starting counselling tomorrow - what can it do?

[ithoughtofitfirst]

I've had CBT counselling for depression and anxiety and it was very successful but I'm starting to think that's because it was all on me.. as in the more I worked on it the more successful it was.

I'm trying it again for a completely different reason. This time it's to try and cope better with the issues I've had with my MIL. Whether or not I ever speak to her again I need help making sense of and moving on from the years of hurt she's caused me. I can't see myself ever speaking to her again at this rate because I am still dwelling on things she's said to me from years ago.

Has anyone had a similar situation I.e. had counselling because of a person or because of something very specific? Is this something I can actually work on and improve?

TIA Xxx

Erm, kind of. You can improve anything by adapting how you look at it and how you approach it, and what you actually do about it.
Counselling isn't miracle-working but as a person beginning her tenth course in nine years, I am much improved, I have had hardly any medication and none long term, and I would fully recommend it.

CBT is very directive and problem focused as you know, other types of counselling are a lot less directive and more exploratory, they tend to take longer but make more long lasting change IME.

CBT is good for some things but not the best approach for relationship issues, what type are you having this time around?

If you get bitten by a large ferocious dog, chances are you're always going to give large ferocious dogs a wide berth. Lesson learned... behaviour modified.... on you go older and wiser.

If there's a person who has caused you a lot of hurt, realistically you're never going to enjoy or seek their company. Why do you feel obliged to? Why do believe you're abnormal for not wanting her in your life? Why do you think you need therapy?

jacey I'm not sure actually, the guy I used before does a few different types of therapy including EMDR but that's more for people suffering ptsd and the like. Tomorrow is just a consultation I think.

cogito I probably won't have much contact with her ever again tbh. There are just things about the abuse and our dynamic that have caused me massive psychological damage and I still hear her voice condemning everything I do even though I haven't seen her in months.

'Hearing her voice' .... Do you mean you feel very insecure and doubt your own judgement? Is this a big change in your personality?

Yeah just basically re-playing critical comments when I do things/don't do things. Or imagining what she would say about things. I didn't used to care if that's what you mean.. or didn't really notice if she was doing it.

I don't get it all the time e.g. if I go for a run it stops for the duration of my run and then just starts again as soon as I get set foot in the door. Or if I have a bath or do any kind of pampering type stuff.

In your previous CBT sessions were you given any techniques to tell this critical voice to shut up? My next question is a long shot so apologies if I'm way off..... do you have body image issues or any history of eating disorders?

I would do things like write down a thought record so if I had a negative thought about myself I'd try and balance it out with more realistic and helpful thoughts. It really worked with some stuff. But I just never got any joy out of it with the MIL stuff for some reason.

No, no eating disorders or body dysmorphia or anything like that. I am quite down on myself but nothing that bad.

I have a DM who is famously 'careful' with money and I've inherited a lot of her traits. I also have a lovely friend who spends money like water. If I fancy buying something frivolous therefore, I give the lovely friend a call and she tells me to treat myself & not be such a tightwad :)

Do you have a friend with an 'anti-MIL' perspective? If you fancy some pampering, rather than writing down a thought record, do you have someone who would egg you on?

Haha that's awesome

I suppose I have my dm who is just really relaxed about things and doesn't live by strict rules like my poor mil. She does give me really good perspective and she's very good at making me feel better about the way I do things. I'll be spending a lot more time with her as of Sept because she's retiring to help me with ds and the new arrival. I am hoping that spending more time with her will rub off on me.

Sounds like a plan. Spend as much time as possible with DM and other people who tell you that you're a terrific person making all the right choices. Other confidence-building, self-affirming measures

• Take risks, set goals, step outside the normal and the comfortable occasionally .... congratulate yourself that you met the challenge and managed it.
• Treat yourself the way you would a cherished friend. Spoil yourself, be encouraging, prioritise your needs
• Be realistic about mistakes and failings rather than hyper-critical

Is your partner a positive influence?

I had counselling to help me recover from years of abuse from toxic/narc mother.

Sometimes I left sessions feeling very down and sometimes I was walking on air. It was all doing me good though.

It enabled me to focus on myself instead of rehashing what she did to me and why/how anyone could be as evil as she is. I accept now that she is just what she is and nothing I could ever have done would have changed that.

Obviously I bear the scars but counselling definitely helped me move forward with my life. I agree with what PP have said. Another thing I find useful is that I have a very "together" friend. She takes absolutely no shit from people whatsoever. If I am in in difficulty I "pretend" I am this friend.

It sounds mad but it works!

Good luck

I think if there is a problem then I believe it lies with lack of confidence and self esteem issues. The reason that I am saying this OP as many years have passed since I encountered my unfortunate MIL.
When we went to tell her we were getting married she waited until my husband TB was out of the room and then told me that she didn't want me to marry him etc. If only I could have said' right I will just get my DHTB and you can tell him what you have just said to me' but sadly my self esteem was so low, I just looked at her miserably, then cried outside to MHTB. He stonewalled me and looked out of the window. Over the last years and years she has done the same thing.
However, once I became more confident and had counselling, her comments made me laugh and I let them go over my head. Now I am a MIL to DILL's I have more sympathy. She was trying to save her son from me. I have had the same feeling about one of my DIL's but had the sense and knowledge not to say anything. Any Mother of son' s is going to find the relationship between MIL and DIL difficult ( obviously not in all cases)
Get counselling and then try and let this MIL's remarks go over your head. You don't live near her and she doesn't play an important role in your life anyway. Have a good marriage and be happy, as I have done. My MIL has waited years for own my marriage to go tits up.
Please try strenuously not to go NC as the MIL loves your DH! Like you love your own DC. Imagine someone preventing you from contact with them. It is an awkward situation when two women love one man!
We know that bullies look for vulnerable victims. Work on yourself. Don't be a victim, be happy. Xxx for you, as I have been there.

toyoung thank you. I just thought Id clarify though that my ds and dh still see her regularly so the only person Im stopping her from seeing is me. I agree though that I need to stop being a victim but I will never reach a healthy place still seeing her on a regular basis.

hampton sorry to read that you had a similar experience. I have started to pretend I am my badass friend too! It really works.

cogito thanks for all the tips, really helpful. My first went ok. He had some really good coping tips. Ones which I hadn't thought of but can't wait to implement to see if they work. He doesn't think I've had long enough away from her yet and vice versa