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Original poster

WWYD DM and her dodgy views

16 replies

mrsbucketxx · 12/08/2014 08:40

I live my mom to bits but she keeps coming out with views and opinions I cant stand.

The newest one was if you dress in a non feminine way you a lesbian, and other people will think this too. Also lesbians and gays are "not normal" wft

Other silly little things too. It's like her views are stuck somewhere in 1969 when she got married, how do I deal with this without causing a huge row.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/08/2014 08:44

You would not tolerate this from a friend, your mother is really no different. Do you want such a person really around your children as well?.

What sort of parent was she when you were growing up?.

I would completely limit the overall amount of time you spend with her and completely re-assess your boundaries re your mother. You won't change her but you can change how you react to her.

I do not think a conversation with her re her outdated and outmoded views would go at all well because she would make it all out to be your fault, turn on the waterworks or be in other ways similarly manipulative.

Original poster

mrsbucketxx · 12/08/2014 08:58

The thing is otherwise she is lovely just her views on the gay community are wrong.

They only see the children once every few weeks and mostly with me so I can sheild them if anything did arise.

OP posts:

Original poster

mrsbucketxx · 12/08/2014 09:01

The thing is otherwise she is lovely just her views on the gay community are wrong.

They only see the children once every few weeks and mostly with me so I can sheild them if anything did arise.

OP posts:

WeAllHaveWings · 12/08/2014 09:17

My mum is the same and seems to be getting worse as she gets older, she's 76 now but quite I'll/frail.

I have tried in the past to change her views, but it doesn't work, so as she get older I just ignore, change conversation or if comments made in public will chastise her gently so those around us know its not acceptable.

She grew up in different times to us and change is hard for her. I hope these views will die out with her generation, but I still love her and wouldn't reduce seeing her because of them.

ShadowStar · 12/08/2014 09:53

You're not going to be able to change her views.

If disagreeing with her views causes arguments, then I think that all you can do is to make it clear that you don't want to talk about the gay community at all with her, and do your best to close the conversation down every time she says something, either by ignoring her or changing the subject.

FunkyBoldRibena · 12/08/2014 09:55

Also lesbians and gays are "not normal" wft

'Really, all the ones I've slept with were perfectly normal.'

ThirdPoliceman · 12/08/2014 09:55

My Dad occasionally comes out with homophobic crap. I always pull him up on it. Always. I can't change his opinion but I can alter his behaviour by letting him know that spouting venom about a group of people is utterly abhorrent. Others good opinion matters to him (shallow).
This is why his grandson has not come out to him and why he never visits or phones or keeps up any kind of contact.
Dad doesn't know why his grandson stays away. I wish I could tell him but it's not my secret to spill.

HumblePieMonster · 12/08/2014 11:53

she's old, give her a break.

kaykayblue · 12/08/2014 12:15

Being old in no way excuses racist or bigoted behaviour.

Does your mother actually know any gay people? I've noticed that some of my relatives in the past have held pretty shitty views on minority groups/foreigners until they actually meet and get to know someone from within that group.

kaykayblue · 12/08/2014 12:17

Also, you could ask her what she would do if it turned out that one of your children was gay. Would she stop loving them? Would she be happy if people talked about them like she talks about gay people?

MaliceInWonderland78 · 12/08/2014 12:27

If it were me, I'd be inclined to have my say, and then leave it at that. My FIL is much the same, and I've expressed geneuine bemusement that it bothers him so much I think my BIL is Gay She's entitled to her view, call her on it, and then move on.

FWIW, attitudes like that are thankfully rare and are dying out - though your mother is of course correct in a way. I don't think homosexuality is 'normal' (actually seems painful in some respects) though I certainly don't thik it's "wrong"

Not being 'normal' is no bad thing!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/08/2014 12:32

"They only see the children once every few weeks and mostly with me so I can sheild them if anything did arise".

But that's just it - you cannot. A snide comment or a look is damaging to them.

Also bigots are bigots regardless of age and your mum has likely always held such views.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/08/2014 12:40

I have a DM like this. What I find interesting is to ask her 'why do you think that?'... 'what makes you say that?'... 'where did you hear that?' etc Getting them to try explaining their bizarre opinion often stumps them and can be quite entertaining in the process. :)

ravenmum · 12/08/2014 12:51

It's not like the racism is simply going to rub straight off onto the children, though. We all grew up witnessing attitudes that are outdated now, or were becoming dated at the time - but we still managed to develop new attitudes. When I was growing up it was still accepted that parents might hit their children: my mum had a wooden spoon! And my older books had stories of people getting the strap. I knew at the time that the strap wasn't acceptable any more, as my parents saw it as shocking. I saw the wooden spoon as something you just had to put up with, as a child - as indeed it still was. But that's not how I see it now.

In the same way, these children might think "There goes Nanny with her funny comments again", and either realise that it's outdated now, or come to realise it as they get older. Hearing her say that might even make them more opposed to racism, as they hear how bitter and twisted she is.

TinyMonkey · 12/08/2014 13:27

Oh just leave her to it. My mother's 79 and although I love her dearly, her tendency to believe everything she reads in the Daily Mail drives me potty.

I do what Cogito does and asks her why she thinks that or holds that view, and then proceed to prove to her why it's a bit daft to think like that really.

Her face was a picture when I told her a few years ago that I'd fallen in love with someone, 'that's nice dear, what's his name?', 'her name's Annette'.

She would never air homophobic views in public or disown a child or grandchild who was gay, but she clearly finds it all a bit puzzling and doesn't really understand it.

I'm sure when I'm 79 I'll probably have views that my children and grandchildren find offensive.

PurpleWithRed · 12/08/2014 13:32

My grandmother asked me "I can understand what men do together in bed and why they want to do it but I don't understand what women would do". I assumed this meant she'd never had an orgasm herself or thought you could only have an orgasm from a penis/man in some way. As she was 90 I decided not to enlighten her as it would be so awful for her to learn at that stage what she'd been missing out on. Although maybe I could have made her last two years a bit more fun if I had given her a little late sex education.

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