Can you be wendied in a male / female friendship?

[lost366]

One of my closest friend is a man that I work with, purely platonic, I've never fancied him but we've known each other for about 6 years and have similar personalities / interests / similar ages and we often hang out and drink coffee or go for a beer. However, in the last few weeks a younger (about 10 years) colleague has started to give him lots of attention (including flirting with him although I don't think she fancies him), and I feel like I'm being pushed out of the friendship.

We originally spent time together as a 3 and she's quite a nice person, but recently she seems to be dominating his attention. When we are together I feel like I am excluded as she captivates his attention, and she occasionally makes bitchy comments about me (I'm not sure if they are intentionally bitchy or are meant in a playful, jokey way). Also, I don't really have anything in common with her and we wouldn't be friends if she wasn't friends with my friend. However, whenever I arrange something with my friend she has to be there (he makes sure she's invited), and recently they have started to arrange to do things together, which my friend always invites me to and I go along so that I don't miss out but then I usually feel like a spare part. I've tried backing off the friendship a bit and leaving them to get on with it but the only way I get to spend time with my friend these days is if she's there.

I feel increasingly jealous of her friendship with my friend ... I don't make friends easily so don't have a huge range of other people to spend time with. I don't want to say anything to my friend as he will probably think I'm just being paranoid, I don't really want to say can we meet up without extra friend sometime as then he'll want to know why, but I don't want to abandon my friendship with him either. Any suggestions about what to do?

Do you think he fancies (sorry couldn't honk of a better way to put it)her and is flattered by the attention?

Are you sure she isn't interested in him?

I've met women like her before that push their way into a friendship/relationship like this just to flatter their own egos and "prove" they "still have it" (((shudder)))

Are either of them in a relationship?

He's married. I've asked him if he fancies her and he denied it, but I do think he's flattered by this younger woman's attention. She's single and he's definitely not her usual type, I don't get why she flirts with him. Most of my friends are male (I have stereotypically male interests) and I would never dream of flirting with any of them, particulary the attached ones.

Uh oh.

You're being Wendied. Definitely.

The clue is her making bitchy remarks about you. That's in front of you. God knows what she is saying behind your back.

It's very painful. It doesn't matter if your friend is male. All Wendies 'woo' their targets. And because of this, everyone else falls by the wayside.

It appears to me that Wendies target strong friendships. I think if they can break those then it makes them happy.

I wouldn't join the arrangements he or she make with each other. You're busy etc. Steer clear so that you are never the spare part. Keep your pride.

You need to keep on making arrangements with your friend though. Drop it if he keeps inviting her along, however. You'll have to let the friendship infatuation run its course.

I wouldn't bother confronting him or even trying to talk about it. Not now. Not just yet. There is no point. You have to back off quietly and keep your dignity.

You may have lost him as a friend. That is his choice and you have to let him make that choice. Horrible painful to lose a friend in this way and a real shock. I felt dreadful for a year when it happened to me.

Meanwhile, this is a good time to look about and forge new friendships. Go for quieter people. Or wild cards that you would never have considered potential friends. It's a time for you to be less dependent on one pal.

Thanks Winky, really useful words.

At the moment I bounce between thinking I'm just going to back away and let her 'have' him as there are more important things in life than getting in some bitchy battle over a friend (I should have left that behind in my teenager years), and thinking I'm going to fight for this friendship and try and at least hang on in there. The reason I tend to go along when ever they make arrangements together is so that she doesn't get the chance to bitch behind my back. But you make good points about keeping my pride and dignity and trying to keep in contact with him but not her.

Awful, tragic news.

Sorry wrong thread

Williams isn't it? Gutted.

Sorry lost. Hope you feel better soon.

Lost, you can't fight for your friendship per se.

Never bad mouth this woman either. That will bite you on the bum too.

Winky: do you say that I can't fight for the friendship because it's impossible to beat a Wendy?

Just a comment FWIW until Winky comes back. I don't think its impossible to beat a Wendy, but you are relying on male friend not to allow it. He sounds like he is allowing you to be wendied, probably unknowingly.

No, because your friend will not understand what is happening and will think you are barking.

As far as he is concerned, you're all cool friends together. And he should be allowed to have other friends. Apart from the fact this new friend doesn't like having you around.

Your Wendy will be wide eyed and innocent.

Basically, you'll look like a loon even though you and Wendy know fine well what is going on.

You could try but your friend won't believe you or won't know what he is supposed to do about it.

So it's only when theWendy trips herself up or your friend has a lightbulb moment about her.

