how do you decide whether to stay in a relationship? how do you balance the good bits and the bad bits?

[throwingpebbles]

If its not abusive, and there's no infidelity, how do you decide how much to put up with? Especially when financially its a stretch to run one household, let alone two.

I'm really struggling with severe post natal depression, am suicidal at times. On reflecting on what is triggering my lowest moments I have realised some of it is to do with dh behaviour. I am seeing a counsellor soon but in the meantime would welcome help to make sense of everything

We have 2 dc now and an expensive mortgage (house not flashy at all, ex council house but in the south east). If we split I don't know how on earth we could run two households, I only earn a few hundred pounds after childcare (and that's with 'd'h covering a day a week and me doing compressed hours). So, to split would be drastic, but I know the relationship at present is making me very unhappy. We can rub along fine a lot of the time, he is fairly good at doing his share of house work and we both adore our children, but there are two big issues...

We are very different people. This never felt like an issue when we were younger, but now, I guess as the children tie me more to the home etc, it feels more stark. He has a couple of Ds at A level and does a very practical job, he has an amazing practical intelligence (he is really talented at what he does) but no interest in current affairs/literature etc. I have a string of first class degrees/post grad quals. I really struggle with how different we are, I miss talking to people like me, I have given up reading etc and just feel like I am not really 'me' anymore, as I think I sort of dumbed down to be with him. I feel terrible saying this. I don't see myself as better, I think his talent for what he does is amazing, but I am desperate for conversation on my level sometimes.

Secondly, he has a very selfish side and a massive temper. I find myself agreeing to things all the time because I can't cope with his tempers/sulking. If I go out to see friends he is in a vile mood when I get back and sulks about the baby having cried etc. When I stayed in hospital with our severely ill son he would moan on and on about how tired he was, yet I was up most of the night with my son who was terrified/ needing tests doing, whilst dh got a full nights sleep. I became suicidal and hallucinating with exhaustion, and dh knew and yet still went away for a weekend with friends. When I had hyperemesis gravidarum dh yelled and swore at me for not getting up to help with ds, he never looked after me or brought me a drink other than begrudgingly, if I begged him. These are just examples, he has made me feel so terrible so many times. Yet even when he made a massive, potentially career ending, error of judgement, I was supportive.

I feel really unhappy at the thought of staying with him. But equally it feels incredibly selfish to tear our family apart and make life so financially tough for all of us. We would have to leave our home and that feels so selfish

Yes that does make sense, complete sense. This currently "calm" state will not last even though you tiptoe around him and his next EA episode will come and take you completely by surprise again.

What did you learn yourself about relationships when growing up?. That question needs your consideration as well.

What do you think your children are learning from the two of you regarding relationships?. Two words suffice here; damaging lessons.

I had a wonderful childhood, lovely parents, lovely siblings, etc etc but I think I have always struggled with low self esteem. My first (lovely) boyfriend died (after I decided to break things off) which left me pretty messed up and my 2nd boyfriend was definitely very controlling /abusive (these are the historic issues I need to discuss). I think its my first boyfriend's death which has left me unable to leave terrible relationships

But yes, I would hate my boy to end up like that

I think your first paragraph explains an awful lot as to why you are in the relationship you are in now, hopefully the counsellor who you will see will be helpful to you going forward. You need to work on you and rebuild your own sense of self worth.

Another option now would be to look at Womens Aid Freedom Programme; this is specifically for women who have been in abusive relationships.

Thanks attila

I can see similarities between your DHs behaviour and how I was in the past. I am incredibly sorry and have realised the error of my ways. My advice, is to talk to DH and explain in a logical way without being emotive (which is very hard I know). It took years for me to see things from DWs perspective because we always got into an argument. DW was upset/angry when she raised the issues which meant I immediately got defensive...my problem to solve not hers as I totally understand now why...at the time I took offense. Wrongly, I may add. It will no doubt take time but if you want to work things out then calm discussion is the starting point. If you still want to work things out then give him the chance to see things in a way that his brain can digest and try to keep it free of anger or resentment. I got the wakeup call of my life when I felt my marriage slipping away (we didn't have a discussion, I just one day felt it...a didcussion earlier may have helped the change come about quicker though) and I'm very lucky I have such a great DW who has seen enough good in me to allow me to see the errors and work at fixing them. I still have my moments but they are far less and I try to see them and apologise now.

I think it is fine to have differences but not to give up the things you love. Compromise is sometimes necessary but not always on one side.

I hope you work things out OP.

Thing is, we split for 4 months last year, he was full of remorse then and even got counselling. But he just seems to be a bad combination of selfish with a red hot temper which means my voice doesn't get heard at times when it matters most

If he cannot see how his behaviour is affecting you with counselling etc and adjust his behaviour then I am not sure what to say. It has to come from him. He has to really really see it and change. Saying isn't good enough, doing is what matters. It just isn't worth being incredibly unhappy though. I feel for you OP

I too would never have described my DH as abusive until I described his behaviour on MN. I have said for years that he is not a bad man - just not the right man for me.

Same financial situation were we would have struggled to maintain 2 homes. My DS's are now 16 & 17 and I am facing the era when they will up and leave us on our own. I wish I'd been stronger and left while they were small, don't think it'll be easier once they're old enough to understand - it isn't.

Good Luck

My exh was very much like yours - sulky, didn't like me going out, different interests. We did separate and divorce and like others have said, you need to be feeling strong enough to do that.

Looking back a few years on, I am still angry about the relationship and what I endured but the separation has been so awful for me, him, the dc and our families that I do sometimes think maybe it would have been better to have stayed and tackled the issues more head on. I have just swapped one difficult time for another.

I am saying that not because I think you should stay with him (he sounds awful) but because you mention your fear of setting up alone and all the financial implications and I think that is something you really need to be prepared for. I am worrying about money and the future more now than I ever have and it taints everything.

If you don't mind telling us your salary (I can't remember whether it's take home monthly or annual, so both would be better) and the cost of renting a home in your area, then we can work out what you'd be able to get in terms of tax credits. Worth knowing what options there are. Any child maintenance payments would be yours on top, so they wouldn't affect these figures.

To compare myself for context, I have never been unhappy or moody about DW going out (had one instance of being a bit of an idiot over a trip abroad but there were other circumstances that complicated it all and I regret being a knob enormously). I did get sulky at times when we argued but mostly I was not as supportive as I could have been and just didn't see how unappreciative I seemed also. I don't really have a temper but I can see how my behaviour was certainly unacceptable and it crushes me to say it but it was in some ways abusive (never deliberate and ceratinly never physical). We never got into a cycle of nasty/nice and mine was a few episodes over a few years with the majority of our relationship being good. Not excusing anything I just want to add some context so OP can compare to see if there is anything comparison to decide if things can change.

Can a person change? Well, I believe so if things have not gone too far but it depends on what has actually happened. I do think I am a good man but recognise how I behaved and would not let it happen again. If it did then I would expect my marriage to be over. I am not sure OPs DH is able to see this truthfully (has had counselling already and a 4 month split).

Perhaps it is time to end it but then I do feel though that OP has already decided the relationship is over and that the compatibility issues alone are enough to make the break.