Doing All The Running

[Zilverblue]

I am love with a man I am not in a proper relationship with. He mumbles that he feels the same but that its "difficult" and he "isn't good at relationships". Both mid thirties. He has never had a serious girlfriend. But for me, he is the one...you know...no-one else compares, other men bore/annoy me. We are not sleeping together (never have done) and the "relationship" is barely physical.

He has turned me down in the past, then changed his mind, then complained I've made him feel rejected (due to my being confused/hurt at being turned down)...basically he isn't very masculine about it all. I don't expect him to do all the running but he doesn't really do any.

He claims this is because "of the way he is". So then I get asked out by other men and this means I'm rejecting him. He seems to basically want me to hang around so he can get attention from me when he wants to (which isn't often) but behave really quite badly to me so I don't get the wrong impression that he wants a proper relationship. But he never quite comes out and says it and he is single, so there is always hope there because he acts and behaves as if I am the love of his life, who he can't be together with for some unexplained reason. Male friends have attempted to "encourage" him to be with me, because they think he's missing out and can't understand him. I'm more inclined to let him be, because not everyone wants the same thing, but I don't really get anything out of it, do I?

I also found out he was using internet dating sites in the past, he does dancing and yoga classes where he is the only man amongst a lot of single women, cancels dates at the last minute and goes through periods of disappearing and not answering texts. Its not really the behaviour of a classic player but I'm thinking he is one, despite his trying to appear different outwardly.

How to move on? He always draws me back in. I'm beginning to think I'll actually have to move away and not tell him where I'm going to be free of him (my job makes this possible)!

You move on by going 'no contact' (NC) with this head-messing time-waster. There's a reason he's never had a serious girlfriend and you are not going to break his duck.... Rather than 'classic player' I'm thinking 'probably gay'.

Moving away sounds like an excellent idea.

Thank you Cogito. He says he is not gay and seems genuinely upset that people should think that. He acts as if he is very hetero then comes out with something like he doesn't like going out in the cold or the rain. How do I know the truth? It could all be an act. He could be a bit a-sexual. I need to get out of the pattern of thinking that its something I've done wrong somewhere along the line which cannot be rectified.

I've gone NC in the past and he always turns up somewhere he is likely to bump into me.

I think you need to get out of the pattern of thinking about him at all, quite frankly. When you're analaysing why someone does or doesn't want to go out in the rain, it's probably in the 'unhealthy' zone .... We want nothing quite so much as the thing we can't have. Whatever the truth about him is, you're wasting your time and passing up perfectly good opportunities to be with someone who reciprocates your affection.

'NC' in this case is going to mean forging a very strong and fulfilled life which fully absorbs all your attention and makes you truly happy. That way, next time he engineers a 'bump', he won't have any impact.

Zilverblue. I've had these half arsed relationships in the past and seriously, life is too bloody short to be someone's option. You honestly need to move on from this head fuck of a man, this will not end as you want it to; it never does with these types of men.

Don't waste any more of your life chasing after someone that doesn't think you're amazing.

With regards to the NC, if you're serious, you can avoid him. If he knows where you're going to be, avoid those obvious places. I did this when I left my ex for good, I avoided the gym at certain times I knew he would be there because I just wanted to heal for good instead of the half hearted attempts I'd made before (where I knew he would be around and so it was never really fully over). Do it for your sanity and future happiness. Best thing I did with the last head fucker. Never again.