Game player or emotionally immature?!

[Neonbabyblue]

I need advice about a guy I work with (who I've known for about 5 years and recently went on a few dates with)

He's quite socially awkward and had never had a serious girlfriend (at the age of 32). The last girl he was seeing messed him around and cheated which he was really hurt by. At work, he is well known as the slightly "eccentric" guy, he freely admits he finds talking about emotions hard and that he doesn't have any imagination so he can't "picture what being in a relationship would be like."

So we've been out on a few dates, had a lovely drunken kiss but nothing else. I had to be very direct about the fact I wanted to go on a date with him (he has told me since that he never would have been confident enough to make the first move as he just can't read peoples signals)

Last night we went out for dinner and he said that he really cares about me, feels like he could easily fall in love with me and for that reason feels like he needs to back off because he is too scared to get hurt again. In his words "he needs to put a barrier up so he doesn't fall in love with me."

I'm pretty upset with him, I feel like he is either judging me by the same standards as the girl who messed him around (trust me, she and I are about as far apart as you can get!) or he is game playing and has no real idea what he wants. I've known him for 5 years so I really hoped he might know my character and personality and put some trust in me.

I have no idea how to handle it, I really like this guy but I've always known that it would be hard for us to be properly together. I feel stupid as I really have liked him for years and it felt like it was going to go somewhere!

I should point out also that when he said those things last night he was very very very drunk! The most drunk I have ever seen him. This is the first time I have ever known him to open up about his feelings!

Whichever it is, he just sounds like too hard work. Maybe he's immature and you can help him grow up and get over commitment issues and blah blah blah but really - can you be arsed?

Bit Aspergers possibly.

Read up on Asperger's and see if he doesn't fit. It's very hard being in a relationship with someone like him but since it is all new, you can decide if you want to be with someone who has AS. Many women do not get it confirmed until they have a DS with AS and then realize their DH has it too.

It's interesting what you say 1fluffy and Hansie he certainly seems to tick a lot of the boxes when it comes to Aspergera traits. A lot of people at work notice this too.

I don't care if he has Asperfers or not- I think he's lovely regardless! He is a kind and caring person, just a bit misunderstood.

Anyone out there in a relationship with a partner who has aspergers?!

It's really not a good idea to date people at work, you know. It's even worse in this situation - this guy is not going to offer you a committed relationship because he doesn't want to. It's not your job or your business to turn him into someone he isn't.

So, when pissed he has opened up and told you a truth about himself.

You can decide not to listen, but then you can't blame him when you get hurt.

He may well be lovely, but he is single for a reason - he works at it!

I think he might have Asbergers as well. You have known what he is like for five years. If you haven't seen any change in his behaviour then he probably has a genuine problem with reading peoples faces and emotional signals. My DH has a touch of Asbergers. If you try and talk to him about feelings it as though he has got stuck in sand. He has been a fantastic DH and Father, as long as you are direct with him, he is fine. He can't do subtlety. Your chap seems nice OP, perhaps he is checking you out so that he doesn't get hurt again. Just to add I had to practically throw my clothes off in the early stages of our relationship to get my DH to do something. Best of luck x

He hasn't changed at all in the 5 years I have known him. His traits do land him in trouble at work sometimes, he is very blunt and that sometimes upsets people. He then gets upset because he has upset someone (without realising it).

I'm not too worried about the fact we are working together, I decided to pursue things at this point because I am working my notice so if it doesn't work out we need never set eyes on each other again

Hi Neonbabyblue, I have experience with a aspie son and I cant imagine a woman being able to take his honesty/bluntness. My son also gets upset when its pointed out that he has hurt someone's feelings.

There must be qualities he posses that your attracted to. Normally they have a specialist interest that they like to talk about a lot. I think being direct with him is the best thing and he might not have a good filter so just says what he is feeling, normally we are all scared of getting hurt if we feel ourself falling for someone and don't get reassurance but normally guys just act off or vanish.

My son will hardly show any loving emotions or cuddle but when he writes me a birthday card he writes with truth from the heart and it melts my heart, take each day has it comes and over time this guy will see your not going to be like the other girl who may of taken advantage of his inability to judge another's intentions.

You seem like a good person and I hope it works out.

Lived with my ex- partner who I am certain has aspergers for 16 years. Only this weekend he lunged at me and tried to kiss me. He scares me because he is quite unpredictable. He also comes over as eccentric, but he is caring kind and quite blunt. However, he has no ability to understand the emotions of others, cuts in when you speak and speaks over you leaving you feeling vulnerable and diminished. I often felt like I was speaking Swahili. I never finished a sentence and any little thing I asked of him was either ignored, analysed to death or simply forgotten or unheard and not processed. My advice to you OP would be proceed with caution.

I don't think its necessarily either! But he's told you very clearly that he doesn't want a relationship with you, whether or not you choose to continue persuing something on the back of that is up to you really.