn't mean to make me feel this way, had I said anything at the time I think they would have changed their behaviour but I was a very young child and I didn't know how to articulate it. I am so overwhelmed with this crushing sadness and I don't know how to feel like myself again. I know you will all say therapy! But financially it's not an option for me for the foreseeable future, so if you have any suggestions as to what I can do by myself or with my family that would be the most useful.

Thank you for reading that, apologies if you found it depressing

Thank you so much raven, you've been so helpful and kind. That link was really good, I had no idea that was available. I will definitely see what I can do about having therapy through the NHS.

Well, I'm a recent convert to counselling, wish I'd had it years ago but at the time I thought my problems weren't serious enough and that people would think I was making a fuss.

How about if you find some way of working through and digesting your feelings without your family, before deciding what to do?

And maybe look for a course on effective communication at your local evening school - not sure what it would be called, maybe something about conflict resolution? Something that will help you use "I messages" and other tools to discuss this with your parents (if you decide to) in a way that might make them less defensive.

"Try to never think about it again" is the route you should only go down if you want to give yourself even worse problems in future .

Honestly, there is absolutely no point in trying to talk to your parents about the past. Been there done that.

They don't want to be confronted with their fuckups and a lot of it they can't remember.

You won't get closure that way, only defensiveness and aggression.

It's something you need to figure out in therapy.

All of these realisations and insights you are having are excellent, but the end point is to get free of their behaviour and opinions completely. Bringing up what happened in 1987 just enmeshes you back with them, hoping that this time they will say the right thing or apologise. They won't.

Springydaffs, do you have a younger child syndrome too? Your reaction towards older siblings seems really quite extreme to me. You sound very resentful

Glad its not just me that thought this. But Im an eldest of a large family (6 of us siblings) and im well aware of the long endurance of sibling rvalry even though we're all now adults.

As eldest you are constantly replaced -- I was only 14 months old when my next sibling was born. My mother had us all very quickly & close together. Its graet now but there are scars.

As eldest your parents practice on you, and their anxieties become part of you. As an eldest daughter my mother found it hard to let go of me, yet it was my next sibling down who is still her favourite. And yes, my mother had a favourite -- it was the child she felt was most like her (my fater was pretty absent).

StevesBollockAnalogy your deep gut feelings strike a cord with me - Im not sure theres much you can do about sibling order & sibling rivalry. You are bearing the burden of being the eldest Im afriad