It's hard to fight a Wendy because they play sneaky games that a non-sneaky person wouldn't even think of, let alone stoop to. However, personally, if the friendship looked doomed anyway, I'd want to say something. Sometimes dignified silence is over-rated. Friend may not realise why you're gradually pulling away and no doubt Wendy will be filling his ear with unflattering reasons. So some comment like "I sometimes feel almost as though I'm being muscled out of this friendship" and/or "I'm sure she doesn't mean to be hurtful but when she said x it was rather near the knuckle" may make him think "hang on, Wendy is a bit hard on lost sometimes"; whilst if he thinks "huh, she's just jealous because Wendy is younger/we get on better" you haven't lost anything you weren't already going to lose.

I've mentioned this book before, it's a real eye-opener. His website is good too. Not just Wendies, but the Bastard Managers from Hell and several others, are exposed and coping techniques suggested. Like the man said, just because you're paranoid (or equally, just because you're not paranoid) doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

I believe that you personally can't fight a Wendy, but if the original friendship is good and your friend is a strong person then the Wendying can't actually happen.

My experience is that I was part of a big group of friends, some closer than others, but I suspected that one of the women's didn't like me. She pretended to like me to my face, eventually we all went our separate ways, I knew I would probably see her occasionally and that was fine. One day she friended me on Facebook (which I now believe was to keep tabs on me). A friend had a engagement party, Wendy was there, we spoke, seemed to get on okay, didn't pick up a vibe that she disliked me anymore. Later on I caught breaking my bag. Didn't create a scene. At a later date I spoke to close friend (also close friends with my Wendy) and she admitted that she had had several conversations with Wendy telling her she wasn't going to ditch me as a friend, and to pack it in bitching about me.

Some of my friends know what happened, fully support me in wanting nothing to do with Wendy (even though they are still friends themselves) there is a special party coming up where both Wendy and I will be, Wendy has been warned to not speak to and stay away from me.

I am very lucky I have good friends (who I still see quite a lot of) with strong personalities and beliefs who are not scared to tell Wendy when she is being out of order. They are also happy to see me and Wendy at different times. I believe that is the only way to beat a Wendy.

What's a Wendy? Urban dictionary says an attractive woman but I'm reading more than that into these convos!

A Wendy is someone who turns your friends against you and you end up with no friends left in that circle.

The name I believe is a character in a Judy Bloom book called Blubber (haven't read it) and that's where the term comes from.

Deelish, breaking your bag?

what's a wendy

Wonky, yeah, I left my bag on the table where she was sat on her own, talking to another friend with my back to her, turned around to see her holding my my bag and giving a tassel a sharp yank, then put my bag back. When I checked it a minute later the tassel was hanging off. I never let on to her what I had seen.
It was only when I spoke to friend and she told me how this person had been trying to get her to ditch me that everything eventually fell into place. I think she only friended me on Facebook to see what communications I was having with our other friends, and I think the bag incident was frustration on her part at not being able to successfully Wendy me. I wasn't drinking much that evening, my memory of her behaviour is so vivid I just knew I hadn't imagined it. Our friend actually confronted her about it and she didn't deny it, she just said she must have been really drunk to do that .

A Wendy is only successful if people around her let her get away with it. I am lucky to have the friends I have. Also to reiterate another poster, apart from the evening my friend told me about Wendy asking her to ditch me as a friend, I have never slagged her off and I don't intend to (even though I think she is a manipulate two faced bitch).

Oh my god. Your Wendy sounds deranged Deelish.

You are lucky your friends weren't taken in by her. Really good friends.

My 'dear' friend couldn't wait to ditch me. But I have got past that now.

Wendies sound like complete twats. Why would anyone, particularly over the age of 13 behave like that!

Because they can't bear people having friendships that don't include them.

My Wendy stamped her feet - literally - and burst into tears in the school playground when I told her I was meeting our friend for a curry on a night Wendy couldn't make. The 'friend' changed the night so Wendy could make it.

That so rings true Winky. Several of the bitchy comments made in front of me, and I suspect there have been some behind my back, have been things that try to make the strength of my friendship with my friend look like a bad thing.

Well, I wouldn't put up with the bitchy comments in front of you. That would make you into a victim.

Say innocent stuff like, "That's not a very nice/kind/friendly thing to say."

"You sound rude."

"Ouch. That was a bitchy thing to say."

Don't smile when you're saying it either.

It will also highlight to anyone present that she's being unpleasant and that you are civilly calling her on it.